Welcome back for a belated week four. I'd liked to have had this done a lot sooner, but I spent an inordinate amount of time this week doing actual activities which required human contact. While many of these things were, in fact, enjoyable, I can't deny that I'd have rather been here, just you and I, cuddled under the blanket on a comfy couch and bitching impotently about the show.
Without further delay, let's hop to it. Oh wait, that reminds me, did anyone else see the latest SNL digital short featuring a rap between the resident wiseass Andy Samberg and a 250 pound black dude pretending to be Reba McEntire? I find myself in the strange position of wanting to call that woman on the phone and see how she's doing. I mean, they weren't actually taking the piss out of her so much as painting Samberg as a total fool, but wow.
That's how you digress, kids. That's how it's done. Today my brain is a free-associational jukebox. I have more needless asides today than that time on Family Guy when Peter said, "This is more redundant than a flashback within a flashback", and there was a series of quick cuts to versions of him saying that, and flashing back ad infinitum until my television exploded.
Which reminds me, my guest co-capper today is Seth MacFarlane, the show runner over at Family Guy, and also the voice of Peter, Stewie, and Brian. How are you today, Seth?
Seth: (in Peter's voice) Freakin' sweet.
Good to hear, you pipe up when the mood strikes you.
Seth: (in Stewie's voice) Oh, never fear. I shall.
Great. So, we're into the last week ons, and I won't go into that, you were all here. Except for you Seth.
Seth: That's true.
Wait, are you doing Brian's voice, or is that you doing your normal speaking voice?
Seth: (long pause): I...I don't know anymore. Oh God!
Great. Well, it was pretty dull. It was all challenges all the time.
Seth: (as Peter): Wait a minute. These guys are all just writing books? For three days?
Yes. It's for a specialty network about reading.
Seth: And nobody's even freaking naked or anything? How do you get eliminated? Do you get kicked off the bookstore...oh no wait...written out of the plot.
Seth: (as Brian) Oh my god. Peter, that was actually witty.
Um. Seth. Can you prune it back a little here? We're only twenty seconds in, and already this is getting long.
Seth: (with deep self loathing, as Meg) Sorry. I'm just so stupid. Stupid.
Seth, you don't even DO Meg's voice on the show.
Seth: (as Peter) Oh who cares? It's only Meg.
Anyway, here are the opening credits now, and I am almost sure that's Todd shadowboxing now.
The episode starts with Jennifer and Tracy (who lost the last challenge) preparing for their bathroom cleaning adventure. Not surprisingly, they are focusing on Jennifer's attire. She is in four inch heels, a satin leopard print dress and a faux fur wrap. Tracy is as amused as anyone.
Seth: (as Peter) This is what I'm talking about. Oh yeah, the blonde one's cute too. Look at her bending over to pour that floor cleaner. Do they make out?
No. But that little thing where Tracy points her toe like a housewife in a commercial is cute. And as they push open the bathroom door to the men's room Tracy seems to think this is both sick and wrong.
Speaking as a dude who did a short time as a night janitor, the men's room is usually a walk in the park by comparison to the ladies' room. I think that the lineups are so long that by the time women get in the stall they have been reduced to primitive simian dung-throwing rage. It's the only explanation because, let's face it, men are animals. There is no way their bathroom should be cleaner.
Now a word on form, here. Girls, sweep before you mop. Especially when there are visible pieces of paper towel and toilet paper on the floor. Think. You are making papier-mâché with that mop. It's not productive.
Seth: (as Brian, I think) No, it's not productive but it's quite a show. Her bra is showing and everything. That is undeniably hot. I love a woman cleaning in four inch heels.
Seth: (as Stewie) Sure, everyone talks about me, nobody talks about your issues. You're a dog, you realize that? If you showed as much attention to that witch in the satin dress as you show your many girlfriends, she'd swat you with a rolled-up newspaper.
Seth: (as Brian) I should be so lucky. Awooo!
Hey, that is a friend of mine. A friend with children. Stop that ogling right now.
Oh good, we're in the bookstore with Marty. He is on his $300 shopping spree, the fruit of his victory last challenge. The first thing he does is buy all the books he can find by his fellow contestants. Don't you want to just pinch those cheeks? He is such a nice guy. I repeat, bodies in the basement.
Seth: (as Peter) Yay, we're back in the bathroom with Catwoman.
Okay. Enough. Look. Seth, when I asked you to co-cap today, I asked you here because you're the chief mind behind what is arguably the seminal comedy show of our times. You have an enormous amount of insight to offer on how shows are made and how they could be improved. I want that Seth. I didn't ask you here as some kind of performing ape. You don't have to just do impressions all night long.
