Episode 7 was filmed months later. It was filmed in edmonton as a one hour live studio production. Live to tape, obviously. It was designed to be an hour long show. it was, therefore, set up for that. The judges at the front. The host to m/c everything. The contestants all seated together on one wall, and those of us in the audience, having signed our non-disclosure agreements, watching the show.
When I realized that the final episode was a half hour long, I knew it was going to be stupid beyond measure.
This is, therefore going to be a very short recap. I have no choice. There's actually not much to say. it's a lot of talking heads, mostly.
But let's try.
The show begins with the single laziest thing I have ever seen. They use the full introduction used at the beginning of the first episode. Scene for scene. Line for line. They don't edit anything new for this. Why bother? Assholes.
They then, for no reason I can determine, create a NEW CREDIT SEQUENCE! Not for everyone, just some. WHY?
Rachel welcomes us to the finale. Rachel is a gorgeous woman, but here, she looks like boiled ass. It is not at all easy to make Rachel look like boiled ass. Had the makeup people never put makeup on a black person before? Here's a tip: they aren't green.
She explains they will pick three short-listers and then a winner. Before that, she wants to describe the prizes. The winner will receive publication of their novel in Westword, the magazine of the Alberta Writer's Guild. They will also win an artist's retreat in Banff, and five thousand dollars.
Looking at the cast behind Rachel I see several things. James is covering his genitals with his hands. Paul looks as though he is ready to puke, and Tracy is looking in her lap. It was a very tense hour. You don't get to see too much of that here, but i'll grab what I can for you.
Rachel says we'll hear the judges' critical reviews, whittle it down to three and go from there. That is not what happened.
before we go any further, she wants to talk to the judges. First up is Melissa. She says the writers have done well, and that it was good for her to see the writing first hand as she's often quite isolated from the process.
Minister Faust, who is, at least, funny is asked what he thought. He says it was the worst he's seen yet, and doesn't know why some of these people bother. he says there were a few gems that rose to the top of the toilet and that's what they'll talk about today. That's a crowd pleaser.
Todd is asked about common strengths and weaknesses. he says it's painful to read them because the way they're written is very naked. They are very close to who the person is, and no time to chip them into art. So it's hard to read them as a critic.
Each of the judges compiled their own shortlist. Rachel asks them how they did that. Faust says he employed logical means and came to the accurate judgings, and hopefully the other judges will conform to his. Again, all laugh.
The other judges do not get to speak.
Rachel tells us that after the break we'll see the first critical review. Already the seams are showing.
Rachel welcomes us back. She is interviewing James, to see what he's done since the contest. He wrote a sequel to his book, also over three days. And, he tells us, it was much easier without the cameras and Faust to mess with him.
The other writers do not speak. There's no time. They decide to play all twelve critical reviews back to back. This is not how it went down live. And so, from this point on, we do not see the studio for about 15 minutes. Because it would not make sense. At all.
I don't have the stomach to recap them in detail, and they were edited oddly anyway. Hence the shortness of the recap.
In summary, Faust is a softie. He likes the books, on the whole, considerably better that the rest of the judges. Melissa turns out to be the harshest, and Todd is sort of amiable but not insightful.
Some of the writers are not treated very nicely. Most are. I find most of the commentaries to be fair, but edited out of context, you may or may not agree.
When the whole shooting match, all twelve are over, we cut to a commercial and come back to find out who won.
We see the coveted trophy, the Parasite says. It is, by the way, an obelisk, not a trophy, per se. He then says the judges have chosen a short list of three and the winner is about to be chosen.
We cut, I shit you not to a shot of Matthew, Paul and Gayleen standing up, with NO PRIOR DISCUSSION of the shortlist. We are told this is exciting.
Gayleen is the winner. The crowd goes wild. She hugs the other shortlisters.
Now look. I am delighted she won. She almost certainly deserved to, but Jesus fuck, how shitty is their treatment of Matthew and Paul. Do they not deserve some discussion here?
It's not just bad, it's lazy and incompetent. It's one of the most boring half hours ever shown on TV.
The way it went live was so much better. The review was done. The contestants responded, and then they were either shortlisted or not. The shortlisters sat on stools at the side. All alone.
Gayleen was the second review, and the first to be shortlisted. She was alone there for a LONG time. During the commercial breaks she ran back to the flock like a scared duckling. It was adorable. Then, I think came Paul, and the two of them clung to each other, again, running back during the breaks.
It was fascinating to see the writers react to the reviews and the tension was amazing.
All gone.
Sigh.
It was really well done.
Cutting it to a half an hour made it really easy for the fucktards. Slap the intro from episode one, have a little intro. Do all the reviews, pre-filmed and ready, and then jump to the winner. They then make a montage of Gayleen clips. ALL of them we have seen before. Why look at the rest of the footage for anything? Why show us anything new? It's nicely edited, but it's all so… needless and packaged.
Everybody hugs and the credits roll, and I am reminded how much I miss these people. It is nice to see how long and how genuinely Gordon hugs her. It is more moving and interesting than the rest of the episode.
I am enormously proud of Gayleen, and of course she knows that. Know also, other contestants, that no matter what I said about you in these caps, I number you among my tribe. You did an amazing thing, and my anger is directed at the people who did not care about the show at all. The bean counters and lackeys left to finish an artist's job with the least amount of effort possible.
You were done a disservice, and you were so much more entertaining and involving than the show you wound up in.
Thanks.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
Episode 6: Save your time. Read a book.
So, before I get into this, I should say I watched episode seven first. This episode can't be much worse than the last one, so for me this is going to be a walk in the park. No, I kid, this will be a hell walk. See, my theory, and it's only a theory is this: the lazy assholes responsible for cutting the episodes for air in a half hour format took advantage of the fact that an actually competent team had already completed the first few episodes. So they more or less just cut them up. Then they had to do some work. This can be one of only a few reasons why they would give Friday night nearly a full episode, and then a bunch of time to Saturday and Sunday, leaving, in the end, one episode to deal with Monday.
Of course, you realize that's ridiculous. Monday was the home stretch, and the day when the competitors really let loose, started expressing themselves. It's when MOST of the real moments happened. So they have to cram that all into like 24 minutes, and show at least one of the challenges under Todd Babiak. I happen to know they show, instead, all three of his challenges.
So, this is going to be, as I said, a hell walk.
Last week blurb is obsessed with page count and the spelling bee. They recount the prize and the failure. And once again, I'm struck by how wasteful the reality format can be. Two minutes on a recap.
And we're into the credits.
It's Monday morning and we're straight into a challenge. Rachel introduces Todd, who looks profoundly uncomfortable in front of a camera. Todd is a little condescending to the contestants/viewers of BOOK TELEVISION as he explains what a story is, and how it works. Anyway, they have to write a piece that illuminates a character. They get five full minutes.
The winner receives transcription. No explanation of what they mean by THAT, though. Because they are short on time, and Todd's explanation to us that a story consists of characters and obstacles was TV gold. What they meant was that the winner would get one of those voice recorders and could dictate their novel for an hour or so. Not a prize. Find me a writer in twenty who would want to work that way. I'll wait….
See.
No word on the punishment. And cue the camera moves.
5 4 3 2 1. Pens down, please
Gordon starts off, and the character he;s describing is a dog. He loves dogs, and I am an idiot about dogs. I'm disqualified from discussing his fuzzy protagonist. Yes I am! Yes, I am!
Jennifer's is about a bridal fair again. Didn't she use this bit already. I don't know how much character is being revealed here, as they only give her about twenty damned words.
James' likewise, is too short for any indication of quality, but damn he is pretty to look at.
Marty's is okay, but cliched, but they give him a full paragraph to do his work.
Joe gets the first bleep of the show! Yay! I remember this part. Hers begins with "Fuck off bulldyke!" and ends with that bulldyke leaving with a hot chick. Sadly we ditch before that part. Still, at least it grabs attention.
Lorna's is too short to say anything about anything. Same with Nancy's.
Rebecca's is colourful and is about a clown. It's pretty good, but again, we don't get much.
Gayleen's is edited so that we have no sense of context or who's speaking. Same with Matthew's and Tracy's. Except Tracy's gets to shoot some people.
Paul is vibrant, and his book is still insane. I'm glad they give him some time to play.
Todd picks the bottom two. Tracy and James. He thinks they ducked the assignment, in that they didn't write character pieces, so much as set pieces. James is loser this time and "must go do some writing". No explanation. At all. Because who cares?
Top three are Marty, Joe and Paul. Fair enough. Marty shows his character's inner conflict. Joe revealed the pride in hers. Paul's was comedic but was all about desire and the want to win. And nazis. Paul takes it. Now, he might actually benefit from transcription. Who knows.
Now Rachel says she hears two people have already finished their novels. Record scratch. We saw Joe do that last episode. No camera love for our second? Gordon? Dude. I'm sorry. That blows.
After the break, another challenge. Yay. Who needs to see the actual contest part? The challenges are all together in a convenient, easy to slap together package, and three should use up the whole sixth episode. Then, all we have to do is butcher the seventh episode which was shot live on the floor and we're done, and can go snort meth off our girlfriends and try to forget we were ever given this shitty editing job. Who wants to watch writers, or anything filmed in Edmonton. Please.
And we're back from the break, and it's probably good I'm already locked up for my rage issues.
It's the Monday afternoon challenge. They're split into teams to solve a crossword. How do they justify this, exactly, Todd? Oh, they're testing knowledge and intelligence. Great. Sure. We'll go with that. The winner gets an accutonic massage. That sounds like wank, and a waste of time. The losers have to read to children. Of course, they won't show that. Though they do chastise Joe for swearing.
And there's salsa music for some reason as we watch them work. I happen to know Gayleen is a crossword wizard. The camera follows Todd as he heckles them in his soft-spoken milquetoast way. We see a shot of Gayleen hating the process. Her team wins. No surprise there. And the contest crawls on. Who will be the last to finish. And it's mercifully over. I have no idea who was on the teams, and I don't care enough to look.
Oh look, Marty is asking Todd to autograph The Book of Stanley. Unless the inscription is, "I'm so sorry." It's not right. I kid. It's a good book. Todd insists that sucking up does work. Oh look, they're plugging the book.
And now Gayleen is face down in a massage chair. All we can see is her nose and mouth. The camera person asks how she's feeling, and she laughs the mirthless laugh of the damned, and says she has an overwhelming sense of the ridiculous. And rightly so. Accutonics is stupid. There. I said it. But she's not actually saying that. She's finding it actually relaxing. It turns out she finished about an hour ago, and is feeling good. She intends to do an edit and see what happens.
Lorna also liked the massage, and felt "crazy mellow" afterward. Matthew too. We see him and Rebecca talking briefly. Savour it kids, it's one of the few pieces of human contact in the show. She says he looks good, and he is all like, "I know, right?"
Gordon, who has finished, sends Rebecca and Jennifer back to their book, and reads to the kids. That's a nice thing to do, and he's a big bear of a daddy type, so I bet he rocks at it. Tate announces that Gordon will be reading. He decides to read the book of Puff the Magic Dragon. He is a hippie, and he is pretty good with the kids. It's a pop-up. This is sweet, but I want more stuff.
We see Gayleen raise her novel over her head. Then she admits it's a novella, but they're calling it a novel! Good girl!
Someone says it looks like the weight of the world has been lifted off her shoulders. She says it feels awesome. I think this is out of sequence, but what the hell do I know. I started drinking an hour ago. I barely recognize these people now. G says she thought she'd be writing into the late evening with a n hour for edits, so she's glad and says she doesn't care about the challenges. More on this in a few minutes.
We see Paul finish. He is pretty happy. It's an extremely silly story. He lies on the floor, and Mary and one of the crew hand him stuffies. Then Marty lies down and spoons with him. Hey James, you're off the hook with the whole erotic fan fiction thing now.
They ask Marty what his greatest memory will be and he says spooning Paul Matwychuck. Paul calls him a very affectionate man. More spooning.
Marty is asked if there will be any long lasting relationships formed as a result of the weekend, and Marty says he and Paul will get together and spoon. Again, James, this writes itself.
James is finished, save editing, and he looks happy and relieved, but also pensive as he gets up and takes a victory lap around the store.
Marty finishes and does a slo-mo run across the finish line.
Into the break, we are coming back to another fucking challenge. Dammit.
Now this challenge had one of the only moments of drama, and I am sort of ken to see what happens. it was genuinely tense at the end. We'll see. they are given three minutes to write a dream ending to a novel.
Todd says that what you leave your reader with is key.
You'll notice they don't have a penalty this time. They paint it as benevolence. In fact the writers simply said to Tate they wouldn't do one. it wasn't fair with half of them finished. So they relented. No mention of that, of course.
The winner receives and introduction to an agent.
Cue the camera jerking.
Joe's is actually a pretty good way to stop a book. Gordon's is interrupted. Way to go editor.
Rebecca's is so quiet I can barely hear it.
James' is well read, but cut in the middle. Marty's is weird out of context, and he is exhausted, and I think, not into this.
Paul's is an excerpt from a theatre review. It's a wonderful concept for his book, and well written.
Tracy's rhymes. And is not good. I want to go back in time and tell her this, but I can't. Happily, it's short.
Jennifer's is strong.
We skip four people. One of them is Gayleen.
She refused to do it. They asked her why and she told them, essentially, that an ending is a reward to the reader for going through a book. it's part of the compact between author and writer, and she wasn't about to trivialize it.
Todd was stunned, and babbled and then they went on. You see no trace of that here. They cut the whole thing out. I'm not sure why the rest were done. Todd does seem a bit flustered.
Lorna and Matthew's felt endingy, he says. James' was passionate in second. Todd picks Paul as the winner of the contest. He is good in these things.
Rebecca, Jennifer and Matthew write to the last second.
We see them pose for a cast photo and that's it. See you next week to find out who won.
We don't see Nancy burst into tears when she finishes. We don't see Gordon, Nancy and Gayleen drunkenly discussing the famous writers they don't like. We don't get to see Marty threaten to run naked through the store and defile the books.
Monday was the day they all became real friends. How boring, I suppose.
Marty shows his book, and safety copies, joking that his book is 300 pages long. Nancy says the experience was phenomenal. Rebecca wishes she had a few more days to work on hers…but not in the store. Joe says it was an exciting weekend.
Over the credits Rebecca says she's never finished a book before. She's an author now. it's a sweet feeling ennit? Nancy says a lot of the weekend was about the people. Marty is asked how his book is. He explains it's crap but he bribed Todd Babiak.
Lazy. Lazy. Wasted opportunity.
Good thing the cast is so likeable.
