Episode 7 was filmed months later. It was filmed in edmonton as a one hour live studio production. Live to tape, obviously. It was designed to be an hour long show. it was, therefore, set up for that. The judges at the front. The host to m/c everything. The contestants all seated together on one wall, and those of us in the audience, having signed our non-disclosure agreements, watching the show.
When I realized that the final episode was a half hour long, I knew it was going to be stupid beyond measure.
This is, therefore going to be a very short recap. I have no choice. There's actually not much to say. it's a lot of talking heads, mostly.
But let's try.
The show begins with the single laziest thing I have ever seen. They use the full introduction used at the beginning of the first episode. Scene for scene. Line for line. They don't edit anything new for this. Why bother? Assholes.
They then, for no reason I can determine, create a NEW CREDIT SEQUENCE! Not for everyone, just some. WHY?
Rachel welcomes us to the finale. Rachel is a gorgeous woman, but here, she looks like boiled ass. It is not at all easy to make Rachel look like boiled ass. Had the makeup people never put makeup on a black person before? Here's a tip: they aren't green.
She explains they will pick three short-listers and then a winner. Before that, she wants to describe the prizes. The winner will receive publication of their novel in Westword, the magazine of the Alberta Writer's Guild. They will also win an artist's retreat in Banff, and five thousand dollars.
Looking at the cast behind Rachel I see several things. James is covering his genitals with his hands. Paul looks as though he is ready to puke, and Tracy is looking in her lap. It was a very tense hour. You don't get to see too much of that here, but i'll grab what I can for you.
Rachel says we'll hear the judges' critical reviews, whittle it down to three and go from there. That is not what happened.
before we go any further, she wants to talk to the judges. First up is Melissa. She says the writers have done well, and that it was good for her to see the writing first hand as she's often quite isolated from the process.
Minister Faust, who is, at least, funny is asked what he thought. He says it was the worst he's seen yet, and doesn't know why some of these people bother. he says there were a few gems that rose to the top of the toilet and that's what they'll talk about today. That's a crowd pleaser.
Todd is asked about common strengths and weaknesses. he says it's painful to read them because the way they're written is very naked. They are very close to who the person is, and no time to chip them into art. So it's hard to read them as a critic.
Each of the judges compiled their own shortlist. Rachel asks them how they did that. Faust says he employed logical means and came to the accurate judgings, and hopefully the other judges will conform to his. Again, all laugh.
The other judges do not get to speak.
Rachel tells us that after the break we'll see the first critical review. Already the seams are showing.
Rachel welcomes us back. She is interviewing James, to see what he's done since the contest. He wrote a sequel to his book, also over three days. And, he tells us, it was much easier without the cameras and Faust to mess with him.
The other writers do not speak. There's no time. They decide to play all twelve critical reviews back to back. This is not how it went down live. And so, from this point on, we do not see the studio for about 15 minutes. Because it would not make sense. At all.
I don't have the stomach to recap them in detail, and they were edited oddly anyway. Hence the shortness of the recap.
In summary, Faust is a softie. He likes the books, on the whole, considerably better that the rest of the judges. Melissa turns out to be the harshest, and Todd is sort of amiable but not insightful.
Some of the writers are not treated very nicely. Most are. I find most of the commentaries to be fair, but edited out of context, you may or may not agree.
When the whole shooting match, all twelve are over, we cut to a commercial and come back to find out who won.
We see the coveted trophy, the Parasite says. It is, by the way, an obelisk, not a trophy, per se. He then says the judges have chosen a short list of three and the winner is about to be chosen.
We cut, I shit you not to a shot of Matthew, Paul and Gayleen standing up, with NO PRIOR DISCUSSION of the shortlist. We are told this is exciting.
Gayleen is the winner. The crowd goes wild. She hugs the other shortlisters.
Now look. I am delighted she won. She almost certainly deserved to, but Jesus fuck, how shitty is their treatment of Matthew and Paul. Do they not deserve some discussion here?
It's not just bad, it's lazy and incompetent. It's one of the most boring half hours ever shown on TV.
The way it went live was so much better. The review was done. The contestants responded, and then they were either shortlisted or not. The shortlisters sat on stools at the side. All alone.
Gayleen was the second review, and the first to be shortlisted. She was alone there for a LONG time. During the commercial breaks she ran back to the flock like a scared duckling. It was adorable. Then, I think came Paul, and the two of them clung to each other, again, running back during the breaks.
It was fascinating to see the writers react to the reviews and the tension was amazing.
All gone.
Sigh.
It was really well done.
Cutting it to a half an hour made it really easy for the fucktards. Slap the intro from episode one, have a little intro. Do all the reviews, pre-filmed and ready, and then jump to the winner. They then make a montage of Gayleen clips. ALL of them we have seen before. Why look at the rest of the footage for anything? Why show us anything new? It's nicely edited, but it's all so… needless and packaged.
Everybody hugs and the credits roll, and I am reminded how much I miss these people. It is nice to see how long and how genuinely Gordon hugs her. It is more moving and interesting than the rest of the episode.
I am enormously proud of Gayleen, and of course she knows that. Know also, other contestants, that no matter what I said about you in these caps, I number you among my tribe. You did an amazing thing, and my anger is directed at the people who did not care about the show at all. The bean counters and lackeys left to finish an artist's job with the least amount of effort possible.
You were done a disservice, and you were so much more entertaining and involving than the show you wound up in.
Thanks.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
Episode 6: Save your time. Read a book.
So, before I get into this, I should say I watched episode seven first. This episode can't be much worse than the last one, so for me this is going to be a walk in the park. No, I kid, this will be a hell walk. See, my theory, and it's only a theory is this: the lazy assholes responsible for cutting the episodes for air in a half hour format took advantage of the fact that an actually competent team had already completed the first few episodes. So they more or less just cut them up. Then they had to do some work. This can be one of only a few reasons why they would give Friday night nearly a full episode, and then a bunch of time to Saturday and Sunday, leaving, in the end, one episode to deal with Monday.
Of course, you realize that's ridiculous. Monday was the home stretch, and the day when the competitors really let loose, started expressing themselves. It's when MOST of the real moments happened. So they have to cram that all into like 24 minutes, and show at least one of the challenges under Todd Babiak. I happen to know they show, instead, all three of his challenges.
So, this is going to be, as I said, a hell walk.
Last week blurb is obsessed with page count and the spelling bee. They recount the prize and the failure. And once again, I'm struck by how wasteful the reality format can be. Two minutes on a recap.
And we're into the credits.
It's Monday morning and we're straight into a challenge. Rachel introduces Todd, who looks profoundly uncomfortable in front of a camera. Todd is a little condescending to the contestants/viewers of BOOK TELEVISION as he explains what a story is, and how it works. Anyway, they have to write a piece that illuminates a character. They get five full minutes.
The winner receives transcription. No explanation of what they mean by THAT, though. Because they are short on time, and Todd's explanation to us that a story consists of characters and obstacles was TV gold. What they meant was that the winner would get one of those voice recorders and could dictate their novel for an hour or so. Not a prize. Find me a writer in twenty who would want to work that way. I'll wait….
See.
No word on the punishment. And cue the camera moves.
5 4 3 2 1. Pens down, please
Gordon starts off, and the character he;s describing is a dog. He loves dogs, and I am an idiot about dogs. I'm disqualified from discussing his fuzzy protagonist. Yes I am! Yes, I am!
Jennifer's is about a bridal fair again. Didn't she use this bit already. I don't know how much character is being revealed here, as they only give her about twenty damned words.
James' likewise, is too short for any indication of quality, but damn he is pretty to look at.
Marty's is okay, but cliched, but they give him a full paragraph to do his work.
Joe gets the first bleep of the show! Yay! I remember this part. Hers begins with "Fuck off bulldyke!" and ends with that bulldyke leaving with a hot chick. Sadly we ditch before that part. Still, at least it grabs attention.
Lorna's is too short to say anything about anything. Same with Nancy's.
Rebecca's is colourful and is about a clown. It's pretty good, but again, we don't get much.
Gayleen's is edited so that we have no sense of context or who's speaking. Same with Matthew's and Tracy's. Except Tracy's gets to shoot some people.
Paul is vibrant, and his book is still insane. I'm glad they give him some time to play.
Todd picks the bottom two. Tracy and James. He thinks they ducked the assignment, in that they didn't write character pieces, so much as set pieces. James is loser this time and "must go do some writing". No explanation. At all. Because who cares?
Top three are Marty, Joe and Paul. Fair enough. Marty shows his character's inner conflict. Joe revealed the pride in hers. Paul's was comedic but was all about desire and the want to win. And nazis. Paul takes it. Now, he might actually benefit from transcription. Who knows.
Now Rachel says she hears two people have already finished their novels. Record scratch. We saw Joe do that last episode. No camera love for our second? Gordon? Dude. I'm sorry. That blows.