Seth: Should I...should I sing?
God no. You should stop doing that altogether. It was funny once or twice but now it's just this weird affectation that people tolerate. Like with Jerry Lewis.
Seth: Are you comparing me to Jerry Lewis?
Not in a good way.
Seth: Oh.
Anyway, we're out in the parking lot with Rebecca. With her is a bald fellow. This is Tate. The show was his baby, and we don't see much of him in the show. I don't know if he wound up on the cutting room floor by design, or from time constraints or what, but it's too bad. I love Tate. I don't have a bad thing to say about the man. Even though I might not agree with some of his decisions, he's the reason we have this show at all. That takes drive.
He's helping Rebecca set the tent up in the parking lot. Pay attention to how unhappy he looks. Also how cold and empty that lot is. There's a shot of Tate looking at the tent and walking toward the store with some serious concern on his face, and then the Parasite pipes up. He says that Rebecca's fellow writers insisted she sleep inside. This is one way to put it. Another way would be to say that they screamed and threatened lives.
I don't think they had to twist many arms. I happen to know there was a confessional with Tate addressing the camera about how this sounded like a good idea, but that he didn't want to do it now. Aww.
Anyway, the Parasite says, a compromise is reached. She's sleeping in the entranceway. Technically inside.
Seth: Uh...doesn't that sort of cut back the drama?
Was that Seth or Brian asking? Never mind. It does, but only a little, and this show, if you're paying attention is about twelve people becoming friends. The only contest on this show that matters is writer versus their own book. And, as if to prove my point, Tracy and Rebecca have sneaked next door to the bar for a drink, and Marty has tracked them down. He had some money left over on his spree and bought chocolates for everyone. Because he is my new imaginary boyfriend. Don't tell him, he'll blush.
Seth: (shifting over uncomfortably) Uh...are you....
Oh, what's the matter Seth? Are you scared you're going to trip and go down on me? Nobody makes as many cheap gay jokes as you do without having some issues. I'm bi. Whatever. Relax. I'm not into frat boys who do voices for a living.
Marty joins them, and then Nancy shows up. I suspect her booze sense was tingling. "Somewhere," Nancy says, looking up suddenly, "a writer is drinking beer. I like beer."
Tracy is now eye-fucking the camera and suggesting that one night, the writers should sneak away to an undisclosed location for a drink. Good luck with that, hon. Marty suggests an underground novel reading and pit-bull fight.
How much do you want to bet he and the station receive letters from people about this? Oh wait...I think the contestants and their friends and families may be the only ones watching.
The Parasite takes us back to several quick shots of the writers at their keyboards, and there's Gayleen getting down with her bad self. The transition here is from the excitement of the challenges and post-challenge antics to the serious night's work of writing. This was a major part of the weekend. Really, most of the work was done in those hours between being hassled and sleeping.
Marty and Rebecca are not slipping back into it, so we see Rebecca teaching Marty to juggle. This is very sweet stuff. This is why I tune in. She's really good at explaining it, and he's picking it up pretty good for a guy who's just starting.
The Parasite seems to disagree, advising him to keep his day job. Shut up, scab they hired so as to not pay Rachel to do the rest of her job as the host. Grrrrr.
Seth: (as Peter) Woah, what the hell? That is not cool? What'd he do?
That's it.
(shoots Seth MacFarlane in the face, body drops)
I'm sorry about that. It was a bad idea having him here. I know you'll miss new episodes of Family Guy. I will too. I really do like it. Don't worry though, Harvard will spit out a new douchebag soon. It used to be a great school. Now it's a factory for funny douchebags.
Anyway.
Now it's the voyeur cam. Nothing creepy about filming people sleeping with a low-light lens. Seriously, that's just weird.
We see a printer in the throes of a serious technical malfunction. If memory serves, this malfunction was one of many, and the writers had taken to printing hard copy regularly because none of them trusted the servers at all.
Gayleen asks the crew what it would take, financially, for them to turn their heads while the writers go Office Space on the printer. Oh Gayleen, we've been through this so many times, me and you. That is a long term solution to a short term problem. But you're sleep deprived, and so are the other worried people agreeing with you. The cameraman points out, and rightfully so, that he'd be pretty remiss not filming that.
Marty asks what the odds are on somebody throwing a rampage, and from the look in his eyes it appears it may be time for him to put down the pen and kill again. He pulls back his Dark Passenger, and says solemnly that he will trust that whatever pages he's written will remain on the system should it crash. it sounds like a threat.
One by one, we are informed, the writers head to bed, save Rebecca, who, being a supergenius, steals her mattress and takes it into the tent. As near as I can tell, aside from Lorna, who is crashing in a hotel this night, she now has the best shot at restful sleep. She is in a darkened, zipped tent with a good mattress and nobody snoring. Turning your disadvantages into advantages is the sign of a wise warrior.
She is surely savvy enough to have figured this out. She suggests she should roast marshmallows. I'd have loved that.
And now the first commercial break is up. A word on that. Is it just me or, demographically speaking, is this show aimed at women between 40-60 exclusively. I haven't heard a record scratch or anyone using the word "extreme" yet. Hmm.
Seth MacFarlane's body is rotting, by the way, much faster than you'd expect. There's very little smell, though. It's almost like some supernatural force has kept him alive for far longer than the natural lifespan he should have had. Like the last couple of years of his life have been a little sub-par. Almost as if he were exchanging quality for quantity. Like the Simpsons, for just one example.
But back to the show, it's Sunday a.m. and the writers are being observed as they wake up. Gordon makes his way to the keys and he is so exhausted that I can't even enjoy seeing him this way. I worried about Gordon that weekend. He slept the least, and with his partial paralysis, needs to pay attention to things like where his feet are as he walks. He doesn't have the automatic feedback that most people have and can seriously injure himself. I did not want this to happen. He is my friend.
We cut to Jennifer, who has no makeup on right now, though she is in some stylish workout clothes. No jumping rope this morning though.
Ghostly voice of Seth: (as ghostly voice of Peter) I missed seeing this chick skip rope? What a rip.
Begone unclean spirit, the power of Christ compels you.
Ghostly voice of Seth: (as Stewie) You've not heard the last of us, priestly one. (unearthly scream of the banished damned)
Anyway, god love her, Jennifer does not want to be seen sans makeup and has brought a blue feathered mask to conceal her shame. She wears this all the way to the bathroom. No wonder she and Gayleen get along so well. They are crazy in very similar ways
Matthew is interviewed from bed, and discussing how he can't believe there are two more days, and that bedtime that night seems very far away.
Marty is also filmed in bed, and is about as happy as I'd be. See, people, you made fun of her for bringing a tent, but who's laughing now? Nobody. Nobody is laughing now. Sleep deprivation has no winners and losers, just sufferers, and you are all starting to suffer.
Marty is wearing a t-shirt with a CBC logo on it. If this was an American show, they'd digitally blur that logo. This is Canada, we're classier than that.
"And then," the Parasite says, "There are people like Nancy."
Nancy is bright eyed, you might say manic, and bushy tailed. She is well-rested and cheerful, and if I were Matthew, and had just taken that long to find and pick up my own clothing for the day, I'd be inclined to bash her brains in with a chair. Morning people are creepy and weird. Of course, she saved some time by not worrying extensively about her personal hygiene. This is not a cheap shot. She bragged to some of the other contestants about how she didn't need to shower. Her mother, apparently, her MOTHER, once gave her this sage advice, "You've got to wash the tits, pits, and slits." Stay classy, crazy hellcat librarian lady. I wish they'd got THAT on film and aired it. They did not. She tells us that at home she is woken up by any teeny noise, but here, sleeping in a storeroom with 11 other wacko people she didn't hear a thing.
Other wacko people is the best way to phrase that.
James is now giving us a small lesson in "earplugging". The secret he says is to first roll them between thumb and index finger, "gently, like a lover, and then squeeze them into the orifices. Again, gently, like a lover."
I am concerned at the state of sex education in Britain. That's all I am saying. Maybe they teach "earplugging" as a safe sex alternative, like chastity and butt sex.
Lorna is well rested after her night in the hotel and looking forward to getting a lot of work. Rebecca too, as predicted by me, had a great night sleep in a relative way.
Now we're in the ladies' room with the camera crew. Rebecca, Gayleen and Tracy are at the mirror. Tracy wishes the crew dead with her eyes and says, "Oh hey, it's you." Gayleen laughs because she knows that these confrontations are priceless. You need to know Tracy is not kidding. For a chick what signed up for this it seems she had no understanding that this was going to be on TV and she pretty much resented the cameras a lot.
Tracy asks Gayleen if she stayed up all night writing, and she did not. She was up until about four. Rebecca says something I absolutely cannot hear. The audio in this scene is really rough for some reason. Maybe it's the running water, or maybe the camera man was keeping his distance because Tracy looks as though she could honestly go feral right now. And this chick has lived on the streets, she could probably fuck a body up.
Tracy says to the camera guy, "I thought you weren't allowed in the bathrooms. Seriously."
"They're allowed in the bathrooms," Gayleen says. "I think they're not allowed in the stalls or something." You think? Or something. I'd like to interview past Gayleen and have her elucidate on her train of thought.
Past Gayleen: What? What do you want?
Uh. Nothing. You just finish putting on your makeup.
Past Gayleen: Are you sure? Because I'd love to talk. Really. I have nothing better to do as I try desperately to write a freaking book with a camera up my nose. I'd love to just sit here and….
No, really, it's okay.
Ghostly voice of Seth: (as Stewie) No, no, I'm just messing with you. The afterlife is pretty neat. This whole haunting the living thing is…well…it's no substitute for killing Lois, but it's great. It's great.
(facepalm) This is so out of hand. Wait a second. I have a dose of a freaky ghost. I'd think I d' better call…
(door smashes open and proton accelerators are brandished. Spengler, Stantz, Venkman and Zeddemore fire multicoloured streams of light at the hovering presence and after a very expensive moment, the threat has passed)
Thanks.
Stantz: No need to thank us sir. We're professionals.
Venkman: Will that be cash or Visa?
I'll get back to you on that later.
Anyway, back in the ladies' room Tracy says she can't believe she slept almost ten hours. For a moment Gayleen proceeds with her ablutions, and then stops. "I just processed that," she says, "You did what now?"
Apparently Tracy feels good. I bet. I can't say this enough, if you are playing the home game, do not skimp on sleep. Seriously.
Gayleen explains that her worst fear was that she'd be woken up by the camera crew ten minutes before a challenge at ten in the morning. Tracy offers that they might take the challenge right to her bed. "Write, monkey, write!" She gets it.
Gayleen asks what would happen if you didn't show up for a challenge. It's a good question. Nobody tested it. Tracy brushes theatrically for the camera, annoyed and then tells them to get out because she has to pee.
Having established the scene the writers are asked about their writing. Paul has made good progress but is still a little behind where he'd like to be. Gordon has crossed 10,000 and things are flowing. Then we cut to Matthew.
Matthew's outline is a series of stick figure cartoons describing each chapter. It is a ridiculously wasteful use of the allowed outline space, but I love him to tiny bits. I have rarely laughed so hard at any of the surprises I've had.
Lorna's goal was to write three of her nine planned parts each day, and she is just shy of her goal.
Back to Matthew, he's talking about how he's writing a book about surviving members of sets of twins, so he's had to come up with a lot of deaths. This has been a challenge for him. Apparently he has never worked retail. I spent years planning so many. So very many, and wishing so many more. Anyway, he had finally decided on a diving accident for this one death and accidentally typed "dining accident". Naturally, when fate throws you a fish like that, you snap it from the air with your pointy snout and chirp for another. Also, I'm a dolphin now.
Gordon slept off an on for two to three hours. I think that's a generous estimate. He feels like the book is a monster hanging over his head.
And now we're in the commercial break. I'm sorry, Dr. Venkman. Thanks for waiting. Here's my card.
Declined? What happens now?
(Spengler looks to his colleagues and they go for a conference in the corner)
And we're back from that break.
We start with a confessional from Tracy. I pause the video and go get some popcorn. This should be legend...wait for it...ary.
What was that? I don't quote Barney from How I Met Your Mother, and even if I did that's like two seasons ago, that catchphrase. What have you done to me?
Venkman: Nobody stiffs the Ghostbusters.
(Ghostbusters leave)
Uh-oh. Anyhow. Oh look there's Marty and we're back to Tracy who is apologizing to the cameramen and crew. Marty is beginning to tire of the spectators, but trying not to be mean about it. Oh, look it's James.
James is telling us this is the first weekend since he was 12 that he has been sober the whole time. Huh.
Back to Marty, who is suffering for his local fame a little.
Now James is holding up his "shaking" hand. Then he says, "Thank you Book Television". Excellent piece of deadpan humour/confession from the darkest heart of the soul.
Tracy now is apologizing in advance for tomorrow. Heh.
Paul is browsing book titles for inspiration, and he returns to his desk with "A Great Deliverance" and "Fiasco", his two possibilities for the day.
And now we're into a challenge. There's host Rachel, who I've seen naked.
(head shake)
Okay, that was weird, I haven't quoted that catchphrase in 20 years. But seriously, I have seen her naked. In Chatelaine magazine, of all places. I swear I only read it for the articles. It always freaks me out when I'm reading a magazine and I see someone that I know completely nude. After that pictorial of my Mom and all my great aunts, you'd think I'd have learned. Sadly no.
Rachel asks the poor bastards how they are. They mumble as a group. What happened to the cheerful, enthusiastic crowd from yesterday? Ha! We are introduced to Melissa, the new judge for the day, and Rachel tells them not to think the day will go any better because Faust is gone. Well, for my part, it's nicer to look at anyhow.
The challenge for the day is, in 3 minutes, to write a love scene. Oh dear god, this is the cruelest challenge ever. Did they have to spring it as the first challenge out of the gate with a chick judge.
This is more sexist that the swimsuit competition for the "Lady Nobel" the year Marie Curie won for being so very slim.
Oh God. Oh Jesus no.
Back to the show, the winner is supposed to receive a website designed by book TV. Marty points out that Paul has an advantage as he has "The Idiot's Guide to Writing Erotic Romance". This is hilarious and true.
Melissa gives her criteria, explaining that she is not looking for letters to Penthouse. Rachel says she wouldn't mind. Neither would I. I am totally looking for letters to penthouse. Send them to me at letterstopenthouse@fishclock.ca.
Best letter wins the prize nobody claimed last week.
And 3…2…1…infuriating quick cuts… and stop.
Gayleen is first off, and that love scene is not from her book I can tell you. Her book is entirely about dudes and was, at that time, sex free. It's not badly written, but her heart is not in this. She does not embarrass herself, though she did run howling from the room like a banshee when we watched it.
Marty's (what we hear of it) is short and sweet, but not evocative of passion or strong feeling. He is very uncomfortable reading it, too.
Jennifer's is a romance novel, as it happens, so…well. It's not so good, though again, we're only seeing excerpts.
James' is not a love scene. Again, he and I are kindred spirits. He avoided the contest here by making it a sort of non-love scene. A scene about love scenes. It's a viable way to take it. Three minutes is not enough time to be sure you're going to get it right. A bad love scene is excruciating and totally embarrassing in a way you can tend to duck with most other kinds of writing.
Paul's is dirty. A woman has a kissable puss. This is a comedy, and as such, he's playing it for laughs. His has an actual song in it. Which he sings. Badly. It's a hoot.
Matthew comes out of nowhere with a gay love scene that is both tender and hot without being explicit or gross. I am proud of him for having the guts to do that on TV, and for doing it so damned well.
Nancy's is just crude. "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours." Seriously. Are you Robert Heinlein in a wig? Really? That was less romantic than that romantic comedy starring Sigourney Weaver and Billy Bob Thornton as registered sex offenders on a work release program in Alabama.
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
Gordon's love scene is between a kidnapper and his victim. Again, I can see going there. Again, not a love scene.
Joe's is very short, and seems, from what we see, to focus on love at a distance.
Rebecca's is also short, and very sweet. Not in the least embarrassing. I think in this contest she's a front runner.
We close on Paul finishing his song. Once again Lorna get's no screen time here, nor Tracy. What is the deal with that. Lorna is fucking absent from this show. Why? God knows she's photogenic. I know she might not be the most outgoing person on the show, but she's not the least outgoing. It's baffling. I love you, Lorna, for what that's worth.
Melissa breaks down the losers, saying that everyone did a good job under pressure. Gordon and Jennifer hit the bottom two. Melissa spanks Gordon for being funny but ducking the contest, which he did. Also, I think she's totally correct in pointing out this is non-consensual and therefore creepy. Jennifer she spanks for using the word supple three times in one paragraph. That is too many times. Of course, thanks to the editing, WE DIDN'T SEE THAT. It's not a reason for her to be spared, but it does FEEL like she's being punished for no reason. Jeez. Get with it. If it's important later, don't cut the damned footage. Jennifer is singled out to receive the punishment.
Marty asks when Faust is coming back. Everybody laughs. Good Joke. Not really a joke. Ha. Ha.
The top three are Marty, Matthew and James, and James is eliminated for ducking the game, and Marty for not having the erotic side. Matthew wins it. YES!
And we see Matthew and Jennifer side by side. Rachel asks Jennifer how she feels being a loser. Nice. Jennifer says she stands by her work. Don't. Supple. Three times. One paragraph. Take your medicine. We've all done something that bad. I once wrote a paragraph with the word "pricy" in it seven times. It's okay to be wrong.
Now they're asking Melissa how she felt judging people. Nobody asked Faust that. That's because he has a penis, and it's expected that he doesn't care. Melissa explains that it's hard to do it, as her usual role as an organizer of the contest is to be supportive. Sigh. I know it's true, and she's just being honest, but I find this whole segment really patronizing. "It's hard for women to be aggressive and make decisions, that's why we pay them less."
I respect the shit out of this woman, why the romance challenge and then THIS. Grr. Sexism.
Back to the contestants, Matthew is doing well being light and glib. Rachel asks him if writing the scenes is embarrassing, awkward, does it turn him on? I love Rachel. She's a superfreak, the kind you don't take home to mother. So many people would just be so bland in her shoes. She has fun. Matthew laughs that off and says that every good novel needs a love scene. Like Judgement at Nuremberg.
Okay he doesn't say that. I do.
But hey, at least nobody wrote a scene in which a strong confident woman is raped by an architect and immediately falls in love with him. Unlike Ayn Rand.
I wish that woman was alive again just so I could murder her.
Ghost of Seth: (as Brian) Wow, you really have some anger management issues. All you seem to talk about is murder, and then there was the whole, you know, actually murdering us thing. I don't think I want to be in your head pulling your strings. It's dark in there, man.
You think I don't know that? You think I don't lay awake nights waiting for my own inner voices to stop screaming?
Ghost of Seth: Wow, is that the time….
Fine! Leave me. Leave me like they all leave me, you bastard. Who needs you! Not me.
(sobs through next week previews, which show a spelling bee to be imminent. I like spelling bees. Can I play? No. Nobody plays with you. You're worthless. You're worthless and nobody will ever love you.)
And in the credits we see Gordon complaining about how he was profiled in Reader's Digest with his wife and dog, and twice over the next month people walked up to him because they recognized the dog.
Well, man, what can I say. You're great and all, but people love dogs.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Hang on a sec...
I'm working on the cap as we speak. I've had one of those stupid busy weeks, and only watched the show last night. By tonight, I promise.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Episode 3: The Storm lets out a kind of sad fart
If you were here last week, then you'll see that I had a pretty good time last episode. Lots of chances to see the contestants being themselves, and only a couple minor annoyances. This week, honestly, is pretty dull going. This is really inexcusable considering they had the most genuinely TV friendly challenge of the bunch. So, I'm cueing up the tape to do it again, but it's not going to be easy to be civil or interesting.
We have the traditional last week recaps, customary for these reality shows, especially frustrating this time around, knowing that these episodes were to be 48 minutes originally and are now at 24 minutes. Wasting a full minute on this recap is frustrating. I get it, you want new viewers caught up, but man. Anyway.
And we're into the credits. You know I think one of those shadow boxers is Todd Babiak. Am I wrong?
We jump straight into the Saturday afternoon challenge. Oh goody, you know I love these. What fresh hell is this one? Oh right. Rachel asks the writers to, in three minutes, write a scene evoking the setting, using a character from their novels, but it is soon revealed this was a bait and switch. The challenge is really about critical review. Each contestant will read out what is written. They are to listen to the person on their left, and will have three minutes to write a critique.
Two points: First of all, this is finally a challenge, in my opinion, that is actually about writing. Critique is absolutely vital. With out the ability to give, receive, and thoroughly appreciate critique, you're doomed. So good for the producers, especially as it's not a very photogenic endeavour. Secondly, please note that three contestants have no one to their left. The editors have done a good job hiding this clusterfuck, which, at the time led to a complicated conversation about who, exactly, was to listen to whom. The contestants are sleep deprived. What was everyone else's excuse?
The winner of this contest receives a manicure and a night in the hotel. Okay, the only prize anyone wants at this point is free time. The hotel is nice, but it does pull you away from your computers, doesn't it? No sudden getting up and working. The manicure is a time suck. No prize.
Faust, in his Malcolm X t-shirt, still reminding us as hard as he can that he is hip, edgy, black, and political, reveals that the loser will be sleeping out in the parking lot. Which is a whole thing, in fact I suspect next episode will be ALLLLL about what happened there. It was not a good idea and, in time, all realized this.
The contestants are actually horrified. Far more than the producers realized. For they could see the downside perhaps more acutely than the producers had considered while rubbing their hands in nasty glee at a planning session weeks or months earlier.
Paul is first up to read his piece. It's straight description, and kind of dull, something I would not have expected possible for his book. But then, and I say this for all of them. Three minutes is not oodles of time to prep anything that rules. Gayleen is up next, and hers is a bit more evocative of place, but not her best. Jennifer describes a dress rather than a setting. I'm not sure why. Gordon uses some nice language in his description, and more writerly than you'd expect from him. I liked it. Nancy's is kind of bland. Tracy's is interesting in that it describes an unusual setting and occurrence, water dripping, presumably from a pipe, onto someone, but the language is a bit clunky. This brings me to Rebecca. Once again, she is trying too damned hard in her piece. She has way too much going on here, and it's pretty much terrible. Considering that she is well-spoken and bright, I have to think that these challenges throw a whammy on her. Lorna's is full of very nice language, but I honestly have no idea what she's describing. This, I should say, may be the editing. Marty manages to write about something ghastly while not being involving, and I'm not sure how. I don't think anyone was in this particular challenge with much vigour.
We cut to Faust, who explains, apparently for the uneducated masses that are the demographic for BOOK FUCKING TELEVISION, what a critical review is. We jump right into the reviews.
Jennifer reviews Paul, saying that it was energetically described and evocative. Unfortunately she doesn't say why, or what could be better, which is, after all, kind of the idea. Tracy reviews Gayleen, saying what worked, and suggesting that claustrophobia might have been better put across by using the character's senses rather than just saying it. It's a pretty solid comment, and I know Gayleen has found it useful a lot since then. Gordon reviews Nancy, saying that he liked the sensory evocations that Nancy did use to effect, but offers no suggestions for improvement. Marty points out that Jennifer's writing was good, but that the setting was not described. A dress was. Just so. James reviews Lorna, praising her for her economy of language in her first section, but saying the language fell a part a bit at the end. In the part we didn't hear at all. Which is not so good from a program standpoint, but, what can you do. it's a good bit of critique, and I'm unsurprised. James has proven himself to me on this point already. Rebecca critiques Gordon, by which I mean, rephrases what Gordon wrote, but in her own words. Le sigh. Lorna critiques Marty, saying that sickly does not go with the word sweet smoothly. This is, of course, crazy, as "sickly sweet" is a common phrase. Perhaps too common, and that would be fair game. She does, however, pull a brilliant thing out of her hat right after saying the writing is powerful but needs more immediacy. She suggests writing in the present tense. I think this is a brilliant idea for Marty's first person zombie tale. So kudos to her. And several of the reviews are not chosen to be shown. Which is good for time, I guess, and I think most of the interesting ones made it. It was a long time ago, though.
Faust explains that he was looking for details, and diplomacy. Rebecca and Gordon made it to the low rung. Tracy, Lorna, and Marty make it to the high rung. This is all okay by me.
Rebecca is chosen as the loser. And Lorna is the winner, which is fine. Either Tracy or Lorna deserved that one. I think Tracy maybe deserved it a little more, but whatever.
And we're at the "after the break" previews, with the contestants showing their dismay at Rebecca's forthcoming punishment. And no wonder. Consider this. They were all friends at this point, and they were told that this young girl was to sleep, unaccompanied, in a tent in the parking lot in the middle of the night. In a major city. With no security. In the fall. Hells to the no. Rebellion is brewing.
Back from the break, the contestants are doing studio interviews about rejection. Aside from, apparently, Nancy, everyone has their share of rejection letters. Of course they do. It's hard out there for a pimp. I'm shopping a book right now, and I'd be grateful for a rejection letter. I'd know someone had seen my fucking manuscript. Anyway…James gets the last word with "What can you do? The world is full of idiots." Writers should have that all over their workspace.
We cut to Lorna, who is very happy, not so much, I think for winning as not losing. Rebecca is being hugged by Jennifer and says, "You guys are more upset than I am." And they are. They really are, babes. You didn't know the half of it even then. And this incident is why I don't just like these people, but flat out love them. They understood, without needing it explained to them, that they were a team. It's not a contest so much with each other, but against the situation. This was the thing that really caused them to clench together as a team. At this point, the production staff should probably have given up trying to spark tension between them. I think they even did.
Lorna says that she does not want Rebecca outside. Rebecca explains she's been offered cars to sleep in, and blankets. She is unaware, I think, of the serious intent to sneak her back in the building if need be.
We cut to Jennifer who is feeling for Rebecca now, and no wonder. She's lost three challenges in a row, and that has got to suck for morale. Yet, she earns respect by being utterly decent about it. She also shows she has the good sense to know that the challenges will not make or break her actual book.
Rebecca mentions that there have been a couple of protests int he confessional, and sure enough there are Lorna and Nancy expressing disbelief and disapproval. They say it's crazy. And so it is.
And here's Matthew saying fierce again, and then the contestants go to dinner. And we find that the judges are reconsidering the punishment. As if they had a choice.
Tracy is asked if she's where she wants to be right now. She says no. Now, they're asking about her pace here, but they could as easily have been asking her about the contest. She did not want to be there anymore. I, myself, talked her out of quitting once. I know her fellow contestants did too.
We cut to Gayleen being asked the same question. She explains that she thought she had to hit 50,000 words this weekend, and on arrival found out the actual number was 20-3000 words, so she, as it happens, is in a pretty good mood.
Paul is right where he wants to be, Jennifer is a bit behind schedule but happy with her work, and editing on the fly. Marty is aiming for 30- 35 pages a day. Jennifer and Marty also are asked how their holding up. Both are shaky but stable. Joe is worried that she will wear down, and is considering daytime naps. I'd say that's a good idea when you take into account all the real work got done at night.
Tracy says the lack of creature comforts is "conflicting". I think she means distracting. As a friend said to me, "Wasn't she a street kid?" Huh.
Paul seems to be finding sleeping on the bunk beds difficult, and I can get that. Matthew has energy, but is losing short term memory. Marty finds the challenges throw off his momentum, and drag him out of his work. Gayleen says she finds them nerve-wracking. I think what she meant was "a dreadful waste of time, and only leading to pain for both winners and losers". I might be wrong.
James, taken out of context, states the obvious. "You're trying to write a novel, but then, you're trying not to lose the challenges." Yes, that's correct. Now look, I've been hard on James here, but this time I'm speaking up for him. Why use that clip? I mean, honestly. I know he's very photogenic and his voice is pretty to listen to, but I'm sure he said something more interesting than that. It's like having James Earl Jones on the show saying, "You use a bathroom to relieve yourself, but then you comb your hair."
Gordon, with one sleeve rolled up, and one down, and wearing horizontal stripes, is not having the best fashion day of his life. He says the challenges and the cameras are affecting him more than he expected they would. This is probably true, but I think the sleep deprivation hurt him worse.
And after the break we have…another challenge. Man. Okay, at least this one was entertaining live. Mostly. But two in an episode. That might have been cool in a full length episode but it's a total bummer here. Especially with this challenge.
We are introduced to the Raving Poets Band, who will be accompanying the writers as they perform an excerpt from their books. That is kind of a cool idea, and live, we had a good time by and large. Of course, I've done the math, and twelve contestants at five minutes each equals roughly five times the remaining time in the episode which means they are going to either butcher the performances or not use them all. I don't like either option. Let's see what they do.
Faust explains that the ability to be interesting while reading is essential for the touring writer. This is an utter lie. The prize for the winner is a 300 dollar Chapters shopping spree. The two losers will clean the bathrooms.
We see James yell "Good evening Edmonton," and cut to Jennifer and Joe and Nancy introducing themselves. Paul reads a short segment, a good beginning. Tracy is singing, though to be fair, so is her character, but I don't like it, and then looks to the band for a cue and falters while reading. Joe reads confidently and smoothly, but with no interaction to the music. We get a snippet from James, well read, but not acted as the character, nor, again, enhanced by the music. Not in this tiny little piece out of context. Which is, as I feared, the problem. A lot of these performances worked because they built a rhythm and pace. Grr. Nancy is reading a little too loudly. Jennifer is staring at her page, reading well, but not performing. Paul is reading and performing, but his eyes are locked to his page. He's in his own world, which works for me, oddly, but not, I think, for most people. Lorna is just reading. Tracy is acting better now, but reading a little less well. Joe gets off a funny line, which is a good choice for the contest. "I laughed like a happy stoned person, which made sense because I was a happy stoned person". She takes advantage of the performance aspect because that is a lot funnier coming from her that it would be from James or Rebecca, for example. We cut back for another piece of James and another piece of Jennifer, and I'm already annoyed because there's no context to any of it for the viewers.
We take a halftime break and Faust is seeing some quality but is hoping to see a break out. We cut to Matthew who is reading a bit too stagily for my tastes. It's not Canadian poet voice, but its close. Marty is reading very well, and performing his guts out. This is also true of Gayleen, who uses a character voice, the first time the viewers are seeing one. Gordon is reading hard and vividly, but with total indifference to the music. Back to Marty, he's very into it, and switching up voices. Rebecca, thank god, is doing really well. She's relaxed, using her hands, and in time with the tune. She not only isn't losing, she maybe could even place, based on the little pointless tiny clips we're seeing. We're back to Matthew, who is reading a little better, then to Rebecca, still in swing, and to Marty, who tracks a severed head with fingers and eyes to the ground for a big finish. Gayleen has the last word, finishing with a flourish and quite enjoying it. The crowd applauds, and should.
This was so much better live. A real lost opportunity, and it's sad to see it edited down into something that seemed a lot more mediocre than it was. Anyhow, Faust's bottom three are: Jennifer, Paul and Tracy. