Episode 7: Fuck you, show.

Episode 7 was filmed months later. It was filmed in edmonton as a one hour live studio production. Live to tape, obviously. It was designed to be an hour long show. it was, therefore, set up for that. The judges at the front. The host to m/c everything. The contestants all seated together on one wall, and those of us in the audience, having signed our non-disclosure agreements, watching the show.

When I realized that the final episode was a half hour long, I knew it was going to be stupid beyond measure.

This is, therefore going to be a very short recap. I have no choice. There's actually not much to say. it's a lot of talking heads, mostly.

But let's try.

The show begins with the single laziest thing I have ever seen. They use the full introduction used at the beginning of the first episode. Scene for scene. Line for line. They don't edit anything new for this. Why bother? Assholes.

They then, for no reason I can determine, create a NEW CREDIT SEQUENCE! Not for everyone, just some. WHY?

Rachel welcomes us to the finale. Rachel is a gorgeous woman, but here, she looks like boiled ass. It is not at all easy to make Rachel look like boiled ass. Had the makeup people never put makeup on a black person before? Here's a tip: they aren't green.

She explains they will pick three short-listers and then a winner. Before that, she wants to describe the prizes. The winner will receive publication of their novel in Westword, the magazine of the Alberta Writer's Guild. They will also win an artist's retreat in Banff, and five thousand dollars.

Looking at the cast behind Rachel I see several things. James is covering his genitals with his hands. Paul looks as though he is ready to puke, and Tracy is looking in her lap. It was a very tense hour. You don't get to see too much of that here, but i'll grab what I can for you.

Rachel says we'll hear the judges' critical reviews, whittle it down to three and go from there. That is not what happened.

before we go any further, she wants to talk to the judges. First up is Melissa. She says the writers have done well, and that it was good for her to see the writing first hand as she's often quite isolated from the process.

Minister Faust, who is, at least, funny is asked what he thought. He says it was the worst he's seen yet, and doesn't know why some of these people bother. he says there were a few gems that rose to the top of the toilet and that's what they'll talk about today. That's a crowd pleaser.

Todd is asked about common strengths and weaknesses. he says it's painful to read them because the way they're written is very naked. They are very close to who the person is, and no time to chip them into art. So it's hard to read them as a critic.

Each of the judges compiled their own shortlist. Rachel asks them how they did that. Faust says he employed logical means and came to the accurate judgings, and hopefully the other judges will conform to his. Again, all laugh.

The other judges do not get to speak.

Rachel tells us that after the break we'll see the first critical review. Already the seams are showing.

Rachel welcomes us back. She is interviewing James, to see what he's done since the contest. He wrote a sequel to his book, also over three days. And, he tells us, it was much easier without the cameras and Faust to mess with him.

The other writers do not speak. There's no time. They decide to play all twelve critical reviews back to back. This is not how it went down live. And so, from this point on, we do not see the studio for about 15 minutes. Because it would not make sense. At all.

I don't have the stomach to recap them in detail, and they were edited oddly anyway. Hence the shortness of the recap.

In summary, Faust is a softie. He likes the books, on the whole, considerably better that the rest of the judges. Melissa turns out to be the harshest, and Todd is sort of amiable but not insightful.

Some of the writers are not treated very nicely. Most are. I find most of the commentaries to be fair, but edited out of context, you may or may not agree.

When the whole shooting match, all twelve are over, we cut to a commercial and come back to find out who won.

We see the coveted trophy, the Parasite says. It is, by the way, an obelisk, not a trophy, per se. He then says the judges have chosen a short list of three and the winner is about to be chosen.

We cut, I shit you not to a shot of Matthew, Paul and Gayleen standing up, with NO PRIOR DISCUSSION of the shortlist. We are told this is exciting.

Gayleen is the winner. The crowd goes wild. She hugs the other shortlisters.

Now look. I am delighted she won. She almost certainly deserved to, but Jesus fuck, how shitty is their treatment of Matthew and Paul. Do they not deserve some discussion here?

It's not just bad, it's lazy and incompetent. It's one of the most boring half hours ever shown on TV.

The way it went live was so much better. The review was done. The contestants responded, and then they were either shortlisted or not. The shortlisters sat on stools at the side. All alone.

Gayleen was the second review, and the first to be shortlisted. She was alone there for a LONG time. During the commercial breaks she ran back to the flock like a scared duckling. It was adorable. Then, I think came Paul, and the two of them clung to each other, again, running back during the breaks.

It was fascinating to see the writers react to the reviews and the tension was amazing.

All gone.

Sigh.

It was really well done.

Cutting it to a half an hour made it really easy for the fucktards. Slap the intro from episode one, have a little intro. Do all the reviews, pre-filmed and ready, and then jump to the winner. They then make a montage of Gayleen clips. ALL of them we have seen before. Why look at the rest of the footage for anything? Why show us anything new? It's nicely edited, but it's all so… needless and packaged.

Everybody hugs and the credits roll, and I am reminded how much I miss these people. It is nice to see how long and how genuinely Gordon hugs her. It is more moving and interesting than the rest of the episode.

I am enormously proud of Gayleen, and of course she knows that. Know also, other contestants, that no matter what I said about you in these caps, I number you among my tribe. You did an amazing thing, and my anger is directed at the people who did not care about the show at all. The bean counters and lackeys left to finish an artist's job with the least amount of effort possible.

You were done a disservice, and you were so much more entertaining and involving than the show you wound up in.

Thanks.