After the break, another challenge. Yay. Who needs to see the actual contest part? The challenges are all together in a convenient, easy to slap together package, and three should use up the whole sixth episode. Then, all we have to do is butcher the seventh episode which was shot live on the floor and we're done, and can go snort meth off our girlfriends and try to forget we were ever given this shitty editing job. Who wants to watch writers, or anything filmed in Edmonton. Please.
And we're back from the break, and it's probably good I'm already locked up for my rage issues.
It's the Monday afternoon challenge. They're split into teams to solve a crossword. How do they justify this, exactly, Todd? Oh, they're testing knowledge and intelligence. Great. Sure. We'll go with that. The winner gets an accutonic massage. That sounds like wank, and a waste of time. The losers have to read to children. Of course, they won't show that. Though they do chastise Joe for swearing.
And there's salsa music for some reason as we watch them work. I happen to know Gayleen is a crossword wizard. The camera follows Todd as he heckles them in his soft-spoken milquetoast way. We see a shot of Gayleen hating the process. Her team wins. No surprise there. And the contest crawls on. Who will be the last to finish. And it's mercifully over. I have no idea who was on the teams, and I don't care enough to look.
Oh look, Marty is asking Todd to autograph The Book of Stanley. Unless the inscription is, "I'm so sorry." It's not right. I kid. It's a good book. Todd insists that sucking up does work. Oh look, they're plugging the book.
And now Gayleen is face down in a massage chair. All we can see is her nose and mouth. The camera person asks how she's feeling, and she laughs the mirthless laugh of the damned, and says she has an overwhelming sense of the ridiculous. And rightly so. Accutonics is stupid. There. I said it. But she's not actually saying that. She's finding it actually relaxing. It turns out she finished about an hour ago, and is feeling good. She intends to do an edit and see what happens.
Lorna also liked the massage, and felt "crazy mellow" afterward. Matthew too. We see him and Rebecca talking briefly. Savour it kids, it's one of the few pieces of human contact in the show. She says he looks good, and he is all like, "I know, right?"
Gordon, who has finished, sends Rebecca and Jennifer back to their book, and reads to the kids. That's a nice thing to do, and he's a big bear of a daddy type, so I bet he rocks at it. Tate announces that Gordon will be reading. He decides to read the book of Puff the Magic Dragon. He is a hippie, and he is pretty good with the kids. It's a pop-up. This is sweet, but I want more stuff.
We see Gayleen raise her novel over her head. Then she admits it's a novella, but they're calling it a novel! Good girl!
Someone says it looks like the weight of the world has been lifted off her shoulders. She says it feels awesome. I think this is out of sequence, but what the hell do I know. I started drinking an hour ago. I barely recognize these people now. G says she thought she'd be writing into the late evening with a n hour for edits, so she's glad and says she doesn't care about the challenges. More on this in a few minutes.
We see Paul finish. He is pretty happy. It's an extremely silly story. He lies on the floor, and Mary and one of the crew hand him stuffies. Then Marty lies down and spoons with him. Hey James, you're off the hook with the whole erotic fan fiction thing now.
They ask Marty what his greatest memory will be and he says spooning Paul Matwychuck. Paul calls him a very affectionate man. More spooning.
Marty is asked if there will be any long lasting relationships formed as a result of the weekend, and Marty says he and Paul will get together and spoon. Again, James, this writes itself.
James is finished, save editing, and he looks happy and relieved, but also pensive as he gets up and takes a victory lap around the store.
Marty finishes and does a slo-mo run across the finish line.
Into the break, we are coming back to another fucking challenge. Dammit.
Now this challenge had one of the only moments of drama, and I am sort of ken to see what happens. it was genuinely tense at the end. We'll see. they are given three minutes to write a dream ending to a novel.
Todd says that what you leave your reader with is key.
You'll notice they don't have a penalty this time. They paint it as benevolence. In fact the writers simply said to Tate they wouldn't do one. it wasn't fair with half of them finished. So they relented. No mention of that, of course.
The winner receives and introduction to an agent.
Cue the camera jerking.
Joe's is actually a pretty good way to stop a book. Gordon's is interrupted. Way to go editor.
Rebecca's is so quiet I can barely hear it.
James' is well read, but cut in the middle. Marty's is weird out of context, and he is exhausted, and I think, not into this.
Paul's is an excerpt from a theatre review. It's a wonderful concept for his book, and well written.
Tracy's rhymes. And is not good. I want to go back in time and tell her this, but I can't. Happily, it's short.
Jennifer's is strong.
We skip four people. One of them is Gayleen.
She refused to do it. They asked her why and she told them, essentially, that an ending is a reward to the reader for going through a book. it's part of the compact between author and writer, and she wasn't about to trivialize it.
Todd was stunned, and babbled and then they went on. You see no trace of that here. They cut the whole thing out. I'm not sure why the rest were done. Todd does seem a bit flustered.
Lorna and Matthew's felt endingy, he says. James' was passionate in second. Todd picks Paul as the winner of the contest. He is good in these things.
Rebecca, Jennifer and Matthew write to the last second.
We see them pose for a cast photo and that's it. See you next week to find out who won.
We don't see Nancy burst into tears when she finishes. We don't see Gordon, Nancy and Gayleen drunkenly discussing the famous writers they don't like. We don't get to see Marty threaten to run naked through the store and defile the books.
Monday was the day they all became real friends. How boring, I suppose.
Marty shows his book, and safety copies, joking that his book is 300 pages long. Nancy says the experience was phenomenal. Rebecca wishes she had a few more days to work on hers…but not in the store. Joe says it was an exciting weekend.
Over the credits Rebecca says she's never finished a book before. She's an author now. it's a sweet feeling ennit? Nancy says a lot of the weekend was about the people. Marty is asked how his book is. He explains it's crap but he bribed Todd Babiak.
Lazy. Lazy. Wasted opportunity.
Good thing the cast is so likeable.
Of course, you realize that's ridiculous. Monday was the home stretch, and the day when the competitors really let loose, started expressing themselves. It's when MOST of the real moments happened. So they have to cram that all into like 24 minutes, and show at least one of the challenges under Todd Babiak. I happen to know they show, instead, all three of his challenges.
So, this is going to be, as I said, a hell walk.
Last week blurb is obsessed with page count and the spelling bee. They recount the prize and the failure. And once again, I'm struck by how wasteful the reality format can be. Two minutes on a recap.
And we're into the credits.
It's Monday morning and we're straight into a challenge. Rachel introduces Todd, who looks profoundly uncomfortable in front of a camera. Todd is a little condescending to the contestants/viewers of BOOK TELEVISION as he explains what a story is, and how it works. Anyway, they have to write a piece that illuminates a character. They get five full minutes.
The winner receives transcription. No explanation of what they mean by THAT, though. Because they are short on time, and Todd's explanation to us that a story consists of characters and obstacles was TV gold. What they meant was that the winner would get one of those voice recorders and could dictate their novel for an hour or so. Not a prize. Find me a writer in twenty who would want to work that way. I'll wait….
See.
No word on the punishment. And cue the camera moves.
5 4 3 2 1. Pens down, please
Gordon starts off, and the character he;s describing is a dog. He loves dogs, and I am an idiot about dogs. I'm disqualified from discussing his fuzzy protagonist. Yes I am! Yes, I am!
Jennifer's is about a bridal fair again. Didn't she use this bit already. I don't know how much character is being revealed here, as they only give her about twenty damned words.
James' likewise, is too short for any indication of quality, but damn he is pretty to look at.
Marty's is okay, but cliched, but they give him a full paragraph to do his work.
Joe gets the first bleep of the show! Yay! I remember this part. Hers begins with "Fuck off bulldyke!" and ends with that bulldyke leaving with a hot chick. Sadly we ditch before that part. Still, at least it grabs attention.
Lorna's is too short to say anything about anything. Same with Nancy's.
Rebecca's is colourful and is about a clown. It's pretty good, but again, we don't get much.
Gayleen's is edited so that we have no sense of context or who's speaking. Same with Matthew's and Tracy's. Except Tracy's gets to shoot some people.
Paul is vibrant, and his book is still insane. I'm glad they give him some time to play.
Todd picks the bottom two. Tracy and James. He thinks they ducked the assignment, in that they didn't write character pieces, so much as set pieces. James is loser this time and "must go do some writing". No explanation. At all. Because who cares?
Top three are Marty, Joe and Paul. Fair enough. Marty shows his character's inner conflict. Joe revealed the pride in hers. Paul's was comedic but was all about desire and the want to win. And nazis. Paul takes it. Now, he might actually benefit from transcription. Who knows.
Now Rachel says she hears two people have already finished their novels. Record scratch. We saw Joe do that last episode. No camera love for our second? Gordon? Dude. I'm sorry. That blows.