Of course, you realize that's ridiculous. Monday was the home stretch, and the day when the competitors really let loose, started expressing themselves. It's when MOST of the real moments happened. So they have to cram that all into like 24 minutes, and show at least one of the challenges under Todd Babiak. I happen to know they show, instead, all three of his challenges.
So, this is going to be, as I said, a hell walk.
Last week blurb is obsessed with page count and the spelling bee. They recount the prize and the failure. And once again, I'm struck by how wasteful the reality format can be. Two minutes on a recap.
And we're into the credits.
It's Monday morning and we're straight into a challenge. Rachel introduces Todd, who looks profoundly uncomfortable in front of a camera. Todd is a little condescending to the contestants/viewers of BOOK TELEVISION as he explains what a story is, and how it works. Anyway, they have to write a piece that illuminates a character. They get five full minutes.
The winner receives transcription. No explanation of what they mean by THAT, though. Because they are short on time, and Todd's explanation to us that a story consists of characters and obstacles was TV gold. What they meant was that the winner would get one of those voice recorders and could dictate their novel for an hour or so. Not a prize. Find me a writer in twenty who would want to work that way. I'll wait….
See.
No word on the punishment. And cue the camera moves.
5 4 3 2 1. Pens down, please
Gordon starts off, and the character he;s describing is a dog. He loves dogs, and I am an idiot about dogs. I'm disqualified from discussing his fuzzy protagonist. Yes I am! Yes, I am!
Jennifer's is about a bridal fair again. Didn't she use this bit already. I don't know how much character is being revealed here, as they only give her about twenty damned words.
James' likewise, is too short for any indication of quality, but damn he is pretty to look at.
Marty's is okay, but cliched, but they give him a full paragraph to do his work.
Joe gets the first bleep of the show! Yay! I remember this part. Hers begins with "Fuck off bulldyke!" and ends with that bulldyke leaving with a hot chick. Sadly we ditch before that part. Still, at least it grabs attention.
Lorna's is too short to say anything about anything. Same with Nancy's.
Rebecca's is colourful and is about a clown. It's pretty good, but again, we don't get much.
Gayleen's is edited so that we have no sense of context or who's speaking. Same with Matthew's and Tracy's. Except Tracy's gets to shoot some people.
Paul is vibrant, and his book is still insane. I'm glad they give him some time to play.
Todd picks the bottom two. Tracy and James. He thinks they ducked the assignment, in that they didn't write character pieces, so much as set pieces. James is loser this time and "must go do some writing". No explanation. At all. Because who cares?
Top three are Marty, Joe and Paul. Fair enough. Marty shows his character's inner conflict. Joe revealed the pride in hers. Paul's was comedic but was all about desire and the want to win. And nazis. Paul takes it. Now, he might actually benefit from transcription. Who knows.
Now Rachel says she hears two people have already finished their novels. Record scratch. We saw Joe do that last episode. No camera love for our second? Gordon? Dude. I'm sorry. That blows.
After the break, another challenge. Yay. Who needs to see the actual contest part? The challenges are all together in a convenient, easy to slap together package, and three should use up the whole sixth episode. Then, all we have to do is butcher the seventh episode which was shot live on the floor and we're done, and can go snort meth off our girlfriends and try to forget we were ever given this shitty editing job. Who wants to watch writers, or anything filmed in Edmonton. Please.
And we're back from the break, and it's probably good I'm already locked up for my rage issues.
It's the Monday afternoon challenge. They're split into teams to solve a crossword. How do they justify this, exactly, Todd? Oh, they're testing knowledge and intelligence. Great. Sure. We'll go with that. The winner gets an accutonic massage. That sounds like wank, and a waste of time. The losers have to read to children. Of course, they won't show that. Though they do chastise Joe for swearing.
And there's salsa music for some reason as we watch them work. I happen to know Gayleen is a crossword wizard. The camera follows Todd as he heckles them in his soft-spoken milquetoast way. We see a shot of Gayleen hating the process. Her team wins. No surprise there. And the contest crawls on. Who will be the last to finish. And it's mercifully over. I have no idea who was on the teams, and I don't care enough to look.
Oh look, Marty is asking Todd to autograph The Book of Stanley. Unless the inscription is, "I'm so sorry." It's not right. I kid. It's a good book. Todd insists that sucking up does work. Oh look, they're plugging the book.
And now Gayleen is face down in a massage chair. All we can see is her nose and mouth. The camera person asks how she's feeling, and she laughs the mirthless laugh of the damned, and says she has an overwhelming sense of the ridiculous. And rightly so. Accutonics is stupid. There. I said it. But she's not actually saying that. She's finding it actually relaxing. It turns out she finished about an hour ago, and is feeling good. She intends to do an edit and see what happens.
Lorna also liked the massage, and felt "crazy mellow" afterward. Matthew too. We see him and Rebecca talking briefly. Savour it kids, it's one of the few pieces of human contact in the show. She says he looks good, and he is all like, "I know, right?"
Gordon, who has finished, sends Rebecca and Jennifer back to their book, and reads to the kids. That's a nice thing to do, and he's a big bear of a daddy type, so I bet he rocks at it. Tate announces that Gordon will be reading. He decides to read the book of Puff the Magic Dragon. He is a hippie, and he is pretty good with the kids. It's a pop-up. This is sweet, but I want more stuff.
We see Gayleen raise her novel over her head. Then she admits it's a novella, but they're calling it a novel! Good girl!
Someone says it looks like the weight of the world has been lifted off her shoulders. She says it feels awesome. I think this is out of sequence, but what the hell do I know. I started drinking an hour ago. I barely recognize these people now. G says she thought she'd be writing into the late evening with a n hour for edits, so she's glad and says she doesn't care about the challenges. More on this in a few minutes.
We see Paul finish. He is pretty happy. It's an extremely silly story. He lies on the floor, and Mary and one of the crew hand him stuffies. Then Marty lies down and spoons with him. Hey James, you're off the hook with the whole erotic fan fiction thing now.
They ask Marty what his greatest memory will be and he says spooning Paul Matwychuck. Paul calls him a very affectionate man. More spooning.
Marty is asked if there will be any long lasting relationships formed as a result of the weekend, and Marty says he and Paul will get together and spoon. Again, James, this writes itself.
James is finished, save editing, and he looks happy and relieved, but also pensive as he gets up and takes a victory lap around the store.
Marty finishes and does a slo-mo run across the finish line.
Into the break, we are coming back to another fucking challenge. Dammit.
Now this challenge had one of the only moments of drama, and I am sort of ken to see what happens. it was genuinely tense at the end. We'll see. they are given three minutes to write a dream ending to a novel.
Todd says that what you leave your reader with is key.
You'll notice they don't have a penalty this time. They paint it as benevolence. In fact the writers simply said to Tate they wouldn't do one. it wasn't fair with half of them finished. So they relented. No mention of that, of course.
The winner receives and introduction to an agent.
Cue the camera jerking.
Joe's is actually a pretty good way to stop a book. Gordon's is interrupted. Way to go editor.
Rebecca's is so quiet I can barely hear it.
James' is well read, but cut in the middle. Marty's is weird out of context, and he is exhausted, and I think, not into this.
Paul's is an excerpt from a theatre review. It's a wonderful concept for his book, and well written.
Tracy's rhymes. And is not good. I want to go back in time and tell her this, but I can't. Happily, it's short.
Jennifer's is strong.
We skip four people. One of them is Gayleen.
She refused to do it. They asked her why and she told them, essentially, that an ending is a reward to the reader for going through a book. it's part of the compact between author and writer, and she wasn't about to trivialize it.
Todd was stunned, and babbled and then they went on. You see no trace of that here. They cut the whole thing out. I'm not sure why the rest were done. Todd does seem a bit flustered.
Lorna and Matthew's felt endingy, he says. James' was passionate in second. Todd picks Paul as the winner of the contest. He is good in these things.
Rebecca, Jennifer and Matthew write to the last second.
We see them pose for a cast photo and that's it. See you next week to find out who won.
We don't see Nancy burst into tears when she finishes. We don't see Gordon, Nancy and Gayleen drunkenly discussing the famous writers they don't like. We don't get to see Marty threaten to run naked through the store and defile the books.
Monday was the day they all became real friends. How boring, I suppose.
Marty shows his book, and safety copies, joking that his book is 300 pages long. Nancy says the experience was phenomenal. Rebecca wishes she had a few more days to work on hers…but not in the store. Joe says it was an exciting weekend.
Over the credits Rebecca says she's never finished a book before. She's an author now. it's a sweet feeling ennit? Nancy says a lot of the weekend was about the people. Marty is asked how his book is. He explains it's crap but he bribed Todd Babiak.
Lazy. Lazy. Wasted opportunity.
Good thing the cast is so likeable.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
caplet from jail
As you know, my official blog policy is that I have been arrested for the kidnapping and genital torture of George Lucas.
While "in prison" I received a DVD with the last 2 episodes on it.
They sucked.
Very very badly. And not just in an "I disagree with these choices" way. They sucked in an "Oh my God, what incompetent baboon thought this was an effectiveuse of time and footage" kind of way.
The last episode is a fucking travesty. A crime. A spit in the face of the people who participated. But I can't talk about it further until it airs.
If you think I've been too hard on the show, you'll want to stop reading now. I'm angry, and I'm offended, and I can't believe that people who call themselves professionals would do such a terrible job. I'm also pissed that a lot of good people have their names all over a final product that is so beneath them.
So, if you care about the show as much as I do, which is, apparently, ten thousand times more than the current regime at Book Television cares, don't get your hopes up.
It only gets worse.
While "in prison" I received a DVD with the last 2 episodes on it.
They sucked.
Very very badly. And not just in an "I disagree with these choices" way. They sucked in an "Oh my God, what incompetent baboon thought this was an effectiveuse of time and footage" kind of way.
The last episode is a fucking travesty. A crime. A spit in the face of the people who participated. But I can't talk about it further until it airs.
If you think I've been too hard on the show, you'll want to stop reading now. I'm angry, and I'm offended, and I can't believe that people who call themselves professionals would do such a terrible job. I'm also pissed that a lot of good people have their names all over a final product that is so beneath them.
So, if you care about the show as much as I do, which is, apparently, ten thousand times more than the current regime at Book Television cares, don't get your hopes up.
It only gets worse.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Epsiode 5: Not funny like last week
(Prelude)Ah, the innocent me that wrote the caplet. Rewatching the show made me realize that actually I hated this episode a little. I apologize, in advance, for going Woody Allen on you. This isn't one of my earlier, funny movies.
So, I'm sitting upstairs writing my novel this afternoon when I realize that I've forgotten to actually DO the recap this week. So I think to myself, I think, "Well, self, you should probably do that. I mean, sure nobody is watching the show, and sure nobody is reading your recaps because the first one was so toxic and hateful that it made the baby Jesus cry, and nobody on the show is even talking to you now, let alone reading, but you have an obligation to finish the things you start." So I went downstairs, and Gayleen and I imported the show from VHS to digital. It's sort of easier to work with it that way, stopping and starting as I need to, and taking the time to ruminate and meander. It's a whole process, really, and after the last week, I think I'm starting to actually get it.
Now, sitting here and getting down to it, I find myself thinking about that whole responsibility to finish what I start. I think that my decision to take the attitude is what made the difference between my just being a guy with lots of ideas and half-finished books to being a guy who finishes shit. These days I don't start a project without that promise.
My first novel, which still has no name I'm happy with, but which I'm calling Now England Sees, was worth that effort. So too, were my two three day novels. I did, however, write a whole 85,000 word novel last year that is, if I'm honest, just not any good at all. I knew it wasn't working. I hit the halfway point, and I kept on plunging through. For all kinds of reasons, it's not something I'll be going back to revise.
I don't regret it.
I learned some things about the ways in which I can do well and do poorly from the experience, and I'm not so sure I'd have learned that lesson if I'd aborted.
And now, even though I'm five episodes in, and still not at all certain if this was a success or a failure, I will finish what I start, dammit.
I did receive a letter to Penthouse by the way, as per last week's contest. Unfortunately, the letter is from a spambot offering excellent prices on prescription medication. So, I think that their primary goal was not to gratify me sexually. I admit to being mildly disappointed by that.
Still, on with the show.
We start with the last week in review. The Parasite lauds Marty for using his 300 dollars to buy the other writer's books. There is a tone in his voice that makes him sound like he's actually being a sarcastic cunt about the whole thing. Not for the first time, I find myself wanting to fight him. He also reminds us that Jennifer cleans in a fancy dress and that Rebecca slept in a tent.
He further reminds us that the new judge, Melissa is no pushover, and that she was not looking for letters to Penthouse. I was. I really was, and you people let me DOWN.
Which reminds me. I have another co-capper this week. It's my great pleasure to introduce you all to George Lucas.
George: It's my pleasure to be here.
George, you're responsible for three of the most culturally important films of our times, Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, and American Graffiti. You're also responsible for Return of the Jedi, and the Prequel trilogy. And Willow.
George: Um...
So, I've asked you here today for two reasons. First, because you know more than anyone the ways in which a creative person can have a runaway success, and then show again and again that they have nothing else to say. Secondly, I want to have you here with me, in this closed room to provide both rewards and punishments for the period of about half an hour.
George: Should this door be locked?
Yes. So we're into the credits again, and I find myself thinking of the opening scrolls we had in the prequel trilogy. Did you actually think they compared to the ones from the first two films?
George: Why is my cell phone not getting any bars?
Have you seen the movie Saw? Anyway…
Sunday afternoon is nigh, and the writers are sharing their word counts, which vary wildly. Marty bravely says, "Page count, who cares about page count?" He does. I'm fairly sure they all do. Rebecca and Paul seem to be experiencing some setbacks. Paul says the scene he's working on feels as if he's been writing it since his eighteenth birthday.
Actually, that's not so uncommon. Sometimes an artist's most vital creative work can be his early work, the work he's spent a life time preparing for. For example, in your case, George. Star Wars was such a fresh thing when it first came out. It owed a lot to the science fiction films of your youth but brought a kind of life and energy that had been long absent. Empire, the sequel, was a slightly deeper take, and much assisted by the fact that the actual screenplay was written by other parties based on your ideas. To many it's the perfect fusion of your imagination and something that is actually good. When it came time to make Episode 1: Attack of the Clones, whatever made you think your ideas were any good, and that you should write the screenplay?
George: You know, I don't understand why so many of you take this so personally…(breaks into incoherent screams as I taser him in the genitals)
Wrong answer.
Jennifer also hoped to be further along. Matthew is plugging along well, and Marty seems confident, as does Nancy. Rebecca, like Pollyanna, is determined to remain optimistic, no matter what may come to pass.
Marty explains to us that the first day was easy because it was Friday, and he write furiously from midnight to 1:30 and passed out, and that Saturday he got into a good rhythm. Rebecca feels as though she did well on Saturday but is running out of things to say. Jennifer experienced writer's block for the first time on late Saturday night. That's rough.
Nancy talks about how the beginning is an exciting time when writing a novel, and that when you get to the end, you are in that home stretch, and the goal is in sight. It's the middle that's hard, and that's where she is.
George, let me help you up. Don't worry. I won't zap you again as long as you act right. Let me ask you something. What was the reason you went back to the original trilogy and did the digital special editions?
George: I…I had visions of how I wanted it to be originally (sobs) and the effects weren't there…and…
I see. Did it occur to you that people loved what you'd done, and that by messing around with it you were soiling it and making it dirty?
George: No.
Well, at least that's honest.
The Parasite says, in a nonsensical response that apparently a novel can't be reduced to a page count, word count, beginning middle, and end.
Of course, that's just what the last segment showed. It can be. Novels are built that way, through the slow accumulation of pages over time. It's work, just like building a house, or slowly torturing a film director who took your childhood mythology and showed you that it was just product. Product like nylon hose, or anti-perspirant. Once you know that, you can't un-know it, and it forever changes how you take in art, and how you produce it.
There's a lot of talk about this person or that person who remakes a movie or revamps a TV show "raping my childhood". This notion that the past is this perfect place, and we should leave it alone. I don't agree. I think artists revisit their own work, and the work of others. Sometimes a remake is brilliant. The Fly (1956) is perfect the way it is, but The Fly (1986) is also a perfect little thing, both of them the unique child of unique parents.
But I can never lose sight of the fact that the things we write and watch are released, primarily, by corporations, and to these corporations they may as well be machine parts. They can be graded and taken apart and reassembled in new ways to make them more commercial, or to wring out that extra dime.
So, you see, I'm finding myself a little distressed at getting what I wanted here. If you'll recall, I wanted more talk on the process of writing, and what the writers were going through. On the other hand, I wanted more talk about the books itself, the characters that live there, the actual art of it. Instead we're focusing on them as nothing more than a word count, a page count, a beginning, middle, and end. And they can be reduced to that.
Of course, they're more than that too, if they work. I'd like to see some of that. But what can you do in twenty two minutes?
Increasingly, I'm aware these episodes were chopped nearly in half. They're product. Time filling Canadian content product, released only to get the CRTC off their backs because they were smacked for not releasing enough Canadian content, and hey don't we have a whole fucking show in the can?
George: Wow, that is pretty shitty. I mean, okay, I'll admit, maybe I was motivated by profit when I made the Special Editions, but at least I actually care about the movies. Star Wars is kind of my thing, you know. It's what I have.
Yeah. And it is YOURS. Which makes it a shame that you basically fucked it all up and have released edition after edition solely to suck money out of the fans who love it. But at least you've been adding more to it, not cutting it to ribbons. Here, have a cookie. The people responsible for this edit have no connection to the production except they own it. Like you'd own a pair of shoes.
George: That's just wrong.
It is. Gayleen is talking about how writing is a lot like voyeurism, when it works. It's as though everything is just going on, and if she can manage to tap into it and watch it and describe it that's the goal state.
See, that's the artistic process described with a modicum of passion. Good for her. I mean, naturally, my first instinct is to pillory her and talk about voyeurism, but who am I kidding? This is a reality show. Voyeurism is the name of the game. Readers are all voyeurs.
Joe tells us that yesterday she was just sort of banging away, but a night's sleep and the new day have brought a sense of creativity and humour to it.
Jennifer likes where her novel is going, and that it has taken a bit of a twist. Matthew is enjoying the writing and actually wanting to get it done, though he is feeling the panic of the clock.
Naturally, just as the writers begin to discuss their actual feelings about their work, we are transitioned to the cold artifice of product again, and taken to a new challenge. I remember this challenge. At least it was fun.
It's a spelling bee. They are broken into four teams by row. Look at Gayleen apologize to her teammates. the rules are simple. Spell a word wrong and you're out. The first team eliminated are the losers. The last person in the contest wins for the whole team.
Rachel asks Melissa why it matters of we can spell anymore. Lord. Melissa explains that spell-check isn't perfect. That's true. For example, a lot of misspellings are not picked up because they, themselves, are perfectly acceptable words. Also they don't help to catch the use of the wrong "their", "they're, or "there" for example. So that's true enough. And how about this, I would add, you people are fucking writers. Words are your passion. I mean, I'm sloppy as hell with my punctuation and it pisses me off, especially when I'm writing in haste and not revising as much as I should be. I misuse commas the way alcoholics drink. I know this, I'm not proud of it. I feel shame. When I see writers, supposedly professional writers, say things like "Spelling doesn't matter" I want to shock them in the genitals. Like this.
George: (screams)
Midichlorians. Fuck you.
Anyway, Melissa rightly points out that an understanding of spelling reveals an understanding of the origins of words and the fine delineations of meaning they can hold. I've long said that there are really precious few synonyms in English. Damp and moist, for example, are technically synonyms. But they aren't.
She also says that writers need to read, and a lot of them don't bother. This is also true, but I fail to see the connection. I will forgive it, though, as she is well-spoken and rational, and does not dress like a cartoon character.
The losers, we find, will be forced to man the barbecues for the cook out. The winners will get to spend an hour seeing something pretty, far away from the store. Something, I presume, that will add visual variety to the show while providing no material benefit to the winner at all. Typical. WInning is not a thing to be desired. All these people want is to get back to their goddamned books. They get to spend this time with Timothy, who won the show the year before (or four years ago, but who's counting), and he will provide some critique. I would posit critique is not valuable at this point. It can only distract from production and undermine morale.
Jesus.
Gayleen is up first, protesting she's been good. Her word is zephyr. Bitch better be able to spell zephyr. Fuck. And she does. Marty's word is insouciant. He asks for a definition, and then spells it. Lorna misspells gibbous, somehow, and Gayleen loses her first teammate. Matthew is eliminated on cephalalgia, and I might have lost on that one too, so I will refrain from mockery. Tracy is eliminated with the word amanuensis. Now, she didn't even come close, and Gayleen is on her own. But I'd like to point out that the fucking people doing the fucking show have spelled the word wrong on the screen. They have spelled it "amaneunsis". What the fuck? I mean, honestly. Look up the fucking word you assclowns, seriously!
There is some show biz editing here, and rightly so, as the contest went on a bit.
Gordon misspells etymology very, very badly. He makes up for it by spelling "walking off' entirely correctly, to the laughter of all.
Jennifer spells bibliophile, and Marty spells ascetic.
Rebecca misspells phalanx, and is the last person on her team to go. She, Matthew, and Gordon are the chefs of the day. So the punishment has been decided. The punishment for winning remains.
James spells kaleidoscope, his first actual spoken part in this episode. A note here that the sound in this challenge has an odd echo, and I'm not sure why. Anyway, here's James, ladies. And he's MARRIED.
Nancy spells monozygotic. There's a joke here, I'm sure. I'll probably come up with it tonight as I lay in bed and think of her. For now, I'm stumped.
Gayleen spells bureaucratic, typing on an invisible keyboard as she does it. That word is my frigging Waterloo. My chances there would have been fifty-fifty at best. So far, cephalalgia and bureaucratic are the only two words that would have challenged me. Notice here that Gayleen is now entirely on her own against two entirely intact teams.
Paul is eliminated by clurichaun, because he is not enough of a geek. Joe is eliminated by bivouac, and Jennifer by gnosticism.
Marty surrenders on the word formaldehyde, spelling "MICKEY MOUSE". I suspect he knew how to spell the word, but didn't want to win. That's what I think. I think he was voting with his funny.
Our final three are Gayleen, Nancy, and James. Gayleen spells sanguine. James spells gemellology. I would have totally fucked that one. James, you are officially better than me. The key is in realizing that gemellology is the study of twins. I would have assumed they meant gemology. Nancy spells Aurora Borealis, which is a giant step back in complexity, in my book. Also, it's two words. Whatever. Gayleen spells thaumaturgical. Seeing as her book is about magic, she'd better know that word.
James loses out on glossolalia, a word I'd have gotten, but only because it's a phenomenon I am fascinated by. Nancy is taken out by logorrhea.
I fucking embody that word.
So Gayleen wins it for her team. This is funny, as she was so whiny about it. Rachel refers to her as a hustler. I love this. Gayleen claims she honestly thought she could not spell. She may be sincere but if she is it's only because people never seem to get what they are good at.
The Parasite says that, after the break, the winning team will take their trip, but one writer isn't going anywhere. He makes that sound as though there is something naughty about to transpire. There isn't.
So, we're at a commercial break now, and George has curled into the fetal position here. I'm inclined to leave him that way. I feel a little bad for what I've subjected him to. I mean, Star Wars is his work. I suppose he's entitled to do with it what he will. Nobody is making us watch the special editions or the prequels. People do that because they're invested. That's not his fault, I suppose.
It's not like, for example, twelve people devoted an enormous amount of energy to it with the promise that they would receive the attendant publicity and exposure inherent in the show, only to find out that they network intended to just let it sit on a shelf for two full years until a legal tangle with the CRTC forced them to air it.
Sigh. I know. I know I should let this go. I know I should just be happy they're airing the show at all. I should try to appreciate it for what it is. I'm just so damned disappointed. This was supposed to be seven hours. I find myself thinking of the last episode. It was filmed live, with a studio audience. I don't know how they will cut that to half the running time, but I bet they'll do it by just not showing everyone's reviews.
That is so unfair it makes me want to scream. They all worked so bloody hard. The production staff, too, and now it's all in the hands of these strangers. Strangers who don't seem to get it.
Strangers who can't spell amanuensis, and probably don't think it's important. Tate would have cared. Tate would have looked it up.
So, George, I forgive you. You went back to your well one time too many, and you messed up your own work, but at least you pissed in your own sandbox. You're free to go.
George: Really?
Yes. The door's open. Be free.
George: (sound of scampering, and then the joyous scream of a man breathing air as a free man again, when he never expected to)
That's nice. I hope it inspires him.
We're back from the commercial. The Parasite says, "Before the break, Gayleen and her team of Lorna and Tracy won the spelling bee challenge". Ha! Those girls were each eliminated on their first words. Gayleen won that contest solo. Her team is totally reaping the "reward" by her sufferance.
Gayleen, "feeling the pressure to produce more pages", by which we mean, not being an utter fucking fool, and wanting to get back to the task at hand, gives her prize to Joe.
That was actually sweet. Joe was well ahead of schedule, and bemoaning the fact that all she'd seen of the city was the bookstore. So, this way she got to see some of the pretty parts of town.
They head out on the Radio Railway, to cross the High Level Bridge. it is a very nice trip. Timothy gives some pointers.
Joe mentions that she thinks Edmonton is pretty and that Timothy's advice is invaluable.
A word on Timothy here. I like Timothy. In this segment he is the most diplomatic man in the world. I am in awe of his performance.
He explains that Joe's book is very ambitious, both in scope and message. Joe had a feeling that she was a bit too distanced from the action in the beginning of the book, and he confirms that she is not revealing enough of the story through her characters. This is probably dead on good advice, and certainly Joe feels so. Timothy expresses his doubts that three days is enough time to fully deal with the concepts of her book.
He says that Tracy is an intuitive writer, just starting to second guess herself. He hopes she'll ditch some stuff that's distracting from the story. Tracy is being polite, but doesn't seem to think TImothy was helpful. She's a little, I'm sorry, snotty here, saying he's given her a good idea what to expect in the Alberta publishing world. Her tone indicates, in my opinion that she has a pretty low opinion of that world. I don't think I'd want to come off that way on a TV show, if it were me.
Lorna seems to have appreciated the fresh air, and the fresh eyes on the manuscript. Timothy says she is having some structural problems. Lorna is having consistency issues with the male voice, and she seems to have taken his advice to heart. He feels the second half of the book may be her chance to shine, which is usually not the way it goes in the 3 day where people tend to start strong and fall apart.
And we're back to commercials again. Do we have an extra break this time out? That seemed very short. Huh. Inconsistency.
Back from the break, Matthew is announcing the Barbeque is ready.
It's at this point that I realize two things. They've cut a whole challenge wherein the contestants reenact or perform scenes from past winners' books. Also they've cut out the visit from Lucha Libro, the book wrestler.
I am not particularly sorry about either of these things going missing, actually, but they were both. I'm told, funny.
This maniac in a Mexican wrestling mask, who called himself Lucha Libro attacked Gayleen with a Gabriel Gracia Marquez book and informed the children of the world that reading would make them mighty. I missed his appearance, oddly. I have no idea why. I was there all weekend. In fact, I'd only just excused myself a few minutes earlier. After he left, I returned, slightly dishevelled and out of breath, and was informed he'd already vanished. Huh. Just my luck. Anyway, not having seen this happen, and having no personal connection to the event whatsoever, I can't much mourn that it was cut. I'm told, however, that it was awesome.
The performance challenge, which was not that much fun to watch, did lead to the infamous incident in which James hung a stuffed dog from a noose. In the children's section. This incident was a highlight of the weekend for the participants. I can attest to the great humour and merriment that arose from that.
Gordon, who really resented the job of grill cook, is being snarky. A customer asks if he thinks he'll finish in time. He says that he will not. I think he really believed this. Also, he is sitting much to close to the hot grill for a guy who has partial feeling, at best, in his legs.
By Sunday night Gordon is at 15000, and Gayleen is at 16000. Matthew is at 13500. Jennifer is at 10500, but reminds us she is editing as she goes, which will save time in the long run. I am less certain this is true.
Marty says "Don't ask me about frigging word count." Joe says she hasn't done a word count but is at 73 pages. Lorna is at 45, and Nancy is at 50 pages. Paul is at 13,000 words.
Rebecca says she's not very far along, and that it's not a book at all it's just a really long paragraph. Rebecca is funny. I hope she knows this.
At this point, I want another challenge, because this is all sports scores now. And we DID THIS PART already. At the beginning. Ask them ABOUT THE BOOK!
Oh look, the camera guy is actually doing that. He asks Jennifer if she's happy with the quality of the book. I mean, its not a specific question but it beats the hell out of asking her again if she's beat the spread. She says she is.
Gordon, happily, says that his characters are surprising him. Tracy says the pressure is bringing out new angles and new characters. Nancy is saying it's difficult to judge quality because you're not doing a lot of re-reading. I must say i totally get that. Both times I did this contest, I had NO idea whatsoever if my books were good, bad, or nonsense. When Silver Bullets shortlisted, I was honestly surprised. I still don't know if my book this year is better or worse than last years. I think I like it better, though I've no earthly idea why. I think that those books become so intense and personal that you're maybe better off relying on other people to answer the question of quality.
Nancy looks like hell here, and no wonder as she was, at this point, suffering from a nasty toothache. So, if you're wondering where her chipper went, that's your answer. Gayleen provided her with top-notch painkillers, but it didn't help much.
Lorna feels that she started strong but is wavering off. Paul feels that he now can see the sequence of scenes that will take him to the end of the book. Marty is in view of his climax and anticipating Monday will be a straight print to the finish.
Matthew is feeling his deadline. Rebecca and Gayleen both seem pleasantly surprised with the quality of things.
Just before midnight, Joe finishes her book. That is insane. I still do not know how she did that. She and I are very different writers. Her plan appears to be, and she talks about this once the applause dies down, that she has the beginning middle and end in place and can spend Monday fleshing it out and making it better. That is surely a way to do it, and I hope they talk to her about it some in the next episode because that is so different from how I'd do it that it's fascinating.
I'm not hopeful. My prediction, and I'd love to be wrong, is that they will do a lot more sport scores, one of the dreadful challenges with Todd Babiak, and a lot of hugging and goodbyes.
Joe asks where the champagne is.
France, baby. Canadian TV can't afford champagne.
Instead of talking about the stories, the crew asks how people are holding up physically. Lorna says she's tired. No kidding. James says he's getting occasional waves that feel like he might collapse. Matthew says his eyes are bleary and people are asking him if he's sick. Gayleen says she's okay and she got three and a half hours sleep last night. Sure. That's probably enough. AMrty says that he is a wreck and not holding up at all.
This was very true. By this point, he kept doing actual faceplants on the keyboard. No kidding. The rest of them kept telling him he needed to go to bed.
Tracy is doing better. Nancy is also holding up for now.
Paul has just, he informs us, had his first cup of coffee. Ever. It has hit him like a train and he is talking and talking and talking. It's adorable. I hope it's true. Me, I'd have been on my ninetieth Dr. Pepper by now, and still drifting off.
I hope George is making his way home okay. Are those sirens?
Huh.
Rebecca brings the funny again. "Right now, you could shine a bright light in my eyes and I'd probably chase it like a cat."
Those are sirens. I need to wrap this up.
Ironically Paul and Gordon are discussing how they can get on schedule if they use the night well. Gayleen says she's not thinking of word count so much as she has a story she wants to tell, and thinks she's doing okay. I believe that I know what she means here. She had a pretty detailed outline in place, and thought she had to go to 50,000, so her challenge is to cut the non-essentials and focus on the prime story. The freedom she may feel here at only having to go to around 30,000 is balanced by her concern that she can't cut the wrong thing.
Joe says she has kids and can write in spurts.
Lorna has fifteen pages to write before sleep time.
Nancy hoped to be further along before bedtime. We see folks retiring, and are told next week is the dramatic conclusion.
The credits roll, and we see Rebecca walking in on Marty juggling again. She looks like a proud Momma even when he drops a ball. How can you not love this girl? Seriously.
Okay, my hands are up. Put the guns down, officers. Don't be crazy. Oh, this taser? Of course I didn't use a taser on George Lucas, that's...
I want a lawyer please.
Lawyer.
Lawyer.
Lawyer.
Next week.
Lawyer.
So, I'm sitting upstairs writing my novel this afternoon when I realize that I've forgotten to actually DO the recap this week. So I think to myself, I think, "Well, self, you should probably do that. I mean, sure nobody is watching the show, and sure nobody is reading your recaps because the first one was so toxic and hateful that it made the baby Jesus cry, and nobody on the show is even talking to you now, let alone reading, but you have an obligation to finish the things you start." So I went downstairs, and Gayleen and I imported the show from VHS to digital. It's sort of easier to work with it that way, stopping and starting as I need to, and taking the time to ruminate and meander. It's a whole process, really, and after the last week, I think I'm starting to actually get it.
Now, sitting here and getting down to it, I find myself thinking about that whole responsibility to finish what I start. I think that my decision to take the attitude is what made the difference between my just being a guy with lots of ideas and half-finished books to being a guy who finishes shit. These days I don't start a project without that promise.
My first novel, which still has no name I'm happy with, but which I'm calling Now England Sees, was worth that effort. So too, were my two three day novels. I did, however, write a whole 85,000 word novel last year that is, if I'm honest, just not any good at all. I knew it wasn't working. I hit the halfway point, and I kept on plunging through. For all kinds of reasons, it's not something I'll be going back to revise.
I don't regret it.
I learned some things about the ways in which I can do well and do poorly from the experience, and I'm not so sure I'd have learned that lesson if I'd aborted.
And now, even though I'm five episodes in, and still not at all certain if this was a success or a failure, I will finish what I start, dammit.
I did receive a letter to Penthouse by the way, as per last week's contest. Unfortunately, the letter is from a spambot offering excellent prices on prescription medication. So, I think that their primary goal was not to gratify me sexually. I admit to being mildly disappointed by that.
Still, on with the show.
We start with the last week in review. The Parasite lauds Marty for using his 300 dollars to buy the other writer's books. There is a tone in his voice that makes him sound like he's actually being a sarcastic cunt about the whole thing. Not for the first time, I find myself wanting to fight him. He also reminds us that Jennifer cleans in a fancy dress and that Rebecca slept in a tent.
He further reminds us that the new judge, Melissa is no pushover, and that she was not looking for letters to Penthouse. I was. I really was, and you people let me DOWN.
Which reminds me. I have another co-capper this week. It's my great pleasure to introduce you all to George Lucas.
George: It's my pleasure to be here.
George, you're responsible for three of the most culturally important films of our times, Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, and American Graffiti. You're also responsible for Return of the Jedi, and the Prequel trilogy. And Willow.
George: Um...
So, I've asked you here today for two reasons. First, because you know more than anyone the ways in which a creative person can have a runaway success, and then show again and again that they have nothing else to say. Secondly, I want to have you here with me, in this closed room to provide both rewards and punishments for the period of about half an hour.
George: Should this door be locked?
Yes. So we're into the credits again, and I find myself thinking of the opening scrolls we had in the prequel trilogy. Did you actually think they compared to the ones from the first two films?
George: Why is my cell phone not getting any bars?
Have you seen the movie Saw? Anyway…
Sunday afternoon is nigh, and the writers are sharing their word counts, which vary wildly. Marty bravely says, "Page count, who cares about page count?" He does. I'm fairly sure they all do. Rebecca and Paul seem to be experiencing some setbacks. Paul says the scene he's working on feels as if he's been writing it since his eighteenth birthday.
Actually, that's not so uncommon. Sometimes an artist's most vital creative work can be his early work, the work he's spent a life time preparing for. For example, in your case, George. Star Wars was such a fresh thing when it first came out. It owed a lot to the science fiction films of your youth but brought a kind of life and energy that had been long absent. Empire, the sequel, was a slightly deeper take, and much assisted by the fact that the actual screenplay was written by other parties based on your ideas. To many it's the perfect fusion of your imagination and something that is actually good. When it came time to make Episode 1: Attack of the Clones, whatever made you think your ideas were any good, and that you should write the screenplay?
George: You know, I don't understand why so many of you take this so personally…(breaks into incoherent screams as I taser him in the genitals)
Wrong answer.
Jennifer also hoped to be further along. Matthew is plugging along well, and Marty seems confident, as does Nancy. Rebecca, like Pollyanna, is determined to remain optimistic, no matter what may come to pass.
Marty explains to us that the first day was easy because it was Friday, and he write furiously from midnight to 1:30 and passed out, and that Saturday he got into a good rhythm. Rebecca feels as though she did well on Saturday but is running out of things to say. Jennifer experienced writer's block for the first time on late Saturday night. That's rough.
Nancy talks about how the beginning is an exciting time when writing a novel, and that when you get to the end, you are in that home stretch, and the goal is in sight. It's the middle that's hard, and that's where she is.
George, let me help you up. Don't worry. I won't zap you again as long as you act right. Let me ask you something. What was the reason you went back to the original trilogy and did the digital special editions?
George: I…I had visions of how I wanted it to be originally (sobs) and the effects weren't there…and…
I see. Did it occur to you that people loved what you'd done, and that by messing around with it you were soiling it and making it dirty?
George: No.
Well, at least that's honest.
The Parasite says, in a nonsensical response that apparently a novel can't be reduced to a page count, word count, beginning middle, and end.
Of course, that's just what the last segment showed. It can be. Novels are built that way, through the slow accumulation of pages over time. It's work, just like building a house, or slowly torturing a film director who took your childhood mythology and showed you that it was just product. Product like nylon hose, or anti-perspirant. Once you know that, you can't un-know it, and it forever changes how you take in art, and how you produce it.
There's a lot of talk about this person or that person who remakes a movie or revamps a TV show "raping my childhood". This notion that the past is this perfect place, and we should leave it alone. I don't agree. I think artists revisit their own work, and the work of others. Sometimes a remake is brilliant. The Fly (1956) is perfect the way it is, but The Fly (1986) is also a perfect little thing, both of them the unique child of unique parents.
But I can never lose sight of the fact that the things we write and watch are released, primarily, by corporations, and to these corporations they may as well be machine parts. They can be graded and taken apart and reassembled in new ways to make them more commercial, or to wring out that extra dime.
So, you see, I'm finding myself a little distressed at getting what I wanted here. If you'll recall, I wanted more talk on the process of writing, and what the writers were going through. On the other hand, I wanted more talk about the books itself, the characters that live there, the actual art of it. Instead we're focusing on them as nothing more than a word count, a page count, a beginning, middle, and end. And they can be reduced to that.
Of course, they're more than that too, if they work. I'd like to see some of that. But what can you do in twenty two minutes?
Increasingly, I'm aware these episodes were chopped nearly in half. They're product. Time filling Canadian content product, released only to get the CRTC off their backs because they were smacked for not releasing enough Canadian content, and hey don't we have a whole fucking show in the can?
George: Wow, that is pretty shitty. I mean, okay, I'll admit, maybe I was motivated by profit when I made the Special Editions, but at least I actually care about the movies. Star Wars is kind of my thing, you know. It's what I have.
Yeah. And it is YOURS. Which makes it a shame that you basically fucked it all up and have released edition after edition solely to suck money out of the fans who love it. But at least you've been adding more to it, not cutting it to ribbons. Here, have a cookie. The people responsible for this edit have no connection to the production except they own it. Like you'd own a pair of shoes.
George: That's just wrong.
It is. Gayleen is talking about how writing is a lot like voyeurism, when it works. It's as though everything is just going on, and if she can manage to tap into it and watch it and describe it that's the goal state.
See, that's the artistic process described with a modicum of passion. Good for her. I mean, naturally, my first instinct is to pillory her and talk about voyeurism, but who am I kidding? This is a reality show. Voyeurism is the name of the game. Readers are all voyeurs.
Joe tells us that yesterday she was just sort of banging away, but a night's sleep and the new day have brought a sense of creativity and humour to it.
Jennifer likes where her novel is going, and that it has taken a bit of a twist. Matthew is enjoying the writing and actually wanting to get it done, though he is feeling the panic of the clock.
Naturally, just as the writers begin to discuss their actual feelings about their work, we are transitioned to the cold artifice of product again, and taken to a new challenge. I remember this challenge. At least it was fun.
It's a spelling bee. They are broken into four teams by row. Look at Gayleen apologize to her teammates. the rules are simple. Spell a word wrong and you're out. The first team eliminated are the losers. The last person in the contest wins for the whole team.
Rachel asks Melissa why it matters of we can spell anymore. Lord. Melissa explains that spell-check isn't perfect. That's true. For example, a lot of misspellings are not picked up because they, themselves, are perfectly acceptable words. Also they don't help to catch the use of the wrong "their", "they're, or "there" for example. So that's true enough. And how about this, I would add, you people are fucking writers. Words are your passion. I mean, I'm sloppy as hell with my punctuation and it pisses me off, especially when I'm writing in haste and not revising as much as I should be. I misuse commas the way alcoholics drink. I know this, I'm not proud of it. I feel shame. When I see writers, supposedly professional writers, say things like "Spelling doesn't matter" I want to shock them in the genitals. Like this.
George: (screams)
Midichlorians. Fuck you.
Anyway, Melissa rightly points out that an understanding of spelling reveals an understanding of the origins of words and the fine delineations of meaning they can hold. I've long said that there are really precious few synonyms in English. Damp and moist, for example, are technically synonyms. But they aren't.
She also says that writers need to read, and a lot of them don't bother. This is also true, but I fail to see the connection. I will forgive it, though, as she is well-spoken and rational, and does not dress like a cartoon character.
The losers, we find, will be forced to man the barbecues for the cook out. The winners will get to spend an hour seeing something pretty, far away from the store. Something, I presume, that will add visual variety to the show while providing no material benefit to the winner at all. Typical. WInning is not a thing to be desired. All these people want is to get back to their goddamned books. They get to spend this time with Timothy, who won the show the year before (or four years ago, but who's counting), and he will provide some critique. I would posit critique is not valuable at this point. It can only distract from production and undermine morale.
Jesus.
Gayleen is up first, protesting she's been good. Her word is zephyr. Bitch better be able to spell zephyr. Fuck. And she does. Marty's word is insouciant. He asks for a definition, and then spells it. Lorna misspells gibbous, somehow, and Gayleen loses her first teammate. Matthew is eliminated on cephalalgia, and I might have lost on that one too, so I will refrain from mockery. Tracy is eliminated with the word amanuensis. Now, she didn't even come close, and Gayleen is on her own. But I'd like to point out that the fucking people doing the fucking show have spelled the word wrong on the screen. They have spelled it "amaneunsis". What the fuck? I mean, honestly. Look up the fucking word you assclowns, seriously!
There is some show biz editing here, and rightly so, as the contest went on a bit.
Gordon misspells etymology very, very badly. He makes up for it by spelling "walking off' entirely correctly, to the laughter of all.
Jennifer spells bibliophile, and Marty spells ascetic.
Rebecca misspells phalanx, and is the last person on her team to go. She, Matthew, and Gordon are the chefs of the day. So the punishment has been decided. The punishment for winning remains.
James spells kaleidoscope, his first actual spoken part in this episode. A note here that the sound in this challenge has an odd echo, and I'm not sure why. Anyway, here's James, ladies. And he's MARRIED.
Nancy spells monozygotic. There's a joke here, I'm sure. I'll probably come up with it tonight as I lay in bed and think of her. For now, I'm stumped.
Gayleen spells bureaucratic, typing on an invisible keyboard as she does it. That word is my frigging Waterloo. My chances there would have been fifty-fifty at best. So far, cephalalgia and bureaucratic are the only two words that would have challenged me. Notice here that Gayleen is now entirely on her own against two entirely intact teams.
Paul is eliminated by clurichaun, because he is not enough of a geek. Joe is eliminated by bivouac, and Jennifer by gnosticism.
Marty surrenders on the word formaldehyde, spelling "MICKEY MOUSE". I suspect he knew how to spell the word, but didn't want to win. That's what I think. I think he was voting with his funny.
Our final three are Gayleen, Nancy, and James. Gayleen spells sanguine. James spells gemellology. I would have totally fucked that one. James, you are officially better than me. The key is in realizing that gemellology is the study of twins. I would have assumed they meant gemology. Nancy spells Aurora Borealis, which is a giant step back in complexity, in my book. Also, it's two words. Whatever. Gayleen spells thaumaturgical. Seeing as her book is about magic, she'd better know that word.
James loses out on glossolalia, a word I'd have gotten, but only because it's a phenomenon I am fascinated by. Nancy is taken out by logorrhea.
I fucking embody that word.
So Gayleen wins it for her team. This is funny, as she was so whiny about it. Rachel refers to her as a hustler. I love this. Gayleen claims she honestly thought she could not spell. She may be sincere but if she is it's only because people never seem to get what they are good at.
The Parasite says that, after the break, the winning team will take their trip, but one writer isn't going anywhere. He makes that sound as though there is something naughty about to transpire. There isn't.
So, we're at a commercial break now, and George has curled into the fetal position here. I'm inclined to leave him that way. I feel a little bad for what I've subjected him to. I mean, Star Wars is his work. I suppose he's entitled to do with it what he will. Nobody is making us watch the special editions or the prequels. People do that because they're invested. That's not his fault, I suppose.
It's not like, for example, twelve people devoted an enormous amount of energy to it with the promise that they would receive the attendant publicity and exposure inherent in the show, only to find out that they network intended to just let it sit on a shelf for two full years until a legal tangle with the CRTC forced them to air it.
Sigh. I know. I know I should let this go. I know I should just be happy they're airing the show at all. I should try to appreciate it for what it is. I'm just so damned disappointed. This was supposed to be seven hours. I find myself thinking of the last episode. It was filmed live, with a studio audience. I don't know how they will cut that to half the running time, but I bet they'll do it by just not showing everyone's reviews.
That is so unfair it makes me want to scream. They all worked so bloody hard. The production staff, too, and now it's all in the hands of these strangers. Strangers who don't seem to get it.
Strangers who can't spell amanuensis, and probably don't think it's important. Tate would have cared. Tate would have looked it up.
So, George, I forgive you. You went back to your well one time too many, and you messed up your own work, but at least you pissed in your own sandbox. You're free to go.
George: Really?
Yes. The door's open. Be free.
George: (sound of scampering, and then the joyous scream of a man breathing air as a free man again, when he never expected to)
That's nice. I hope it inspires him.
We're back from the commercial. The Parasite says, "Before the break, Gayleen and her team of Lorna and Tracy won the spelling bee challenge". Ha! Those girls were each eliminated on their first words. Gayleen won that contest solo. Her team is totally reaping the "reward" by her sufferance.
Gayleen, "feeling the pressure to produce more pages", by which we mean, not being an utter fucking fool, and wanting to get back to the task at hand, gives her prize to Joe.
That was actually sweet. Joe was well ahead of schedule, and bemoaning the fact that all she'd seen of the city was the bookstore. So, this way she got to see some of the pretty parts of town.
They head out on the Radio Railway, to cross the High Level Bridge. it is a very nice trip. Timothy gives some pointers.
Joe mentions that she thinks Edmonton is pretty and that Timothy's advice is invaluable.
A word on Timothy here. I like Timothy. In this segment he is the most diplomatic man in the world. I am in awe of his performance.
He explains that Joe's book is very ambitious, both in scope and message. Joe had a feeling that she was a bit too distanced from the action in the beginning of the book, and he confirms that she is not revealing enough of the story through her characters. This is probably dead on good advice, and certainly Joe feels so. Timothy expresses his doubts that three days is enough time to fully deal with the concepts of her book.
He says that Tracy is an intuitive writer, just starting to second guess herself. He hopes she'll ditch some stuff that's distracting from the story. Tracy is being polite, but doesn't seem to think TImothy was helpful. She's a little, I'm sorry, snotty here, saying he's given her a good idea what to expect in the Alberta publishing world. Her tone indicates, in my opinion that she has a pretty low opinion of that world. I don't think I'd want to come off that way on a TV show, if it were me.
Lorna seems to have appreciated the fresh air, and the fresh eyes on the manuscript. Timothy says she is having some structural problems. Lorna is having consistency issues with the male voice, and she seems to have taken his advice to heart. He feels the second half of the book may be her chance to shine, which is usually not the way it goes in the 3 day where people tend to start strong and fall apart.
And we're back to commercials again. Do we have an extra break this time out? That seemed very short. Huh. Inconsistency.
Back from the break, Matthew is announcing the Barbeque is ready.
It's at this point that I realize two things. They've cut a whole challenge wherein the contestants reenact or perform scenes from past winners' books. Also they've cut out the visit from Lucha Libro, the book wrestler.
I am not particularly sorry about either of these things going missing, actually, but they were both. I'm told, funny.
This maniac in a Mexican wrestling mask, who called himself Lucha Libro attacked Gayleen with a Gabriel Gracia Marquez book and informed the children of the world that reading would make them mighty. I missed his appearance, oddly. I have no idea why. I was there all weekend. In fact, I'd only just excused myself a few minutes earlier. After he left, I returned, slightly dishevelled and out of breath, and was informed he'd already vanished. Huh. Just my luck. Anyway, not having seen this happen, and having no personal connection to the event whatsoever, I can't much mourn that it was cut. I'm told, however, that it was awesome.
The performance challenge, which was not that much fun to watch, did lead to the infamous incident in which James hung a stuffed dog from a noose. In the children's section. This incident was a highlight of the weekend for the participants. I can attest to the great humour and merriment that arose from that.
Gordon, who really resented the job of grill cook, is being snarky. A customer asks if he thinks he'll finish in time. He says that he will not. I think he really believed this. Also, he is sitting much to close to the hot grill for a guy who has partial feeling, at best, in his legs.
By Sunday night Gordon is at 15000, and Gayleen is at 16000. Matthew is at 13500. Jennifer is at 10500, but reminds us she is editing as she goes, which will save time in the long run. I am less certain this is true.
Marty says "Don't ask me about frigging word count." Joe says she hasn't done a word count but is at 73 pages. Lorna is at 45, and Nancy is at 50 pages. Paul is at 13,000 words.
Rebecca says she's not very far along, and that it's not a book at all it's just a really long paragraph. Rebecca is funny. I hope she knows this.
At this point, I want another challenge, because this is all sports scores now. And we DID THIS PART already. At the beginning. Ask them ABOUT THE BOOK!
Oh look, the camera guy is actually doing that. He asks Jennifer if she's happy with the quality of the book. I mean, its not a specific question but it beats the hell out of asking her again if she's beat the spread. She says she is.
Gordon, happily, says that his characters are surprising him. Tracy says the pressure is bringing out new angles and new characters. Nancy is saying it's difficult to judge quality because you're not doing a lot of re-reading. I must say i totally get that. Both times I did this contest, I had NO idea whatsoever if my books were good, bad, or nonsense. When Silver Bullets shortlisted, I was honestly surprised. I still don't know if my book this year is better or worse than last years. I think I like it better, though I've no earthly idea why. I think that those books become so intense and personal that you're maybe better off relying on other people to answer the question of quality.
Nancy looks like hell here, and no wonder as she was, at this point, suffering from a nasty toothache. So, if you're wondering where her chipper went, that's your answer. Gayleen provided her with top-notch painkillers, but it didn't help much.
Lorna feels that she started strong but is wavering off. Paul feels that he now can see the sequence of scenes that will take him to the end of the book. Marty is in view of his climax and anticipating Monday will be a straight print to the finish.
Matthew is feeling his deadline. Rebecca and Gayleen both seem pleasantly surprised with the quality of things.
Just before midnight, Joe finishes her book. That is insane. I still do not know how she did that. She and I are very different writers. Her plan appears to be, and she talks about this once the applause dies down, that she has the beginning middle and end in place and can spend Monday fleshing it out and making it better. That is surely a way to do it, and I hope they talk to her about it some in the next episode because that is so different from how I'd do it that it's fascinating.
I'm not hopeful. My prediction, and I'd love to be wrong, is that they will do a lot more sport scores, one of the dreadful challenges with Todd Babiak, and a lot of hugging and goodbyes.
Joe asks where the champagne is.
France, baby. Canadian TV can't afford champagne.
Instead of talking about the stories, the crew asks how people are holding up physically. Lorna says she's tired. No kidding. James says he's getting occasional waves that feel like he might collapse. Matthew says his eyes are bleary and people are asking him if he's sick. Gayleen says she's okay and she got three and a half hours sleep last night. Sure. That's probably enough. AMrty says that he is a wreck and not holding up at all.
This was very true. By this point, he kept doing actual faceplants on the keyboard. No kidding. The rest of them kept telling him he needed to go to bed.
Tracy is doing better. Nancy is also holding up for now.
Paul has just, he informs us, had his first cup of coffee. Ever. It has hit him like a train and he is talking and talking and talking. It's adorable. I hope it's true. Me, I'd have been on my ninetieth Dr. Pepper by now, and still drifting off.
I hope George is making his way home okay. Are those sirens?
Huh.
Rebecca brings the funny again. "Right now, you could shine a bright light in my eyes and I'd probably chase it like a cat."
Those are sirens. I need to wrap this up.
Ironically Paul and Gordon are discussing how they can get on schedule if they use the night well. Gayleen says she's not thinking of word count so much as she has a story she wants to tell, and thinks she's doing okay. I believe that I know what she means here. She had a pretty detailed outline in place, and thought she had to go to 50,000, so her challenge is to cut the non-essentials and focus on the prime story. The freedom she may feel here at only having to go to around 30,000 is balanced by her concern that she can't cut the wrong thing.
Joe says she has kids and can write in spurts.
Lorna has fifteen pages to write before sleep time.
Nancy hoped to be further along before bedtime. We see folks retiring, and are told next week is the dramatic conclusion.
The credits roll, and we see Rebecca walking in on Marty juggling again. She looks like a proud Momma even when he drops a ball. How can you not love this girl? Seriously.
Okay, my hands are up. Put the guns down, officers. Don't be crazy. Oh, this taser? Of course I didn't use a taser on George Lucas, that's...
I want a lawyer please.
Lawyer.
Lawyer.
Lawyer.
Next week.
Lawyer.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Episode 5: Caplet
Hello loyal fan.
I have watched episode five, and on the whole, it's good. It's more about the writing process than I thought the show would ever give me.
Of course, my major televison debut was left, thank god, on the cutting room floor. I'll discuss that, and so much more, in the full recap. Monday morning, probably sooner.
I have watched episode five, and on the whole, it's good. It's more about the writing process than I thought the show would ever give me.
Of course, my major televison debut was left, thank god, on the cutting room floor. I'll discuss that, and so much more, in the full recap. Monday morning, probably sooner.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Episode 4: The Capper Digresses
Welcome back for a belated week four. I'd liked to have had this done a lot sooner, but I spent an inordinate amount of time this week doing actual activities which required human contact. While many of these things were, in fact, enjoyable, I can't deny that I'd have rather been here, just you and I, cuddled under the blanket on a comfy couch and bitching impotently about the show.
Without further delay, let's hop to it. Oh wait, that reminds me, did anyone else see the latest SNL digital short featuring a rap between the resident wiseass Andy Samberg and a 250 pound black dude pretending to be Reba McEntire? I find myself in the strange position of wanting to call that woman on the phone and see how she's doing. I mean, they weren't actually taking the piss out of her so much as painting Samberg as a total fool, but wow.
That's how you digress, kids. That's how it's done. Today my brain is a free-associational jukebox. I have more needless asides today than that time on Family Guy when Peter said, "This is more redundant than a flashback within a flashback", and there was a series of quick cuts to versions of him saying that, and flashing back ad infinitum until my television exploded.
Which reminds me, my guest co-capper today is Seth MacFarlane, the show runner over at Family Guy, and also the voice of Peter, Stewie, and Brian. How are you today, Seth?
Seth: (in Peter's voice) Freakin' sweet.
Good to hear, you pipe up when the mood strikes you.
Seth: (in Stewie's voice) Oh, never fear. I shall.
Great. So, we're into the last week ons, and I won't go into that, you were all here. Except for you Seth.
Seth: That's true.
Wait, are you doing Brian's voice, or is that you doing your normal speaking voice?
Seth: (long pause): I...I don't know anymore. Oh God!
Great. Well, it was pretty dull. It was all challenges all the time.
Seth: (as Peter): Wait a minute. These guys are all just writing books? For three days?
Yes. It's for a specialty network about reading.
Seth: And nobody's even freaking naked or anything? How do you get eliminated? Do you get kicked off the bookstore...oh no wait...written out of the plot.
Seth: (as Brian) Oh my god. Peter, that was actually witty.
Um. Seth. Can you prune it back a little here? We're only twenty seconds in, and already this is getting long.
Seth: (with deep self loathing, as Meg) Sorry. I'm just so stupid. Stupid.
Seth, you don't even DO Meg's voice on the show.
Seth: (as Peter) Oh who cares? It's only Meg.
Anyway, here are the opening credits now, and I am almost sure that's Todd shadowboxing now.
The episode starts with Jennifer and Tracy (who lost the last challenge) preparing for their bathroom cleaning adventure. Not surprisingly, they are focusing on Jennifer's attire. She is in four inch heels, a satin leopard print dress and a faux fur wrap. Tracy is as amused as anyone.
Seth: (as Peter) This is what I'm talking about. Oh yeah, the blonde one's cute too. Look at her bending over to pour that floor cleaner. Do they make out?
No. But that little thing where Tracy points her toe like a housewife in a commercial is cute. And as they push open the bathroom door to the men's room Tracy seems to think this is both sick and wrong.
Speaking as a dude who did a short time as a night janitor, the men's room is usually a walk in the park by comparison to the ladies' room. I think that the lineups are so long that by the time women get in the stall they have been reduced to primitive simian dung-throwing rage. It's the only explanation because, let's face it, men are animals. There is no way their bathroom should be cleaner.
Now a word on form, here. Girls, sweep before you mop. Especially when there are visible pieces of paper towel and toilet paper on the floor. Think. You are making papier-mâché with that mop. It's not productive.
Seth: (as Brian, I think) No, it's not productive but it's quite a show. Her bra is showing and everything. That is undeniably hot. I love a woman cleaning in four inch heels.
Seth: (as Stewie) Sure, everyone talks about me, nobody talks about your issues. You're a dog, you realize that? If you showed as much attention to that witch in the satin dress as you show your many girlfriends, she'd swat you with a rolled-up newspaper.
Seth: (as Brian) I should be so lucky. Awooo!
Hey, that is a friend of mine. A friend with children. Stop that ogling right now.
Oh good, we're in the bookstore with Marty. He is on his $300 shopping spree, the fruit of his victory last challenge. The first thing he does is buy all the books he can find by his fellow contestants. Don't you want to just pinch those cheeks? He is such a nice guy. I repeat, bodies in the basement.
Seth: (as Peter) Yay, we're back in the bathroom with Catwoman.
Okay. Enough. Look. Seth, when I asked you to co-cap today, I asked you here because you're the chief mind behind what is arguably the seminal comedy show of our times. You have an enormous amount of insight to offer on how shows are made and how they could be improved. I want that Seth. I didn't ask you here as some kind of performing ape. You don't have to just do impressions all night long.
Seth: Should I...should I sing?
God no. You should stop doing that altogether. It was funny once or twice but now it's just this weird affectation that people tolerate. Like with Jerry Lewis.
Seth: Are you comparing me to Jerry Lewis?
Not in a good way.
Seth: Oh.
Anyway, we're out in the parking lot with Rebecca. With her is a bald fellow. This is Tate. The show was his baby, and we don't see much of him in the show. I don't know if he wound up on the cutting room floor by design, or from time constraints or what, but it's too bad. I love Tate. I don't have a bad thing to say about the man. Even though I might not agree with some of his decisions, he's the reason we have this show at all. That takes drive.
He's helping Rebecca set the tent up in the parking lot. Pay attention to how unhappy he looks. Also how cold and empty that lot is. There's a shot of Tate looking at the tent and walking toward the store with some serious concern on his face, and then the Parasite pipes up. He says that Rebecca's fellow writers insisted she sleep inside. This is one way to put it. Another way would be to say that they screamed and threatened lives.
I don't think they had to twist many arms. I happen to know there was a confessional with Tate addressing the camera about how this sounded like a good idea, but that he didn't want to do it now. Aww.
Anyway, the Parasite says, a compromise is reached. She's sleeping in the entranceway. Technically inside.
Seth: Uh...doesn't that sort of cut back the drama?
Was that Seth or Brian asking? Never mind. It does, but only a little, and this show, if you're paying attention is about twelve people becoming friends. The only contest on this show that matters is writer versus their own book. And, as if to prove my point, Tracy and Rebecca have sneaked next door to the bar for a drink, and Marty has tracked them down. He had some money left over on his spree and bought chocolates for everyone. Because he is my new imaginary boyfriend. Don't tell him, he'll blush.
Seth: (shifting over uncomfortably) Uh...are you....
Oh, what's the matter Seth? Are you scared you're going to trip and go down on me? Nobody makes as many cheap gay jokes as you do without having some issues. I'm bi. Whatever. Relax. I'm not into frat boys who do voices for a living.
Marty joins them, and then Nancy shows up. I suspect her booze sense was tingling. "Somewhere," Nancy says, looking up suddenly, "a writer is drinking beer. I like beer."
Tracy is now eye-fucking the camera and suggesting that one night, the writers should sneak away to an undisclosed location for a drink. Good luck with that, hon. Marty suggests an underground novel reading and pit-bull fight.
How much do you want to bet he and the station receive letters from people about this? Oh wait...I think the contestants and their friends and families may be the only ones watching.
The Parasite takes us back to several quick shots of the writers at their keyboards, and there's Gayleen getting down with her bad self. The transition here is from the excitement of the challenges and post-challenge antics to the serious night's work of writing. This was a major part of the weekend. Really, most of the work was done in those hours between being hassled and sleeping.
Marty and Rebecca are not slipping back into it, so we see Rebecca teaching Marty to juggle. This is very sweet stuff. This is why I tune in. She's really good at explaining it, and he's picking it up pretty good for a guy who's just starting.
The Parasite seems to disagree, advising him to keep his day job. Shut up, scab they hired so as to not pay Rachel to do the rest of her job as the host. Grrrrr.
Seth: (as Peter) Woah, what the hell? That is not cool? What'd he do?
That's it.
(shoots Seth MacFarlane in the face, body drops)
I'm sorry about that. It was a bad idea having him here. I know you'll miss new episodes of Family Guy. I will too. I really do like it. Don't worry though, Harvard will spit out a new douchebag soon. It used to be a great school. Now it's a factory for funny douchebags.
Anyway.
Now it's the voyeur cam. Nothing creepy about filming people sleeping with a low-light lens. Seriously, that's just weird.
We see a printer in the throes of a serious technical malfunction. If memory serves, this malfunction was one of many, and the writers had taken to printing hard copy regularly because none of them trusted the servers at all.
Gayleen asks the crew what it would take, financially, for them to turn their heads while the writers go Office Space on the printer. Oh Gayleen, we've been through this so many times, me and you. That is a long term solution to a short term problem. But you're sleep deprived, and so are the other worried people agreeing with you. The cameraman points out, and rightfully so, that he'd be pretty remiss not filming that.
Marty asks what the odds are on somebody throwing a rampage, and from the look in his eyes it appears it may be time for him to put down the pen and kill again. He pulls back his Dark Passenger, and says solemnly that he will trust that whatever pages he's written will remain on the system should it crash. it sounds like a threat.
One by one, we are informed, the writers head to bed, save Rebecca, who, being a supergenius, steals her mattress and takes it into the tent. As near as I can tell, aside from Lorna, who is crashing in a hotel this night, she now has the best shot at restful sleep. She is in a darkened, zipped tent with a good mattress and nobody snoring. Turning your disadvantages into advantages is the sign of a wise warrior.
She is surely savvy enough to have figured this out. She suggests she should roast marshmallows. I'd have loved that.
And now the first commercial break is up. A word on that. Is it just me or, demographically speaking, is this show aimed at women between 40-60 exclusively. I haven't heard a record scratch or anyone using the word "extreme" yet. Hmm.
Seth MacFarlane's body is rotting, by the way, much faster than you'd expect. There's very little smell, though. It's almost like some supernatural force has kept him alive for far longer than the natural lifespan he should have had. Like the last couple of years of his life have been a little sub-par. Almost as if he were exchanging quality for quantity. Like the Simpsons, for just one example.
But back to the show, it's Sunday a.m. and the writers are being observed as they wake up. Gordon makes his way to the keys and he is so exhausted that I can't even enjoy seeing him this way. I worried about Gordon that weekend. He slept the least, and with his partial paralysis, needs to pay attention to things like where his feet are as he walks. He doesn't have the automatic feedback that most people have and can seriously injure himself. I did not want this to happen. He is my friend.
We cut to Jennifer, who has no makeup on right now, though she is in some stylish workout clothes. No jumping rope this morning though.
Ghostly voice of Seth: (as ghostly voice of Peter) I missed seeing this chick skip rope? What a rip.
Begone unclean spirit, the power of Christ compels you.
Ghostly voice of Seth: (as Stewie) You've not heard the last of us, priestly one. (unearthly scream of the banished damned)
Anyway, god love her, Jennifer does not want to be seen sans makeup and has brought a blue feathered mask to conceal her shame. She wears this all the way to the bathroom. No wonder she and Gayleen get along so well. They are crazy in very similar ways
Matthew is interviewed from bed, and discussing how he can't believe there are two more days, and that bedtime that night seems very far away.
Marty is also filmed in bed, and is about as happy as I'd be. See, people, you made fun of her for bringing a tent, but who's laughing now? Nobody. Nobody is laughing now. Sleep deprivation has no winners and losers, just sufferers, and you are all starting to suffer.
Marty is wearing a t-shirt with a CBC logo on it. If this was an American show, they'd digitally blur that logo. This is Canada, we're classier than that.
"And then," the Parasite says, "There are people like Nancy."
Nancy is bright eyed, you might say manic, and bushy tailed. She is well-rested and cheerful, and if I were Matthew, and had just taken that long to find and pick up my own clothing for the day, I'd be inclined to bash her brains in with a chair. Morning people are creepy and weird. Of course, she saved some time by not worrying extensively about her personal hygiene. This is not a cheap shot. She bragged to some of the other contestants about how she didn't need to shower. Her mother, apparently, her MOTHER, once gave her this sage advice, "You've got to wash the tits, pits, and slits." Stay classy, crazy hellcat librarian lady. I wish they'd got THAT on film and aired it. They did not. She tells us that at home she is woken up by any teeny noise, but here, sleeping in a storeroom with 11 other wacko people she didn't hear a thing.
Other wacko people is the best way to phrase that.
James is now giving us a small lesson in "earplugging". The secret he says is to first roll them between thumb and index finger, "gently, like a lover, and then squeeze them into the orifices. Again, gently, like a lover."
I am concerned at the state of sex education in Britain. That's all I am saying. Maybe they teach "earplugging" as a safe sex alternative, like chastity and butt sex.
Lorna is well rested after her night in the hotel and looking forward to getting a lot of work. Rebecca too, as predicted by me, had a great night sleep in a relative way.
Now we're in the ladies' room with the camera crew. Rebecca, Gayleen and Tracy are at the mirror. Tracy wishes the crew dead with her eyes and says, "Oh hey, it's you." Gayleen laughs because she knows that these confrontations are priceless. You need to know Tracy is not kidding. For a chick what signed up for this it seems she had no understanding that this was going to be on TV and she pretty much resented the cameras a lot.
Tracy asks Gayleen if she stayed up all night writing, and she did not. She was up until about four. Rebecca says something I absolutely cannot hear. The audio in this scene is really rough for some reason. Maybe it's the running water, or maybe the camera man was keeping his distance because Tracy looks as though she could honestly go feral right now. And this chick has lived on the streets, she could probably fuck a body up.
Tracy says to the camera guy, "I thought you weren't allowed in the bathrooms. Seriously."
"They're allowed in the bathrooms," Gayleen says. "I think they're not allowed in the stalls or something." You think? Or something. I'd like to interview past Gayleen and have her elucidate on her train of thought.
Past Gayleen: What? What do you want?
Uh. Nothing. You just finish putting on your makeup.
Past Gayleen: Are you sure? Because I'd love to talk. Really. I have nothing better to do as I try desperately to write a freaking book with a camera up my nose. I'd love to just sit here and….
No, really, it's okay.
Ghostly voice of Seth: (as Stewie) No, no, I'm just messing with you. The afterlife is pretty neat. This whole haunting the living thing is…well…it's no substitute for killing Lois, but it's great. It's great.
(facepalm) This is so out of hand. Wait a second. I have a dose of a freaky ghost. I'd think I d' better call…
(door smashes open and proton accelerators are brandished. Spengler, Stantz, Venkman and Zeddemore fire multicoloured streams of light at the hovering presence and after a very expensive moment, the threat has passed)
Thanks.
Stantz: No need to thank us sir. We're professionals.
Venkman: Will that be cash or Visa?
I'll get back to you on that later.
Anyway, back in the ladies' room Tracy says she can't believe she slept almost ten hours. For a moment Gayleen proceeds with her ablutions, and then stops. "I just processed that," she says, "You did what now?"
Apparently Tracy feels good. I bet. I can't say this enough, if you are playing the home game, do not skimp on sleep. Seriously.
Gayleen explains that her worst fear was that she'd be woken up by the camera crew ten minutes before a challenge at ten in the morning. Tracy offers that they might take the challenge right to her bed. "Write, monkey, write!" She gets it.
Gayleen asks what would happen if you didn't show up for a challenge. It's a good question. Nobody tested it. Tracy brushes theatrically for the camera, annoyed and then tells them to get out because she has to pee.
Having established the scene the writers are asked about their writing. Paul has made good progress but is still a little behind where he'd like to be. Gordon has crossed 10,000 and things are flowing. Then we cut to Matthew.
Matthew's outline is a series of stick figure cartoons describing each chapter. It is a ridiculously wasteful use of the allowed outline space, but I love him to tiny bits. I have rarely laughed so hard at any of the surprises I've had.
Lorna's goal was to write three of her nine planned parts each day, and she is just shy of her goal.
Back to Matthew, he's talking about how he's writing a book about surviving members of sets of twins, so he's had to come up with a lot of deaths. This has been a challenge for him. Apparently he has never worked retail. I spent years planning so many. So very many, and wishing so many more. Anyway, he had finally decided on a diving accident for this one death and accidentally typed "dining accident". Naturally, when fate throws you a fish like that, you snap it from the air with your pointy snout and chirp for another. Also, I'm a dolphin now.
Gordon slept off an on for two to three hours. I think that's a generous estimate. He feels like the book is a monster hanging over his head.
And now we're in the commercial break. I'm sorry, Dr. Venkman. Thanks for waiting. Here's my card.
Declined? What happens now?
(Spengler looks to his colleagues and they go for a conference in the corner)
And we're back from that break.
We start with a confessional from Tracy. I pause the video and go get some popcorn. This should be legend...wait for it...ary.
What was that? I don't quote Barney from How I Met Your Mother, and even if I did that's like two seasons ago, that catchphrase. What have you done to me?
Venkman: Nobody stiffs the Ghostbusters.
(Ghostbusters leave)
Uh-oh. Anyhow. Oh look there's Marty and we're back to Tracy who is apologizing to the cameramen and crew. Marty is beginning to tire of the spectators, but trying not to be mean about it. Oh, look it's James.
James is telling us this is the first weekend since he was 12 that he has been sober the whole time. Huh.
Back to Marty, who is suffering for his local fame a little.
Now James is holding up his "shaking" hand. Then he says, "Thank you Book Television". Excellent piece of deadpan humour/confession from the darkest heart of the soul.
Tracy now is apologizing in advance for tomorrow. Heh.
Paul is browsing book titles for inspiration, and he returns to his desk with "A Great Deliverance" and "Fiasco", his two possibilities for the day.
And now we're into a challenge. There's host Rachel, who I've seen naked.
(head shake)
Okay, that was weird, I haven't quoted that catchphrase in 20 years. But seriously, I have seen her naked. In Chatelaine magazine, of all places. I swear I only read it for the articles. It always freaks me out when I'm reading a magazine and I see someone that I know completely nude. After that pictorial of my Mom and all my great aunts, you'd think I'd have learned. Sadly no.
Rachel asks the poor bastards how they are. They mumble as a group. What happened to the cheerful, enthusiastic crowd from yesterday? Ha! We are introduced to Melissa, the new judge for the day, and Rachel tells them not to think the day will go any better because Faust is gone. Well, for my part, it's nicer to look at anyhow.
The challenge for the day is, in 3 minutes, to write a love scene. Oh dear god, this is the cruelest challenge ever. Did they have to spring it as the first challenge out of the gate with a chick judge.
This is more sexist that the swimsuit competition for the "Lady Nobel" the year Marie Curie won for being so very slim.
Oh God. Oh Jesus no.
Back to the show, the winner is supposed to receive a website designed by book TV. Marty points out that Paul has an advantage as he has "The Idiot's Guide to Writing Erotic Romance". This is hilarious and true.
Melissa gives her criteria, explaining that she is not looking for letters to Penthouse. Rachel says she wouldn't mind. Neither would I. I am totally looking for letters to penthouse. Send them to me at letterstopenthouse@fishclock.ca.
Best letter wins the prize nobody claimed last week.
And 3…2…1…infuriating quick cuts… and stop.
Gayleen is first off, and that love scene is not from her book I can tell you. Her book is entirely about dudes and was, at that time, sex free. It's not badly written, but her heart is not in this. She does not embarrass herself, though she did run howling from the room like a banshee when we watched it.
Marty's (what we hear of it) is short and sweet, but not evocative of passion or strong feeling. He is very uncomfortable reading it, too.
Jennifer's is a romance novel, as it happens, so…well. It's not so good, though again, we're only seeing excerpts.
James' is not a love scene. Again, he and I are kindred spirits. He avoided the contest here by making it a sort of non-love scene. A scene about love scenes. It's a viable way to take it. Three minutes is not enough time to be sure you're going to get it right. A bad love scene is excruciating and totally embarrassing in a way you can tend to duck with most other kinds of writing.
Paul's is dirty. A woman has a kissable puss. This is a comedy, and as such, he's playing it for laughs. His has an actual song in it. Which he sings. Badly. It's a hoot.
Matthew comes out of nowhere with a gay love scene that is both tender and hot without being explicit or gross. I am proud of him for having the guts to do that on TV, and for doing it so damned well.
Nancy's is just crude. "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours." Seriously. Are you Robert Heinlein in a wig? Really? That was less romantic than that romantic comedy starring Sigourney Weaver and Billy Bob Thornton as registered sex offenders on a work release program in Alabama.
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
Gordon's love scene is between a kidnapper and his victim. Again, I can see going there. Again, not a love scene.
Joe's is very short, and seems, from what we see, to focus on love at a distance.
Rebecca's is also short, and very sweet. Not in the least embarrassing. I think in this contest she's a front runner.
We close on Paul finishing his song. Once again Lorna get's no screen time here, nor Tracy. What is the deal with that. Lorna is fucking absent from this show. Why? God knows she's photogenic. I know she might not be the most outgoing person on the show, but she's not the least outgoing. It's baffling. I love you, Lorna, for what that's worth.
Melissa breaks down the losers, saying that everyone did a good job under pressure. Gordon and Jennifer hit the bottom two. Melissa spanks Gordon for being funny but ducking the contest, which he did. Also, I think she's totally correct in pointing out this is non-consensual and therefore creepy. Jennifer she spanks for using the word supple three times in one paragraph. That is too many times. Of course, thanks to the editing, WE DIDN'T SEE THAT. It's not a reason for her to be spared, but it does FEEL like she's being punished for no reason. Jeez. Get with it. If it's important later, don't cut the damned footage. Jennifer is singled out to receive the punishment.
Marty asks when Faust is coming back. Everybody laughs. Good Joke. Not really a joke. Ha. Ha.
The top three are Marty, Matthew and James, and James is eliminated for ducking the game, and Marty for not having the erotic side. Matthew wins it. YES!
And we see Matthew and Jennifer side by side. Rachel asks Jennifer how she feels being a loser. Nice. Jennifer says she stands by her work. Don't. Supple. Three times. One paragraph. Take your medicine. We've all done something that bad. I once wrote a paragraph with the word "pricy" in it seven times. It's okay to be wrong.
Now they're asking Melissa how she felt judging people. Nobody asked Faust that. That's because he has a penis, and it's expected that he doesn't care. Melissa explains that it's hard to do it, as her usual role as an organizer of the contest is to be supportive. Sigh. I know it's true, and she's just being honest, but I find this whole segment really patronizing. "It's hard for women to be aggressive and make decisions, that's why we pay them less."
I respect the shit out of this woman, why the romance challenge and then THIS. Grr. Sexism.
Back to the contestants, Matthew is doing well being light and glib. Rachel asks him if writing the scenes is embarrassing, awkward, does it turn him on? I love Rachel. She's a superfreak, the kind you don't take home to mother. So many people would just be so bland in her shoes. She has fun. Matthew laughs that off and says that every good novel needs a love scene. Like Judgement at Nuremberg.
Okay he doesn't say that. I do.
But hey, at least nobody wrote a scene in which a strong confident woman is raped by an architect and immediately falls in love with him. Unlike Ayn Rand.
I wish that woman was alive again just so I could murder her.
Ghost of Seth: (as Brian) Wow, you really have some anger management issues. All you seem to talk about is murder, and then there was the whole, you know, actually murdering us thing. I don't think I want to be in your head pulling your strings. It's dark in there, man.
You think I don't know that? You think I don't lay awake nights waiting for my own inner voices to stop screaming?
Ghost of Seth: Wow, is that the time….
Fine! Leave me. Leave me like they all leave me, you bastard. Who needs you! Not me.
(sobs through next week previews, which show a spelling bee to be imminent. I like spelling bees. Can I play? No. Nobody plays with you. You're worthless. You're worthless and nobody will ever love you.)
And in the credits we see Gordon complaining about how he was profiled in Reader's Digest with his wife and dog, and twice over the next month people walked up to him because they recognized the dog.
Well, man, what can I say. You're great and all, but people love dogs.
Without further delay, let's hop to it. Oh wait, that reminds me, did anyone else see the latest SNL digital short featuring a rap between the resident wiseass Andy Samberg and a 250 pound black dude pretending to be Reba McEntire? I find myself in the strange position of wanting to call that woman on the phone and see how she's doing. I mean, they weren't actually taking the piss out of her so much as painting Samberg as a total fool, but wow.
That's how you digress, kids. That's how it's done. Today my brain is a free-associational jukebox. I have more needless asides today than that time on Family Guy when Peter said, "This is more redundant than a flashback within a flashback", and there was a series of quick cuts to versions of him saying that, and flashing back ad infinitum until my television exploded.
Which reminds me, my guest co-capper today is Seth MacFarlane, the show runner over at Family Guy, and also the voice of Peter, Stewie, and Brian. How are you today, Seth?
Seth: (in Peter's voice) Freakin' sweet.
Good to hear, you pipe up when the mood strikes you.
Seth: (in Stewie's voice) Oh, never fear. I shall.
Great. So, we're into the last week ons, and I won't go into that, you were all here. Except for you Seth.
Seth: That's true.
Wait, are you doing Brian's voice, or is that you doing your normal speaking voice?
Seth: (long pause): I...I don't know anymore. Oh God!
Great. Well, it was pretty dull. It was all challenges all the time.
Seth: (as Peter): Wait a minute. These guys are all just writing books? For three days?
Yes. It's for a specialty network about reading.
Seth: And nobody's even freaking naked or anything? How do you get eliminated? Do you get kicked off the bookstore...oh no wait...written out of the plot.
Seth: (as Brian) Oh my god. Peter, that was actually witty.
Um. Seth. Can you prune it back a little here? We're only twenty seconds in, and already this is getting long.
Seth: (with deep self loathing, as Meg) Sorry. I'm just so stupid. Stupid.
Seth, you don't even DO Meg's voice on the show.
Seth: (as Peter) Oh who cares? It's only Meg.
Anyway, here are the opening credits now, and I am almost sure that's Todd shadowboxing now.
The episode starts with Jennifer and Tracy (who lost the last challenge) preparing for their bathroom cleaning adventure. Not surprisingly, they are focusing on Jennifer's attire. She is in four inch heels, a satin leopard print dress and a faux fur wrap. Tracy is as amused as anyone.
Seth: (as Peter) This is what I'm talking about. Oh yeah, the blonde one's cute too. Look at her bending over to pour that floor cleaner. Do they make out?
No. But that little thing where Tracy points her toe like a housewife in a commercial is cute. And as they push open the bathroom door to the men's room Tracy seems to think this is both sick and wrong.
Speaking as a dude who did a short time as a night janitor, the men's room is usually a walk in the park by comparison to the ladies' room. I think that the lineups are so long that by the time women get in the stall they have been reduced to primitive simian dung-throwing rage. It's the only explanation because, let's face it, men are animals. There is no way their bathroom should be cleaner.
Now a word on form, here. Girls, sweep before you mop. Especially when there are visible pieces of paper towel and toilet paper on the floor. Think. You are making papier-mâché with that mop. It's not productive.
Seth: (as Brian, I think) No, it's not productive but it's quite a show. Her bra is showing and everything. That is undeniably hot. I love a woman cleaning in four inch heels.
Seth: (as Stewie) Sure, everyone talks about me, nobody talks about your issues. You're a dog, you realize that? If you showed as much attention to that witch in the satin dress as you show your many girlfriends, she'd swat you with a rolled-up newspaper.
Seth: (as Brian) I should be so lucky. Awooo!
Hey, that is a friend of mine. A friend with children. Stop that ogling right now.
Oh good, we're in the bookstore with Marty. He is on his $300 shopping spree, the fruit of his victory last challenge. The first thing he does is buy all the books he can find by his fellow contestants. Don't you want to just pinch those cheeks? He is such a nice guy. I repeat, bodies in the basement.
Seth: (as Peter) Yay, we're back in the bathroom with Catwoman.
Okay. Enough. Look. Seth, when I asked you to co-cap today, I asked you here because you're the chief mind behind what is arguably the seminal comedy show of our times. You have an enormous amount of insight to offer on how shows are made and how they could be improved. I want that Seth. I didn't ask you here as some kind of performing ape. You don't have to just do impressions all night long.
Seth: Should I...should I sing?
God no. You should stop doing that altogether. It was funny once or twice but now it's just this weird affectation that people tolerate. Like with Jerry Lewis.
Seth: Are you comparing me to Jerry Lewis?
Not in a good way.
Seth: Oh.
Anyway, we're out in the parking lot with Rebecca. With her is a bald fellow. This is Tate. The show was his baby, and we don't see much of him in the show. I don't know if he wound up on the cutting room floor by design, or from time constraints or what, but it's too bad. I love Tate. I don't have a bad thing to say about the man. Even though I might not agree with some of his decisions, he's the reason we have this show at all. That takes drive.
He's helping Rebecca set the tent up in the parking lot. Pay attention to how unhappy he looks. Also how cold and empty that lot is. There's a shot of Tate looking at the tent and walking toward the store with some serious concern on his face, and then the Parasite pipes up. He says that Rebecca's fellow writers insisted she sleep inside. This is one way to put it. Another way would be to say that they screamed and threatened lives.
I don't think they had to twist many arms. I happen to know there was a confessional with Tate addressing the camera about how this sounded like a good idea, but that he didn't want to do it now. Aww.
Anyway, the Parasite says, a compromise is reached. She's sleeping in the entranceway. Technically inside.
Seth: Uh...doesn't that sort of cut back the drama?
Was that Seth or Brian asking? Never mind. It does, but only a little, and this show, if you're paying attention is about twelve people becoming friends. The only contest on this show that matters is writer versus their own book. And, as if to prove my point, Tracy and Rebecca have sneaked next door to the bar for a drink, and Marty has tracked them down. He had some money left over on his spree and bought chocolates for everyone. Because he is my new imaginary boyfriend. Don't tell him, he'll blush.
Seth: (shifting over uncomfortably) Uh...are you....
Oh, what's the matter Seth? Are you scared you're going to trip and go down on me? Nobody makes as many cheap gay jokes as you do without having some issues. I'm bi. Whatever. Relax. I'm not into frat boys who do voices for a living.
Marty joins them, and then Nancy shows up. I suspect her booze sense was tingling. "Somewhere," Nancy says, looking up suddenly, "a writer is drinking beer. I like beer."
Tracy is now eye-fucking the camera and suggesting that one night, the writers should sneak away to an undisclosed location for a drink. Good luck with that, hon. Marty suggests an underground novel reading and pit-bull fight.
How much do you want to bet he and the station receive letters from people about this? Oh wait...I think the contestants and their friends and families may be the only ones watching.
The Parasite takes us back to several quick shots of the writers at their keyboards, and there's Gayleen getting down with her bad self. The transition here is from the excitement of the challenges and post-challenge antics to the serious night's work of writing. This was a major part of the weekend. Really, most of the work was done in those hours between being hassled and sleeping.
Marty and Rebecca are not slipping back into it, so we see Rebecca teaching Marty to juggle. This is very sweet stuff. This is why I tune in. She's really good at explaining it, and he's picking it up pretty good for a guy who's just starting.
The Parasite seems to disagree, advising him to keep his day job. Shut up, scab they hired so as to not pay Rachel to do the rest of her job as the host. Grrrrr.
Seth: (as Peter) Woah, what the hell? That is not cool? What'd he do?
That's it.
(shoots Seth MacFarlane in the face, body drops)
I'm sorry about that. It was a bad idea having him here. I know you'll miss new episodes of Family Guy. I will too. I really do like it. Don't worry though, Harvard will spit out a new douchebag soon. It used to be a great school. Now it's a factory for funny douchebags.
Anyway.
Now it's the voyeur cam. Nothing creepy about filming people sleeping with a low-light lens. Seriously, that's just weird.
We see a printer in the throes of a serious technical malfunction. If memory serves, this malfunction was one of many, and the writers had taken to printing hard copy regularly because none of them trusted the servers at all.
Gayleen asks the crew what it would take, financially, for them to turn their heads while the writers go Office Space on the printer. Oh Gayleen, we've been through this so many times, me and you. That is a long term solution to a short term problem. But you're sleep deprived, and so are the other worried people agreeing with you. The cameraman points out, and rightfully so, that he'd be pretty remiss not filming that.
Marty asks what the odds are on somebody throwing a rampage, and from the look in his eyes it appears it may be time for him to put down the pen and kill again. He pulls back his Dark Passenger, and says solemnly that he will trust that whatever pages he's written will remain on the system should it crash. it sounds like a threat.
One by one, we are informed, the writers head to bed, save Rebecca, who, being a supergenius, steals her mattress and takes it into the tent. As near as I can tell, aside from Lorna, who is crashing in a hotel this night, she now has the best shot at restful sleep. She is in a darkened, zipped tent with a good mattress and nobody snoring. Turning your disadvantages into advantages is the sign of a wise warrior.
She is surely savvy enough to have figured this out. She suggests she should roast marshmallows. I'd have loved that.
And now the first commercial break is up. A word on that. Is it just me or, demographically speaking, is this show aimed at women between 40-60 exclusively. I haven't heard a record scratch or anyone using the word "extreme" yet. Hmm.
Seth MacFarlane's body is rotting, by the way, much faster than you'd expect. There's very little smell, though. It's almost like some supernatural force has kept him alive for far longer than the natural lifespan he should have had. Like the last couple of years of his life have been a little sub-par. Almost as if he were exchanging quality for quantity. Like the Simpsons, for just one example.
But back to the show, it's Sunday a.m. and the writers are being observed as they wake up. Gordon makes his way to the keys and he is so exhausted that I can't even enjoy seeing him this way. I worried about Gordon that weekend. He slept the least, and with his partial paralysis, needs to pay attention to things like where his feet are as he walks. He doesn't have the automatic feedback that most people have and can seriously injure himself. I did not want this to happen. He is my friend.
We cut to Jennifer, who has no makeup on right now, though she is in some stylish workout clothes. No jumping rope this morning though.
Ghostly voice of Seth: (as ghostly voice of Peter) I missed seeing this chick skip rope? What a rip.
Begone unclean spirit, the power of Christ compels you.
Ghostly voice of Seth: (as Stewie) You've not heard the last of us, priestly one. (unearthly scream of the banished damned)
Anyway, god love her, Jennifer does not want to be seen sans makeup and has brought a blue feathered mask to conceal her shame. She wears this all the way to the bathroom. No wonder she and Gayleen get along so well. They are crazy in very similar ways
Matthew is interviewed from bed, and discussing how he can't believe there are two more days, and that bedtime that night seems very far away.
Marty is also filmed in bed, and is about as happy as I'd be. See, people, you made fun of her for bringing a tent, but who's laughing now? Nobody. Nobody is laughing now. Sleep deprivation has no winners and losers, just sufferers, and you are all starting to suffer.
Marty is wearing a t-shirt with a CBC logo on it. If this was an American show, they'd digitally blur that logo. This is Canada, we're classier than that.
"And then," the Parasite says, "There are people like Nancy."
Nancy is bright eyed, you might say manic, and bushy tailed. She is well-rested and cheerful, and if I were Matthew, and had just taken that long to find and pick up my own clothing for the day, I'd be inclined to bash her brains in with a chair. Morning people are creepy and weird. Of course, she saved some time by not worrying extensively about her personal hygiene. This is not a cheap shot. She bragged to some of the other contestants about how she didn't need to shower. Her mother, apparently, her MOTHER, once gave her this sage advice, "You've got to wash the tits, pits, and slits." Stay classy, crazy hellcat librarian lady. I wish they'd got THAT on film and aired it. They did not. She tells us that at home she is woken up by any teeny noise, but here, sleeping in a storeroom with 11 other wacko people she didn't hear a thing.
Other wacko people is the best way to phrase that.
James is now giving us a small lesson in "earplugging". The secret he says is to first roll them between thumb and index finger, "gently, like a lover, and then squeeze them into the orifices. Again, gently, like a lover."
I am concerned at the state of sex education in Britain. That's all I am saying. Maybe they teach "earplugging" as a safe sex alternative, like chastity and butt sex.
Lorna is well rested after her night in the hotel and looking forward to getting a lot of work. Rebecca too, as predicted by me, had a great night sleep in a relative way.
Now we're in the ladies' room with the camera crew. Rebecca, Gayleen and Tracy are at the mirror. Tracy wishes the crew dead with her eyes and says, "Oh hey, it's you." Gayleen laughs because she knows that these confrontations are priceless. You need to know Tracy is not kidding. For a chick what signed up for this it seems she had no understanding that this was going to be on TV and she pretty much resented the cameras a lot.
Tracy asks Gayleen if she stayed up all night writing, and she did not. She was up until about four. Rebecca says something I absolutely cannot hear. The audio in this scene is really rough for some reason. Maybe it's the running water, or maybe the camera man was keeping his distance because Tracy looks as though she could honestly go feral right now. And this chick has lived on the streets, she could probably fuck a body up.
Tracy says to the camera guy, "I thought you weren't allowed in the bathrooms. Seriously."
"They're allowed in the bathrooms," Gayleen says. "I think they're not allowed in the stalls or something." You think? Or something. I'd like to interview past Gayleen and have her elucidate on her train of thought.
Past Gayleen: What? What do you want?
Uh. Nothing. You just finish putting on your makeup.
Past Gayleen: Are you sure? Because I'd love to talk. Really. I have nothing better to do as I try desperately to write a freaking book with a camera up my nose. I'd love to just sit here and….
No, really, it's okay.
Ghostly voice of Seth: (as Stewie) No, no, I'm just messing with you. The afterlife is pretty neat. This whole haunting the living thing is…well…it's no substitute for killing Lois, but it's great. It's great.
(facepalm) This is so out of hand. Wait a second. I have a dose of a freaky ghost. I'd think I d' better call…
(door smashes open and proton accelerators are brandished. Spengler, Stantz, Venkman and Zeddemore fire multicoloured streams of light at the hovering presence and after a very expensive moment, the threat has passed)
Thanks.
Stantz: No need to thank us sir. We're professionals.
Venkman: Will that be cash or Visa?
I'll get back to you on that later.
Anyway, back in the ladies' room Tracy says she can't believe she slept almost ten hours. For a moment Gayleen proceeds with her ablutions, and then stops. "I just processed that," she says, "You did what now?"
Apparently Tracy feels good. I bet. I can't say this enough, if you are playing the home game, do not skimp on sleep. Seriously.
Gayleen explains that her worst fear was that she'd be woken up by the camera crew ten minutes before a challenge at ten in the morning. Tracy offers that they might take the challenge right to her bed. "Write, monkey, write!" She gets it.
Gayleen asks what would happen if you didn't show up for a challenge. It's a good question. Nobody tested it. Tracy brushes theatrically for the camera, annoyed and then tells them to get out because she has to pee.
Having established the scene the writers are asked about their writing. Paul has made good progress but is still a little behind where he'd like to be. Gordon has crossed 10,000 and things are flowing. Then we cut to Matthew.
Matthew's outline is a series of stick figure cartoons describing each chapter. It is a ridiculously wasteful use of the allowed outline space, but I love him to tiny bits. I have rarely laughed so hard at any of the surprises I've had.
Lorna's goal was to write three of her nine planned parts each day, and she is just shy of her goal.
Back to Matthew, he's talking about how he's writing a book about surviving members of sets of twins, so he's had to come up with a lot of deaths. This has been a challenge for him. Apparently he has never worked retail. I spent years planning so many. So very many, and wishing so many more. Anyway, he had finally decided on a diving accident for this one death and accidentally typed "dining accident". Naturally, when fate throws you a fish like that, you snap it from the air with your pointy snout and chirp for another. Also, I'm a dolphin now.
Gordon slept off an on for two to three hours. I think that's a generous estimate. He feels like the book is a monster hanging over his head.
And now we're in the commercial break. I'm sorry, Dr. Venkman. Thanks for waiting. Here's my card.
Declined? What happens now?
(Spengler looks to his colleagues and they go for a conference in the corner)
And we're back from that break.
We start with a confessional from Tracy. I pause the video and go get some popcorn. This should be legend...wait for it...ary.
What was that? I don't quote Barney from How I Met Your Mother, and even if I did that's like two seasons ago, that catchphrase. What have you done to me?
Venkman: Nobody stiffs the Ghostbusters.
(Ghostbusters leave)
Uh-oh. Anyhow. Oh look there's Marty and we're back to Tracy who is apologizing to the cameramen and crew. Marty is beginning to tire of the spectators, but trying not to be mean about it. Oh, look it's James.
James is telling us this is the first weekend since he was 12 that he has been sober the whole time. Huh.
Back to Marty, who is suffering for his local fame a little.
Now James is holding up his "shaking" hand. Then he says, "Thank you Book Television". Excellent piece of deadpan humour/confession from the darkest heart of the soul.
Tracy now is apologizing in advance for tomorrow. Heh.
Paul is browsing book titles for inspiration, and he returns to his desk with "A Great Deliverance" and "Fiasco", his two possibilities for the day.
And now we're into a challenge. There's host Rachel, who I've seen naked.
(head shake)
Okay, that was weird, I haven't quoted that catchphrase in 20 years. But seriously, I have seen her naked. In Chatelaine magazine, of all places. I swear I only read it for the articles. It always freaks me out when I'm reading a magazine and I see someone that I know completely nude. After that pictorial of my Mom and all my great aunts, you'd think I'd have learned. Sadly no.
Rachel asks the poor bastards how they are. They mumble as a group. What happened to the cheerful, enthusiastic crowd from yesterday? Ha! We are introduced to Melissa, the new judge for the day, and Rachel tells them not to think the day will go any better because Faust is gone. Well, for my part, it's nicer to look at anyhow.
The challenge for the day is, in 3 minutes, to write a love scene. Oh dear god, this is the cruelest challenge ever. Did they have to spring it as the first challenge out of the gate with a chick judge.
This is more sexist that the swimsuit competition for the "Lady Nobel" the year Marie Curie won for being so very slim.
Oh God. Oh Jesus no.
Back to the show, the winner is supposed to receive a website designed by book TV. Marty points out that Paul has an advantage as he has "The Idiot's Guide to Writing Erotic Romance". This is hilarious and true.
Melissa gives her criteria, explaining that she is not looking for letters to Penthouse. Rachel says she wouldn't mind. Neither would I. I am totally looking for letters to penthouse. Send them to me at letterstopenthouse@fishclock.ca.
Best letter wins the prize nobody claimed last week.
And 3…2…1…infuriating quick cuts… and stop.
Gayleen is first off, and that love scene is not from her book I can tell you. Her book is entirely about dudes and was, at that time, sex free. It's not badly written, but her heart is not in this. She does not embarrass herself, though she did run howling from the room like a banshee when we watched it.
Marty's (what we hear of it) is short and sweet, but not evocative of passion or strong feeling. He is very uncomfortable reading it, too.
Jennifer's is a romance novel, as it happens, so…well. It's not so good, though again, we're only seeing excerpts.
James' is not a love scene. Again, he and I are kindred spirits. He avoided the contest here by making it a sort of non-love scene. A scene about love scenes. It's a viable way to take it. Three minutes is not enough time to be sure you're going to get it right. A bad love scene is excruciating and totally embarrassing in a way you can tend to duck with most other kinds of writing.
Paul's is dirty. A woman has a kissable puss. This is a comedy, and as such, he's playing it for laughs. His has an actual song in it. Which he sings. Badly. It's a hoot.
Matthew comes out of nowhere with a gay love scene that is both tender and hot without being explicit or gross. I am proud of him for having the guts to do that on TV, and for doing it so damned well.
Nancy's is just crude. "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours." Seriously. Are you Robert Heinlein in a wig? Really? That was less romantic than that romantic comedy starring Sigourney Weaver and Billy Bob Thornton as registered sex offenders on a work release program in Alabama.
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
Gordon's love scene is between a kidnapper and his victim. Again, I can see going there. Again, not a love scene.
Joe's is very short, and seems, from what we see, to focus on love at a distance.
Rebecca's is also short, and very sweet. Not in the least embarrassing. I think in this contest she's a front runner.
We close on Paul finishing his song. Once again Lorna get's no screen time here, nor Tracy. What is the deal with that. Lorna is fucking absent from this show. Why? God knows she's photogenic. I know she might not be the most outgoing person on the show, but she's not the least outgoing. It's baffling. I love you, Lorna, for what that's worth.
Melissa breaks down the losers, saying that everyone did a good job under pressure. Gordon and Jennifer hit the bottom two. Melissa spanks Gordon for being funny but ducking the contest, which he did. Also, I think she's totally correct in pointing out this is non-consensual and therefore creepy. Jennifer she spanks for using the word supple three times in one paragraph. That is too many times. Of course, thanks to the editing, WE DIDN'T SEE THAT. It's not a reason for her to be spared, but it does FEEL like she's being punished for no reason. Jeez. Get with it. If it's important later, don't cut the damned footage. Jennifer is singled out to receive the punishment.
Marty asks when Faust is coming back. Everybody laughs. Good Joke. Not really a joke. Ha. Ha.
The top three are Marty, Matthew and James, and James is eliminated for ducking the game, and Marty for not having the erotic side. Matthew wins it. YES!
And we see Matthew and Jennifer side by side. Rachel asks Jennifer how she feels being a loser. Nice. Jennifer says she stands by her work. Don't. Supple. Three times. One paragraph. Take your medicine. We've all done something that bad. I once wrote a paragraph with the word "pricy" in it seven times. It's okay to be wrong.
Now they're asking Melissa how she felt judging people. Nobody asked Faust that. That's because he has a penis, and it's expected that he doesn't care. Melissa explains that it's hard to do it, as her usual role as an organizer of the contest is to be supportive. Sigh. I know it's true, and she's just being honest, but I find this whole segment really patronizing. "It's hard for women to be aggressive and make decisions, that's why we pay them less."
I respect the shit out of this woman, why the romance challenge and then THIS. Grr. Sexism.
Back to the contestants, Matthew is doing well being light and glib. Rachel asks him if writing the scenes is embarrassing, awkward, does it turn him on? I love Rachel. She's a superfreak, the kind you don't take home to mother. So many people would just be so bland in her shoes. She has fun. Matthew laughs that off and says that every good novel needs a love scene. Like Judgement at Nuremberg.
Okay he doesn't say that. I do.
But hey, at least nobody wrote a scene in which a strong confident woman is raped by an architect and immediately falls in love with him. Unlike Ayn Rand.
I wish that woman was alive again just so I could murder her.
Ghost of Seth: (as Brian) Wow, you really have some anger management issues. All you seem to talk about is murder, and then there was the whole, you know, actually murdering us thing. I don't think I want to be in your head pulling your strings. It's dark in there, man.
You think I don't know that? You think I don't lay awake nights waiting for my own inner voices to stop screaming?
Ghost of Seth: Wow, is that the time….
Fine! Leave me. Leave me like they all leave me, you bastard. Who needs you! Not me.
(sobs through next week previews, which show a spelling bee to be imminent. I like spelling bees. Can I play? No. Nobody plays with you. You're worthless. You're worthless and nobody will ever love you.)
And in the credits we see Gordon complaining about how he was profiled in Reader's Digest with his wife and dog, and twice over the next month people walked up to him because they recognized the dog.
Well, man, what can I say. You're great and all, but people love dogs.
Hang on a sec...
I'm working on the cap as we speak. I've had one of those stupid busy weeks, and only watched the show last night. By tonight, I promise.
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