After the break, another challenge. Yay. Who needs to see the actual contest part? The challenges are all together in a convenient, easy to slap together package, and three should use up the whole sixth episode. Then, all we have to do is butcher the seventh episode which was shot live on the floor and we're done, and can go snort meth off our girlfriends and try to forget we were ever given this shitty editing job. Who wants to watch writers, or anything filmed in Edmonton. Please.
And we're back from the break, and it's probably good I'm already locked up for my rage issues.
It's the Monday afternoon challenge. They're split into teams to solve a crossword. How do they justify this, exactly, Todd? Oh, they're testing knowledge and intelligence. Great. Sure. We'll go with that. The winner gets an accutonic massage. That sounds like wank, and a waste of time. The losers have to read to children. Of course, they won't show that. Though they do chastise Joe for swearing.
And there's salsa music for some reason as we watch them work. I happen to know Gayleen is a crossword wizard. The camera follows Todd as he heckles them in his soft-spoken milquetoast way. We see a shot of Gayleen hating the process. Her team wins. No surprise there. And the contest crawls on. Who will be the last to finish. And it's mercifully over. I have no idea who was on the teams, and I don't care enough to look.
Oh look, Marty is asking Todd to autograph The Book of Stanley. Unless the inscription is, "I'm so sorry." It's not right. I kid. It's a good book. Todd insists that sucking up does work. Oh look, they're plugging the book.
And now Gayleen is face down in a massage chair. All we can see is her nose and mouth. The camera person asks how she's feeling, and she laughs the mirthless laugh of the damned, and says she has an overwhelming sense of the ridiculous. And rightly so. Accutonics is stupid. There. I said it. But she's not actually saying that. She's finding it actually relaxing. It turns out she finished about an hour ago, and is feeling good. She intends to do an edit and see what happens.
Lorna also liked the massage, and felt "crazy mellow" afterward. Matthew too. We see him and Rebecca talking briefly. Savour it kids, it's one of the few pieces of human contact in the show. She says he looks good, and he is all like, "I know, right?"
Gordon, who has finished, sends Rebecca and Jennifer back to their book, and reads to the kids. That's a nice thing to do, and he's a big bear of a daddy type, so I bet he rocks at it. Tate announces that Gordon will be reading. He decides to read the book of Puff the Magic Dragon. He is a hippie, and he is pretty good with the kids. It's a pop-up. This is sweet, but I want more stuff.
We see Gayleen raise her novel over her head. Then she admits it's a novella, but they're calling it a novel! Good girl!
Someone says it looks like the weight of the world has been lifted off her shoulders. She says it feels awesome. I think this is out of sequence, but what the hell do I know. I started drinking an hour ago. I barely recognize these people now. G says she thought she'd be writing into the late evening with a n hour for edits, so she's glad and says she doesn't care about the challenges. More on this in a few minutes.
We see Paul finish. He is pretty happy. It's an extremely silly story. He lies on the floor, and Mary and one of the crew hand him stuffies. Then Marty lies down and spoons with him. Hey James, you're off the hook with the whole erotic fan fiction thing now.
They ask Marty what his greatest memory will be and he says spooning Paul Matwychuck. Paul calls him a very affectionate man. More spooning.
Marty is asked if there will be any long lasting relationships formed as a result of the weekend, and Marty says he and Paul will get together and spoon. Again, James, this writes itself.
James is finished, save editing, and he looks happy and relieved, but also pensive as he gets up and takes a victory lap around the store.
Marty finishes and does a slo-mo run across the finish line.
Into the break, we are coming back to another fucking challenge. Dammit.
Now this challenge had one of the only moments of drama, and I am sort of ken to see what happens. it was genuinely tense at the end. We'll see. they are given three minutes to write a dream ending to a novel.
Todd says that what you leave your reader with is key.
You'll notice they don't have a penalty this time. They paint it as benevolence. In fact the writers simply said to Tate they wouldn't do one. it wasn't fair with half of them finished. So they relented. No mention of that, of course.
The winner receives and introduction to an agent.
Cue the camera jerking.
Joe's is actually a pretty good way to stop a book. Gordon's is interrupted. Way to go editor.
Rebecca's is so quiet I can barely hear it.
James' is well read, but cut in the middle. Marty's is weird out of context, and he is exhausted, and I think, not into this.
Paul's is an excerpt from a theatre review. It's a wonderful concept for his book, and well written.
Tracy's rhymes. And is not good. I want to go back in time and tell her this, but I can't. Happily, it's short.
Jennifer's is strong.
We skip four people. One of them is Gayleen.
She refused to do it. They asked her why and she told them, essentially, that an ending is a reward to the reader for going through a book. it's part of the compact between author and writer, and she wasn't about to trivialize it.
Todd was stunned, and babbled and then they went on. You see no trace of that here. They cut the whole thing out. I'm not sure why the rest were done. Todd does seem a bit flustered.
Lorna and Matthew's felt endingy, he says. James' was passionate in second. Todd picks Paul as the winner of the contest. He is good in these things.
Rebecca, Jennifer and Matthew write to the last second.
We see them pose for a cast photo and that's it. See you next week to find out who won.
We don't see Nancy burst into tears when she finishes. We don't see Gordon, Nancy and Gayleen drunkenly discussing the famous writers they don't like. We don't get to see Marty threaten to run naked through the store and defile the books.
Monday was the day they all became real friends. How boring, I suppose.
Marty shows his book, and safety copies, joking that his book is 300 pages long. Nancy says the experience was phenomenal. Rebecca wishes she had a few more days to work on hers…but not in the store. Joe says it was an exciting weekend.
Over the credits Rebecca says she's never finished a book before. She's an author now. it's a sweet feeling ennit? Nancy says a lot of the weekend was about the people. Marty is asked how his book is. He explains it's crap but he bribed Todd Babiak.
Lazy. Lazy. Wasted opportunity.
Good thing the cast is so likeable.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
caplet from jail
As you know, my official blog policy is that I have been arrested for the kidnapping and genital torture of George Lucas.
While "in prison" I received a DVD with the last 2 episodes on it.
They sucked.
Very very badly. And not just in an "I disagree with these choices" way. They sucked in an "Oh my God, what incompetent baboon thought this was an effectiveuse of time and footage" kind of way.
The last episode is a fucking travesty. A crime. A spit in the face of the people who participated. But I can't talk about it further until it airs.
If you think I've been too hard on the show, you'll want to stop reading now. I'm angry, and I'm offended, and I can't believe that people who call themselves professionals would do such a terrible job. I'm also pissed that a lot of good people have their names all over a final product that is so beneath them.
So, if you care about the show as much as I do, which is, apparently, ten thousand times more than the current regime at Book Television cares, don't get your hopes up.
It only gets worse.
While "in prison" I received a DVD with the last 2 episodes on it.
They sucked.
Very very badly. And not just in an "I disagree with these choices" way. They sucked in an "Oh my God, what incompetent baboon thought this was an effectiveuse of time and footage" kind of way.
The last episode is a fucking travesty. A crime. A spit in the face of the people who participated. But I can't talk about it further until it airs.
If you think I've been too hard on the show, you'll want to stop reading now. I'm angry, and I'm offended, and I can't believe that people who call themselves professionals would do such a terrible job. I'm also pissed that a lot of good people have their names all over a final product that is so beneath them.
So, if you care about the show as much as I do, which is, apparently, ten thousand times more than the current regime at Book Television cares, don't get your hopes up.
It only gets worse.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Epsiode 5: Not funny like last week
(Prelude)Ah, the innocent me that wrote the caplet. Rewatching the show made me realize that actually I hated this episode a little. I apologize, in advance, for going Woody Allen on you. This isn't one of my earlier, funny movies.
So, I'm sitting upstairs writing my novel this afternoon when I realize that I've forgotten to actually DO the recap this week. So I think to myself, I think, "Well, self, you should probably do that. I mean, sure nobody is watching the show, and sure nobody is reading your recaps because the first one was so toxic and hateful that it made the baby Jesus cry, and nobody on the show is even talking to you now, let alone reading, but you have an obligation to finish the things you start." So I went downstairs, and Gayleen and I imported the show from VHS to digital. It's sort of easier to work with it that way, stopping and starting as I need to, and taking the time to ruminate and meander. It's a whole process, really, and after the last week, I think I'm starting to actually get it.
Now, sitting here and getting down to it, I find myself thinking about that whole responsibility to finish what I start. I think that my decision to take the attitude is what made the difference between my just being a guy with lots of ideas and half-finished books to being a guy who finishes shit. These days I don't start a project without that promise.
My first novel, which still has no name I'm happy with, but which I'm calling Now England Sees, was worth that effort. So too, were my two three day novels. I did, however, write a whole 85,000 word novel last year that is, if I'm honest, just not any good at all. I knew it wasn't working. I hit the halfway point, and I kept on plunging through. For all kinds of reasons, it's not something I'll be going back to revise.
I don't regret it.
I learned some things about the ways in which I can do well and do poorly from the experience, and I'm not so sure I'd have learned that lesson if I'd aborted.
And now, even though I'm five episodes in, and still not at all certain if this was a success or a failure, I will finish what I start, dammit.
I did receive a letter to Penthouse by the way, as per last week's contest. Unfortunately, the letter is from a spambot offering excellent prices on prescription medication. So, I think that their primary goal was not to gratify me sexually. I admit to being mildly disappointed by that.
Still, on with the show.
We start with the last week in review. The Parasite lauds Marty for using his 300 dollars to buy the other writer's books. There is a tone in his voice that makes him sound like he's actually being a sarcastic cunt about the whole thing. Not for the first time, I find myself wanting to fight him. He also reminds us that Jennifer cleans in a fancy dress and that Rebecca slept in a tent.
He further reminds us that the new judge, Melissa is no pushover, and that she was not looking for letters to Penthouse. I was. I really was, and you people let me DOWN.
Which reminds me. I have another co-capper this week. It's my great pleasure to introduce you all to George Lucas.
George: It's my pleasure to be here.
George, you're responsible for three of the most culturally important films of our times, Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, and American Graffiti. You're also responsible for Return of the Jedi, and the Prequel trilogy. And Willow.
George: Um...
So, I've asked you here today for two reasons. First, because you know more than anyone the ways in which a creative person can have a runaway success, and then show again and again that they have nothing else to say. Secondly, I want to have you here with me, in this closed room to provide both rewards and punishments for the period of about half an hour.
George: Should this door be locked?
Yes. So we're into the credits again, and I find myself thinking of the opening scrolls we had in the prequel trilogy. Did you actually think they compared to the ones from the first two films?
George: Why is my cell phone not getting any bars?
Have you seen the movie Saw? Anyway…
Sunday afternoon is nigh, and the writers are sharing their word counts, which vary wildly. Marty bravely says, "Page count, who cares about page count?" He does. I'm fairly sure they all do. Rebecca and Paul seem to be experiencing some setbacks. Paul says the scene he's working on feels as if he's been writing it since his eighteenth birthday.
Actually, that's not so uncommon. Sometimes an artist's most vital creative work can be his early work, the work he's spent a life time preparing for. For example, in your case, George. Star Wars was such a fresh thing when it first came out. It owed a lot to the science fiction films of your youth but brought a kind of life and energy that had been long absent. Empire, the sequel, was a slightly deeper take, and much assisted by the fact that the actual screenplay was written by other parties based on your ideas. To many it's the perfect fusion of your imagination and something that is actually good. When it came time to make Episode 1: Attack of the Clones, whatever made you think your ideas were any good, and that you should write the screenplay?
George: You know, I don't understand why so many of you take this so personally…(breaks into incoherent screams as I taser him in the genitals)
Wrong answer.
Jennifer also hoped to be further along. Matthew is plugging along well, and Marty seems confident, as does Nancy. Rebecca, like Pollyanna, is determined to remain optimistic, no matter what may come to pass.
Marty explains to us that the first day was easy because it was Friday, and he write furiously from midnight to 1:30 and passed out, and that Saturday he got into a good rhythm. Rebecca feels as though she did well on Saturday but is running out of things to say. Jennifer experienced writer's block for the first time on late Saturday night. That's rough.
Nancy talks about how the beginning is an exciting time when writing a novel, and that when you get to the end, you are in that home stretch, and the goal is in sight. It's the middle that's hard, and that's where she is.
George, let me help you up. Don't worry. I won't zap you again as long as you act right. Let me ask you something. What was the reason you went back to the original trilogy and did the digital special editions?
George: I…I had visions of how I wanted it to be originally (sobs) and the effects weren't there…and…
I see. Did it occur to you that people loved what you'd done, and that by messing around with it you were soiling it and making it dirty?
George: No.
Well, at least that's honest.
The Parasite says, in a nonsensical response that apparently a novel can't be reduced to a page count, word count, beginning middle, and end.
Of course, that's just what the last segment showed. It can be. Novels are built that way, through the slow accumulation of pages over time. It's work, just like building a house, or slowly torturing a film director who took your childhood mythology and showed you that it was just product. Product like nylon hose, or anti-perspirant. Once you know that, you can't un-know it, and it forever changes how you take in art, and how you produce it.
There's a lot of talk about this person or that person who remakes a movie or revamps a TV show "raping my childhood". This notion that the past is this perfect place, and we should leave it alone. I don't agree. I think artists revisit their own work, and the work of others. Sometimes a remake is brilliant. The Fly (1956) is perfect the way it is, but The Fly (1986) is also a perfect little thing, both of them the unique child of unique parents.
But I can never lose sight of the fact that the things we write and watch are released, primarily, by corporations, and to these corporations they may as well be machine parts. They can be graded and taken apart and reassembled in new ways to make them more commercial, or to wring out that extra dime.
So, you see, I'm finding myself a little distressed at getting what I wanted here. If you'll recall, I wanted more talk on the process of writing, and what the writers were going through. On the other hand, I wanted more talk about the books itself, the characters that live there, the actual art of it. Instead we're focusing on them as nothing more than a word count, a page count, a beginning, middle, and end. And they can be reduced to that.
Of course, they're more than that too, if they work. I'd like to see some of that. But what can you do in twenty two minutes?
Increasingly, I'm aware these episodes were chopped nearly in half. They're product. Time filling Canadian content product, released only to get the CRTC off their backs because they were smacked for not releasing enough Canadian content, and hey don't we have a whole fucking show in the can?
George: Wow, that is pretty shitty. I mean, okay, I'll admit, maybe I was motivated by profit when I made the Special Editions, but at least I actually care about the movies. Star Wars is kind of my thing, you know. It's what I have.
Yeah. And it is YOURS. Which makes it a shame that you basically fucked it all up and have released edition after edition solely to suck money out of the fans who love it. But at least you've been adding more to it, not cutting it to ribbons. Here, have a cookie. The people responsible for this edit have no connection to the production except they own it. Like you'd own a pair of shoes.
George: That's just wrong.
It is. Gayleen is talking about how writing is a lot like voyeurism, when it works. It's as though everything is just going on, and if she can manage to tap into it and watch it and describe it that's the goal state.
See, that's the artistic process described with a modicum of passion. Good for her. I mean, naturally, my first instinct is to pillory her and talk about voyeurism, but who am I kidding? This is a reality show. Voyeurism is the name of the game. Readers are all voyeurs.
Joe tells us that yesterday she was just sort of banging away, but a night's sleep and the new day have brought a sense of creativity and humour to it.
Jennifer likes where her novel is going, and that it has taken a bit of a twist. Matthew is enjoying the writing and actually wanting to get it done, though he is feeling the panic of the clock.
Naturally, just as the writers begin to discuss their actual feelings about their work, we are transitioned to the cold artifice of product again, and taken to a new challenge. I remember this challenge. At least it was fun.
It's a spelling bee. They are broken into four teams by row. Look at Gayleen apologize to her teammates. the rules are simple. Spell a word wrong and you're out. The first team eliminated are the losers. The last person in the contest wins for the whole team.
Rachel asks Melissa why it matters of we can spell anymore. Lord. Melissa explains that spell-check isn't perfect. That's true. For example, a lot of misspellings are not picked up because they, themselves, are perfectly acceptable words. Also they don't help to catch the use of the wrong "their", "they're, or "there" for example. So that's true enough. And how about this, I would add, you people are fucking writers. Words are your passion. I mean, I'm sloppy as hell with my punctuation and it pisses me off, especially when I'm writing in haste and not revising as much as I should be. I misuse commas the way alcoholics drink. I know this, I'm not proud of it. I feel shame. When I see writers, supposedly professional writers, say things like "Spelling doesn't matter" I want to shock them in the genitals. Like this.
George: (screams)
Midichlorians. Fuck you.
Anyway, Melissa rightly points out that an understanding of spelling reveals an understanding of the origins of words and the fine delineations of meaning they can hold. I've long said that there are really precious few synonyms in English. Damp and moist, for example, are technically synonyms. But they aren't.
She also says that writers need to read, and a lot of them don't bother. This is also true, but I fail to see the connection. I will forgive it, though, as she is well-spoken and rational, and does not dress like a cartoon character.
The losers, we find, will be forced to man the barbecues for the cook out. The winners will get to spend an hour seeing something pretty, far away from the store. Something, I presume, that will add visual variety to the show while providing no material benefit to the winner at all. Typical. WInning is not a thing to be desired. All these people want is to get back to their goddamned books. They get to spend this time with Timothy, who won the show the year before (or four years ago, but who's counting), and he will provide some critique. I would posit critique is not valuable at this point. It can only distract from production and undermine morale.
Jesus.
Gayleen is up first, protesting she's been good. Her word is zephyr. Bitch better be able to spell zephyr. Fuck. And she does. Marty's word is insouciant. He asks for a definition, and then spells it. Lorna misspells gibbous, somehow, and Gayleen loses her first teammate. Matthew is eliminated on cephalalgia, and I might have lost on that one too, so I will refrain from mockery. Tracy is eliminated with the word amanuensis. Now, she didn't even come close, and Gayleen is on her own. But I'd like to point out that the fucking people doing the fucking show have spelled the word wrong on the screen. They have spelled it "amaneunsis". What the fuck? I mean, honestly. Look up the fucking word you assclowns, seriously!
There is some show biz editing here, and rightly so, as the contest went on a bit.
Gordon misspells etymology very, very badly. He makes up for it by spelling "walking off' entirely correctly, to the laughter of all.
Jennifer spells bibliophile, and Marty spells ascetic.
Rebecca misspells phalanx, and is the last person on her team to go. She, Matthew, and Gordon are the chefs of the day. So the punishment has been decided. The punishment for winning remains.
James spells kaleidoscope, his first actual spoken part in this episode. A note here that the sound in this challenge has an odd echo, and I'm not sure why. Anyway, here's James, ladies. And he's MARRIED.
Nancy spells monozygotic. There's a joke here, I'm sure. I'll probably come up with it tonight as I lay in bed and think of her. For now, I'm stumped.
Gayleen spells bureaucratic, typing on an invisible keyboard as she does it. That word is my frigging Waterloo. My chances there would have been fifty-fifty at best. So far, cephalalgia and bureaucratic are the only two words that would have challenged me. Notice here that Gayleen is now entirely on her own against two entirely intact teams.
Paul is eliminated by clurichaun, because he is not enough of a geek. Joe is eliminated by bivouac, and Jennifer by gnosticism.
Marty surrenders on the word formaldehyde, spelling "MICKEY MOUSE". I suspect he knew how to spell the word, but didn't want to win. That's what I think. I think he was voting with his funny.
Our final three are Gayleen, Nancy, and James. Gayleen spells sanguine. James spells gemellology. I would have totally fucked that one. James, you are officially better than me. The key is in realizing that gemellology is the study of twins. I would have assumed they meant gemology. Nancy spells Aurora Borealis, which is a giant step back in complexity, in my book. Also, it's two words. Whatever. Gayleen spells thaumaturgical. Seeing as her book is about magic, she'd better know that word.
James loses out on glossolalia, a word I'd have gotten, but only because it's a phenomenon I am fascinated by. Nancy is taken out by logorrhea.
I fucking embody that word.
So Gayleen wins it for her team. This is funny, as she was so whiny about it. Rachel refers to her as a hustler. I love this. Gayleen claims she honestly thought she could not spell. She may be sincere but if she is it's only because people never seem to get what they are good at.
The Parasite says that, after the break, the winning team will take their trip, but one writer isn't going anywhere. He makes that sound as though there is something naughty about to transpire. There isn't.
So, we're at a commercial break now, and George has curled into the fetal position here. I'm inclined to leave him that way. I feel a little bad for what I've subjected him to. I mean, Star Wars is his work. I suppose he's entitled to do with it what he will. Nobody is making us watch the special editions or the prequels. People do that because they're invested. That's not his fault, I suppose.
It's not like, for example, twelve people devoted an enormous amount of energy to it with the promise that they would receive the attendant publicity and exposure inherent in the show, only to find out that they network intended to just let it sit on a shelf for two full years until a legal tangle with the CRTC forced them to air it.
Sigh. I know. I know I should let this go. I know I should just be happy they're airing the show at all. I should try to appreciate it for what it is. I'm just so damned disappointed. This was supposed to be seven hours. I find myself thinking of the last episode. It was filmed live, with a studio audience. I don't know how they will cut that to half the running time, but I bet they'll do it by just not showing everyone's reviews.
That is so unfair it makes me want to scream. They all worked so bloody hard. The production staff, too, and now it's all in the hands of these strangers. Strangers who don't seem to get it.
Strangers who can't spell amanuensis, and probably don't think it's important. Tate would have cared. Tate would have looked it up.
So, George, I forgive you. You went back to your well one time too many, and you messed up your own work, but at least you pissed in your own sandbox. You're free to go.
George: Really?
Yes. The door's open. Be free.
George: (sound of scampering, and then the joyous scream of a man breathing air as a free man again, when he never expected to)
That's nice. I hope it inspires him.
We're back from the commercial. The Parasite says, "Before the break, Gayleen and her team of Lorna and Tracy won the spelling bee challenge". Ha! Those girls were each eliminated on their first words. Gayleen won that contest solo. Her team is totally reaping the "reward" by her sufferance.
Gayleen, "feeling the pressure to produce more pages", by which we mean, not being an utter fucking fool, and wanting to get back to the task at hand, gives her prize to Joe.
That was actually sweet. Joe was well ahead of schedule, and bemoaning the fact that all she'd seen of the city was the bookstore. So, this way she got to see some of the pretty parts of town.
They head out on the Radio Railway, to cross the High Level Bridge. it is a very nice trip. Timothy gives some pointers.
Joe mentions that she thinks Edmonton is pretty and that Timothy's advice is invaluable.
A word on Timothy here. I like Timothy. In this segment he is the most diplomatic man in the world. I am in awe of his performance.
He explains that Joe's book is very ambitious, both in scope and message. Joe had a feeling that she was a bit too distanced from the action in the beginning of the book, and he confirms that she is not revealing enough of the story through her characters. This is probably dead on good advice, and certainly Joe feels so. Timothy expresses his doubts that three days is enough time to fully deal with the concepts of her book.
He says that Tracy is an intuitive writer, just starting to second guess herself. He hopes she'll ditch some stuff that's distracting from the story. Tracy is being polite, but doesn't seem to think TImothy was helpful. She's a little, I'm sorry, snotty here, saying he's given her a good idea what to expect in the Alberta publishing world. Her tone indicates, in my opinion that she has a pretty low opinion of that world. I don't think I'd want to come off that way on a TV show, if it were me.
Lorna seems to have appreciated the fresh air, and the fresh eyes on the manuscript. Timothy says she is having some structural problems. Lorna is having consistency issues with the male voice, and she seems to have taken his advice to heart. He feels the second half of the book may be her chance to shine, which is usually not the way it goes in the 3 day where people tend to start strong and fall apart.
And we're back to commercials again. Do we have an extra break this time out? That seemed very short. Huh. Inconsistency.
Back from the break, Matthew is announcing the Barbeque is ready.
It's at this point that I realize two things. They've cut a whole challenge wherein the contestants reenact or perform scenes from past winners' books. Also they've cut out the visit from Lucha Libro, the book wrestler.
I am not particularly sorry about either of these things going missing, actually, but they were both. I'm told, funny.
This maniac in a Mexican wrestling mask, who called himself Lucha Libro attacked Gayleen with a Gabriel Gracia Marquez book and informed the children of the world that reading would make them mighty. I missed his appearance, oddly. I have no idea why. I was there all weekend. In fact, I'd only just excused myself a few minutes earlier. After he left, I returned, slightly dishevelled and out of breath, and was informed he'd already vanished. Huh. Just my luck. Anyway, not having seen this happen, and having no personal connection to the event whatsoever, I can't much mourn that it was cut. I'm told, however, that it was awesome.
The performance challenge, which was not that much fun to watch, did lead to the infamous incident in which James hung a stuffed dog from a noose. In the children's section. This incident was a highlight of the weekend for the participants. I can attest to the great humour and merriment that arose from that.
Gordon, who really resented the job of grill cook, is being snarky. A customer asks if he thinks he'll finish in time. He says that he will not. I think he really believed this. Also, he is sitting much to close to the hot grill for a guy who has partial feeling, at best, in his legs.
By Sunday night Gordon is at 15000, and Gayleen is at 16000. Matthew is at 13500. Jennifer is at 10500, but reminds us she is editing as she goes, which will save time in the long run. I am less certain this is true.
Marty says "Don't ask me about frigging word count." Joe says she hasn't done a word count but is at 73 pages. Lorna is at 45, and Nancy is at 50 pages. Paul is at 13,000 words.
Rebecca says she's not very far along, and that it's not a book at all it's just a really long paragraph. Rebecca is funny. I hope she knows this.
At this point, I want another challenge, because this is all sports scores now. And we DID THIS PART already. At the beginning. Ask them ABOUT THE BOOK!
Oh look, the camera guy is actually doing that. He asks Jennifer if she's happy with the quality of the book. I mean, its not a specific question but it beats the hell out of asking her again if she's beat the spread. She says she is.
Gordon, happily, says that his characters are surprising him. Tracy says the pressure is bringing out new angles and new characters. Nancy is saying it's difficult to judge quality because you're not doing a lot of re-reading. I must say i totally get that. Both times I did this contest, I had NO idea whatsoever if my books were good, bad, or nonsense. When Silver Bullets shortlisted, I was honestly surprised. I still don't know if my book this year is better or worse than last years. I think I like it better, though I've no earthly idea why. I think that those books become so intense and personal that you're maybe better off relying on other people to answer the question of quality.
Nancy looks like hell here, and no wonder as she was, at this point, suffering from a nasty toothache. So, if you're wondering where her chipper went, that's your answer. Gayleen provided her with top-notch painkillers, but it didn't help much.
Lorna feels that she started strong but is wavering off. Paul feels that he now can see the sequence of scenes that will take him to the end of the book. Marty is in view of his climax and anticipating Monday will be a straight print to the finish.
Matthew is feeling his deadline. Rebecca and Gayleen both seem pleasantly surprised with the quality of things.
Just before midnight, Joe finishes her book. That is insane. I still do not know how she did that. She and I are very different writers. Her plan appears to be, and she talks about this once the applause dies down, that she has the beginning middle and end in place and can spend Monday fleshing it out and making it better. That is surely a way to do it, and I hope they talk to her about it some in the next episode because that is so different from how I'd do it that it's fascinating.
I'm not hopeful. My prediction, and I'd love to be wrong, is that they will do a lot more sport scores, one of the dreadful challenges with Todd Babiak, and a lot of hugging and goodbyes.
Joe asks where the champagne is.
France, baby. Canadian TV can't afford champagne.
Instead of talking about the stories, the crew asks how people are holding up physically. Lorna says she's tired. No kidding. James says he's getting occasional waves that feel like he might collapse. Matthew says his eyes are bleary and people are asking him if he's sick. Gayleen says she's okay and she got three and a half hours sleep last night. Sure. That's probably enough. AMrty says that he is a wreck and not holding up at all.
This was very true. By this point, he kept doing actual faceplants on the keyboard. No kidding. The rest of them kept telling him he needed to go to bed.
Tracy is doing better. Nancy is also holding up for now.
Paul has just, he informs us, had his first cup of coffee. Ever. It has hit him like a train and he is talking and talking and talking. It's adorable. I hope it's true. Me, I'd have been on my ninetieth Dr. Pepper by now, and still drifting off.
I hope George is making his way home okay. Are those sirens?
Huh.
Rebecca brings the funny again. "Right now, you could shine a bright light in my eyes and I'd probably chase it like a cat."
Those are sirens. I need to wrap this up.
Ironically Paul and Gordon are discussing how they can get on schedule if they use the night well. Gayleen says she's not thinking of word count so much as she has a story she wants to tell, and thinks she's doing okay. I believe that I know what she means here. She had a pretty detailed outline in place, and thought she had to go to 50,000, so her challenge is to cut the non-essentials and focus on the prime story. The freedom she may feel here at only having to go to around 30,000 is balanced by her concern that she can't cut the wrong thing.
Joe says she has kids and can write in spurts.
Lorna has fifteen pages to write before sleep time.
Nancy hoped to be further along before bedtime. We see folks retiring, and are told next week is the dramatic conclusion.
The credits roll, and we see Rebecca walking in on Marty juggling again. She looks like a proud Momma even when he drops a ball. How can you not love this girl? Seriously.
Okay, my hands are up. Put the guns down, officers. Don't be crazy. Oh, this taser? Of course I didn't use a taser on George Lucas, that's...
I want a lawyer please.
Lawyer.
Lawyer.
Lawyer.
Next week.
Lawyer.
So, I'm sitting upstairs writing my novel this afternoon when I realize that I've forgotten to actually DO the recap this week. So I think to myself, I think, "Well, self, you should probably do that. I mean, sure nobody is watching the show, and sure nobody is reading your recaps because the first one was so toxic and hateful that it made the baby Jesus cry, and nobody on the show is even talking to you now, let alone reading, but you have an obligation to finish the things you start." So I went downstairs, and Gayleen and I imported the show from VHS to digital. It's sort of easier to work with it that way, stopping and starting as I need to, and taking the time to ruminate and meander. It's a whole process, really, and after the last week, I think I'm starting to actually get it.
Now, sitting here and getting down to it, I find myself thinking about that whole responsibility to finish what I start. I think that my decision to take the attitude is what made the difference between my just being a guy with lots of ideas and half-finished books to being a guy who finishes shit. These days I don't start a project without that promise.
My first novel, which still has no name I'm happy with, but which I'm calling Now England Sees, was worth that effort. So too, were my two three day novels. I did, however, write a whole 85,000 word novel last year that is, if I'm honest, just not any good at all. I knew it wasn't working. I hit the halfway point, and I kept on plunging through. For all kinds of reasons, it's not something I'll be going back to revise.
I don't regret it.
I learned some things about the ways in which I can do well and do poorly from the experience, and I'm not so sure I'd have learned that lesson if I'd aborted.
And now, even though I'm five episodes in, and still not at all certain if this was a success or a failure, I will finish what I start, dammit.
I did receive a letter to Penthouse by the way, as per last week's contest. Unfortunately, the letter is from a spambot offering excellent prices on prescription medication. So, I think that their primary goal was not to gratify me sexually. I admit to being mildly disappointed by that.
Still, on with the show.
We start with the last week in review. The Parasite lauds Marty for using his 300 dollars to buy the other writer's books. There is a tone in his voice that makes him sound like he's actually being a sarcastic cunt about the whole thing. Not for the first time, I find myself wanting to fight him. He also reminds us that Jennifer cleans in a fancy dress and that Rebecca slept in a tent.
He further reminds us that the new judge, Melissa is no pushover, and that she was not looking for letters to Penthouse. I was. I really was, and you people let me DOWN.
Which reminds me. I have another co-capper this week. It's my great pleasure to introduce you all to George Lucas.
George: It's my pleasure to be here.
George, you're responsible for three of the most culturally important films of our times, Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, and American Graffiti. You're also responsible for Return of the Jedi, and the Prequel trilogy. And Willow.
George: Um...
So, I've asked you here today for two reasons. First, because you know more than anyone the ways in which a creative person can have a runaway success, and then show again and again that they have nothing else to say. Secondly, I want to have you here with me, in this closed room to provide both rewards and punishments for the period of about half an hour.
George: Should this door be locked?
Yes. So we're into the credits again, and I find myself thinking of the opening scrolls we had in the prequel trilogy. Did you actually think they compared to the ones from the first two films?
George: Why is my cell phone not getting any bars?
Have you seen the movie Saw? Anyway…
Sunday afternoon is nigh, and the writers are sharing their word counts, which vary wildly. Marty bravely says, "Page count, who cares about page count?" He does. I'm fairly sure they all do. Rebecca and Paul seem to be experiencing some setbacks. Paul says the scene he's working on feels as if he's been writing it since his eighteenth birthday.
Actually, that's not so uncommon. Sometimes an artist's most vital creative work can be his early work, the work he's spent a life time preparing for. For example, in your case, George. Star Wars was such a fresh thing when it first came out. It owed a lot to the science fiction films of your youth but brought a kind of life and energy that had been long absent. Empire, the sequel, was a slightly deeper take, and much assisted by the fact that the actual screenplay was written by other parties based on your ideas. To many it's the perfect fusion of your imagination and something that is actually good. When it came time to make Episode 1: Attack of the Clones, whatever made you think your ideas were any good, and that you should write the screenplay?
George: You know, I don't understand why so many of you take this so personally…(breaks into incoherent screams as I taser him in the genitals)
Wrong answer.
Jennifer also hoped to be further along. Matthew is plugging along well, and Marty seems confident, as does Nancy. Rebecca, like Pollyanna, is determined to remain optimistic, no matter what may come to pass.
Marty explains to us that the first day was easy because it was Friday, and he write furiously from midnight to 1:30 and passed out, and that Saturday he got into a good rhythm. Rebecca feels as though she did well on Saturday but is running out of things to say. Jennifer experienced writer's block for the first time on late Saturday night. That's rough.
Nancy talks about how the beginning is an exciting time when writing a novel, and that when you get to the end, you are in that home stretch, and the goal is in sight. It's the middle that's hard, and that's where she is.
George, let me help you up. Don't worry. I won't zap you again as long as you act right. Let me ask you something. What was the reason you went back to the original trilogy and did the digital special editions?
George: I…I had visions of how I wanted it to be originally (sobs) and the effects weren't there…and…
I see. Did it occur to you that people loved what you'd done, and that by messing around with it you were soiling it and making it dirty?
George: No.
Well, at least that's honest.
The Parasite says, in a nonsensical response that apparently a novel can't be reduced to a page count, word count, beginning middle, and end.
Of course, that's just what the last segment showed. It can be. Novels are built that way, through the slow accumulation of pages over time. It's work, just like building a house, or slowly torturing a film director who took your childhood mythology and showed you that it was just product. Product like nylon hose, or anti-perspirant. Once you know that, you can't un-know it, and it forever changes how you take in art, and how you produce it.
There's a lot of talk about this person or that person who remakes a movie or revamps a TV show "raping my childhood". This notion that the past is this perfect place, and we should leave it alone. I don't agree. I think artists revisit their own work, and the work of others. Sometimes a remake is brilliant. The Fly (1956) is perfect the way it is, but The Fly (1986) is also a perfect little thing, both of them the unique child of unique parents.
But I can never lose sight of the fact that the things we write and watch are released, primarily, by corporations, and to these corporations they may as well be machine parts. They can be graded and taken apart and reassembled in new ways to make them more commercial, or to wring out that extra dime.
So, you see, I'm finding myself a little distressed at getting what I wanted here. If you'll recall, I wanted more talk on the process of writing, and what the writers were going through. On the other hand, I wanted more talk about the books itself, the characters that live there, the actual art of it. Instead we're focusing on them as nothing more than a word count, a page count, a beginning, middle, and end. And they can be reduced to that.
Of course, they're more than that too, if they work. I'd like to see some of that. But what can you do in twenty two minutes?
Increasingly, I'm aware these episodes were chopped nearly in half. They're product. Time filling Canadian content product, released only to get the CRTC off their backs because they were smacked for not releasing enough Canadian content, and hey don't we have a whole fucking show in the can?
George: Wow, that is pretty shitty. I mean, okay, I'll admit, maybe I was motivated by profit when I made the Special Editions, but at least I actually care about the movies. Star Wars is kind of my thing, you know. It's what I have.
Yeah. And it is YOURS. Which makes it a shame that you basically fucked it all up and have released edition after edition solely to suck money out of the fans who love it. But at least you've been adding more to it, not cutting it to ribbons. Here, have a cookie. The people responsible for this edit have no connection to the production except they own it. Like you'd own a pair of shoes.
George: That's just wrong.
It is. Gayleen is talking about how writing is a lot like voyeurism, when it works. It's as though everything is just going on, and if she can manage to tap into it and watch it and describe it that's the goal state.
See, that's the artistic process described with a modicum of passion. Good for her. I mean, naturally, my first instinct is to pillory her and talk about voyeurism, but who am I kidding? This is a reality show. Voyeurism is the name of the game. Readers are all voyeurs.
Joe tells us that yesterday she was just sort of banging away, but a night's sleep and the new day have brought a sense of creativity and humour to it.
Jennifer likes where her novel is going, and that it has taken a bit of a twist. Matthew is enjoying the writing and actually wanting to get it done, though he is feeling the panic of the clock.
Naturally, just as the writers begin to discuss their actual feelings about their work, we are transitioned to the cold artifice of product again, and taken to a new challenge. I remember this challenge. At least it was fun.
It's a spelling bee. They are broken into four teams by row. Look at Gayleen apologize to her teammates. the rules are simple. Spell a word wrong and you're out. The first team eliminated are the losers. The last person in the contest wins for the whole team.
Rachel asks Melissa why it matters of we can spell anymore. Lord. Melissa explains that spell-check isn't perfect. That's true. For example, a lot of misspellings are not picked up because they, themselves, are perfectly acceptable words. Also they don't help to catch the use of the wrong "their", "they're, or "there" for example. So that's true enough. And how about this, I would add, you people are fucking writers. Words are your passion. I mean, I'm sloppy as hell with my punctuation and it pisses me off, especially when I'm writing in haste and not revising as much as I should be. I misuse commas the way alcoholics drink. I know this, I'm not proud of it. I feel shame. When I see writers, supposedly professional writers, say things like "Spelling doesn't matter" I want to shock them in the genitals. Like this.
George: (screams)
Midichlorians. Fuck you.
Anyway, Melissa rightly points out that an understanding of spelling reveals an understanding of the origins of words and the fine delineations of meaning they can hold. I've long said that there are really precious few synonyms in English. Damp and moist, for example, are technically synonyms. But they aren't.
She also says that writers need to read, and a lot of them don't bother. This is also true, but I fail to see the connection. I will forgive it, though, as she is well-spoken and rational, and does not dress like a cartoon character.
The losers, we find, will be forced to man the barbecues for the cook out. The winners will get to spend an hour seeing something pretty, far away from the store. Something, I presume, that will add visual variety to the show while providing no material benefit to the winner at all. Typical. WInning is not a thing to be desired. All these people want is to get back to their goddamned books. They get to spend this time with Timothy, who won the show the year before (or four years ago, but who's counting), and he will provide some critique. I would posit critique is not valuable at this point. It can only distract from production and undermine morale.
Jesus.
Gayleen is up first, protesting she's been good. Her word is zephyr. Bitch better be able to spell zephyr. Fuck. And she does. Marty's word is insouciant. He asks for a definition, and then spells it. Lorna misspells gibbous, somehow, and Gayleen loses her first teammate. Matthew is eliminated on cephalalgia, and I might have lost on that one too, so I will refrain from mockery. Tracy is eliminated with the word amanuensis. Now, she didn't even come close, and Gayleen is on her own. But I'd like to point out that the fucking people doing the fucking show have spelled the word wrong on the screen. They have spelled it "amaneunsis". What the fuck? I mean, honestly. Look up the fucking word you assclowns, seriously!
There is some show biz editing here, and rightly so, as the contest went on a bit.
Gordon misspells etymology very, very badly. He makes up for it by spelling "walking off' entirely correctly, to the laughter of all.
Jennifer spells bibliophile, and Marty spells ascetic.
Rebecca misspells phalanx, and is the last person on her team to go. She, Matthew, and Gordon are the chefs of the day. So the punishment has been decided. The punishment for winning remains.
James spells kaleidoscope, his first actual spoken part in this episode. A note here that the sound in this challenge has an odd echo, and I'm not sure why. Anyway, here's James, ladies. And he's MARRIED.
Nancy spells monozygotic. There's a joke here, I'm sure. I'll probably come up with it tonight as I lay in bed and think of her. For now, I'm stumped.
Gayleen spells bureaucratic, typing on an invisible keyboard as she does it. That word is my frigging Waterloo. My chances there would have been fifty-fifty at best. So far, cephalalgia and bureaucratic are the only two words that would have challenged me. Notice here that Gayleen is now entirely on her own against two entirely intact teams.
Paul is eliminated by clurichaun, because he is not enough of a geek. Joe is eliminated by bivouac, and Jennifer by gnosticism.
Marty surrenders on the word formaldehyde, spelling "MICKEY MOUSE". I suspect he knew how to spell the word, but didn't want to win. That's what I think. I think he was voting with his funny.
Our final three are Gayleen, Nancy, and James. Gayleen spells sanguine. James spells gemellology. I would have totally fucked that one. James, you are officially better than me. The key is in realizing that gemellology is the study of twins. I would have assumed they meant gemology. Nancy spells Aurora Borealis, which is a giant step back in complexity, in my book. Also, it's two words. Whatever. Gayleen spells thaumaturgical. Seeing as her book is about magic, she'd better know that word.
James loses out on glossolalia, a word I'd have gotten, but only because it's a phenomenon I am fascinated by. Nancy is taken out by logorrhea.
I fucking embody that word.
So Gayleen wins it for her team. This is funny, as she was so whiny about it. Rachel refers to her as a hustler. I love this. Gayleen claims she honestly thought she could not spell. She may be sincere but if she is it's only because people never seem to get what they are good at.
The Parasite says that, after the break, the winning team will take their trip, but one writer isn't going anywhere. He makes that sound as though there is something naughty about to transpire. There isn't.
So, we're at a commercial break now, and George has curled into the fetal position here. I'm inclined to leave him that way. I feel a little bad for what I've subjected him to. I mean, Star Wars is his work. I suppose he's entitled to do with it what he will. Nobody is making us watch the special editions or the prequels. People do that because they're invested. That's not his fault, I suppose.
It's not like, for example, twelve people devoted an enormous amount of energy to it with the promise that they would receive the attendant publicity and exposure inherent in the show, only to find out that they network intended to just let it sit on a shelf for two full years until a legal tangle with the CRTC forced them to air it.
Sigh. I know. I know I should let this go. I know I should just be happy they're airing the show at all. I should try to appreciate it for what it is. I'm just so damned disappointed. This was supposed to be seven hours. I find myself thinking of the last episode. It was filmed live, with a studio audience. I don't know how they will cut that to half the running time, but I bet they'll do it by just not showing everyone's reviews.
That is so unfair it makes me want to scream. They all worked so bloody hard. The production staff, too, and now it's all in the hands of these strangers. Strangers who don't seem to get it.
Strangers who can't spell amanuensis, and probably don't think it's important. Tate would have cared. Tate would have looked it up.
So, George, I forgive you. You went back to your well one time too many, and you messed up your own work, but at least you pissed in your own sandbox. You're free to go.
George: Really?
Yes. The door's open. Be free.
George: (sound of scampering, and then the joyous scream of a man breathing air as a free man again, when he never expected to)
That's nice. I hope it inspires him.
We're back from the commercial. The Parasite says, "Before the break, Gayleen and her team of Lorna and Tracy won the spelling bee challenge". Ha! Those girls were each eliminated on their first words. Gayleen won that contest solo. Her team is totally reaping the "reward" by her sufferance.
Gayleen, "feeling the pressure to produce more pages", by which we mean, not being an utter fucking fool, and wanting to get back to the task at hand, gives her prize to Joe.
That was actually sweet. Joe was well ahead of schedule, and bemoaning the fact that all she'd seen of the city was the bookstore. So, this way she got to see some of the pretty parts of town.
They head out on the Radio Railway, to cross the High Level Bridge. it is a very nice trip. Timothy gives some pointers.
Joe mentions that she thinks Edmonton is pretty and that Timothy's advice is invaluable.
A word on Timothy here. I like Timothy. In this segment he is the most diplomatic man in the world. I am in awe of his performance.
He explains that Joe's book is very ambitious, both in scope and message. Joe had a feeling that she was a bit too distanced from the action in the beginning of the book, and he confirms that she is not revealing enough of the story through her characters. This is probably dead on good advice, and certainly Joe feels so. Timothy expresses his doubts that three days is enough time to fully deal with the concepts of her book.
He says that Tracy is an intuitive writer, just starting to second guess herself. He hopes she'll ditch some stuff that's distracting from the story. Tracy is being polite, but doesn't seem to think TImothy was helpful. She's a little, I'm sorry, snotty here, saying he's given her a good idea what to expect in the Alberta publishing world. Her tone indicates, in my opinion that she has a pretty low opinion of that world. I don't think I'd want to come off that way on a TV show, if it were me.
Lorna seems to have appreciated the fresh air, and the fresh eyes on the manuscript. Timothy says she is having some structural problems. Lorna is having consistency issues with the male voice, and she seems to have taken his advice to heart. He feels the second half of the book may be her chance to shine, which is usually not the way it goes in the 3 day where people tend to start strong and fall apart.
And we're back to commercials again. Do we have an extra break this time out? That seemed very short. Huh. Inconsistency.
Back from the break, Matthew is announcing the Barbeque is ready.
It's at this point that I realize two things. They've cut a whole challenge wherein the contestants reenact or perform scenes from past winners' books. Also they've cut out the visit from Lucha Libro, the book wrestler.
I am not particularly sorry about either of these things going missing, actually, but they were both. I'm told, funny.
This maniac in a Mexican wrestling mask, who called himself Lucha Libro attacked Gayleen with a Gabriel Gracia Marquez book and informed the children of the world that reading would make them mighty. I missed his appearance, oddly. I have no idea why. I was there all weekend. In fact, I'd only just excused myself a few minutes earlier. After he left, I returned, slightly dishevelled and out of breath, and was informed he'd already vanished. Huh. Just my luck. Anyway, not having seen this happen, and having no personal connection to the event whatsoever, I can't much mourn that it was cut. I'm told, however, that it was awesome.
The performance challenge, which was not that much fun to watch, did lead to the infamous incident in which James hung a stuffed dog from a noose. In the children's section. This incident was a highlight of the weekend for the participants. I can attest to the great humour and merriment that arose from that.
Gordon, who really resented the job of grill cook, is being snarky. A customer asks if he thinks he'll finish in time. He says that he will not. I think he really believed this. Also, he is sitting much to close to the hot grill for a guy who has partial feeling, at best, in his legs.
By Sunday night Gordon is at 15000, and Gayleen is at 16000. Matthew is at 13500. Jennifer is at 10500, but reminds us she is editing as she goes, which will save time in the long run. I am less certain this is true.
Marty says "Don't ask me about frigging word count." Joe says she hasn't done a word count but is at 73 pages. Lorna is at 45, and Nancy is at 50 pages. Paul is at 13,000 words.
Rebecca says she's not very far along, and that it's not a book at all it's just a really long paragraph. Rebecca is funny. I hope she knows this.
At this point, I want another challenge, because this is all sports scores now. And we DID THIS PART already. At the beginning. Ask them ABOUT THE BOOK!
Oh look, the camera guy is actually doing that. He asks Jennifer if she's happy with the quality of the book. I mean, its not a specific question but it beats the hell out of asking her again if she's beat the spread. She says she is.
Gordon, happily, says that his characters are surprising him. Tracy says the pressure is bringing out new angles and new characters. Nancy is saying it's difficult to judge quality because you're not doing a lot of re-reading. I must say i totally get that. Both times I did this contest, I had NO idea whatsoever if my books were good, bad, or nonsense. When Silver Bullets shortlisted, I was honestly surprised. I still don't know if my book this year is better or worse than last years. I think I like it better, though I've no earthly idea why. I think that those books become so intense and personal that you're maybe better off relying on other people to answer the question of quality.
Nancy looks like hell here, and no wonder as she was, at this point, suffering from a nasty toothache. So, if you're wondering where her chipper went, that's your answer. Gayleen provided her with top-notch painkillers, but it didn't help much.
Lorna feels that she started strong but is wavering off. Paul feels that he now can see the sequence of scenes that will take him to the end of the book. Marty is in view of his climax and anticipating Monday will be a straight print to the finish.
Matthew is feeling his deadline. Rebecca and Gayleen both seem pleasantly surprised with the quality of things.
Just before midnight, Joe finishes her book. That is insane. I still do not know how she did that. She and I are very different writers. Her plan appears to be, and she talks about this once the applause dies down, that she has the beginning middle and end in place and can spend Monday fleshing it out and making it better. That is surely a way to do it, and I hope they talk to her about it some in the next episode because that is so different from how I'd do it that it's fascinating.
I'm not hopeful. My prediction, and I'd love to be wrong, is that they will do a lot more sport scores, one of the dreadful challenges with Todd Babiak, and a lot of hugging and goodbyes.
Joe asks where the champagne is.
France, baby. Canadian TV can't afford champagne.
Instead of talking about the stories, the crew asks how people are holding up physically. Lorna says she's tired. No kidding. James says he's getting occasional waves that feel like he might collapse. Matthew says his eyes are bleary and people are asking him if he's sick. Gayleen says she's okay and she got three and a half hours sleep last night. Sure. That's probably enough. AMrty says that he is a wreck and not holding up at all.
This was very true. By this point, he kept doing actual faceplants on the keyboard. No kidding. The rest of them kept telling him he needed to go to bed.
Tracy is doing better. Nancy is also holding up for now.
Paul has just, he informs us, had his first cup of coffee. Ever. It has hit him like a train and he is talking and talking and talking. It's adorable. I hope it's true. Me, I'd have been on my ninetieth Dr. Pepper by now, and still drifting off.
I hope George is making his way home okay. Are those sirens?
Huh.
Rebecca brings the funny again. "Right now, you could shine a bright light in my eyes and I'd probably chase it like a cat."
Those are sirens. I need to wrap this up.
Ironically Paul and Gordon are discussing how they can get on schedule if they use the night well. Gayleen says she's not thinking of word count so much as she has a story she wants to tell, and thinks she's doing okay. I believe that I know what she means here. She had a pretty detailed outline in place, and thought she had to go to 50,000, so her challenge is to cut the non-essentials and focus on the prime story. The freedom she may feel here at only having to go to around 30,000 is balanced by her concern that she can't cut the wrong thing.
Joe says she has kids and can write in spurts.
Lorna has fifteen pages to write before sleep time.
Nancy hoped to be further along before bedtime. We see folks retiring, and are told next week is the dramatic conclusion.
The credits roll, and we see Rebecca walking in on Marty juggling again. She looks like a proud Momma even when he drops a ball. How can you not love this girl? Seriously.
Okay, my hands are up. Put the guns down, officers. Don't be crazy. Oh, this taser? Of course I didn't use a taser on George Lucas, that's...
I want a lawyer please.
Lawyer.
Lawyer.
Lawyer.
Next week.
Lawyer.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Episode 5: Caplet
Hello loyal fan.
I have watched episode five, and on the whole, it's good. It's more about the writing process than I thought the show would ever give me.
Of course, my major televison debut was left, thank god, on the cutting room floor. I'll discuss that, and so much more, in the full recap. Monday morning, probably sooner.
I have watched episode five, and on the whole, it's good. It's more about the writing process than I thought the show would ever give me.
Of course, my major televison debut was left, thank god, on the cutting room floor. I'll discuss that, and so much more, in the full recap. Monday morning, probably sooner.
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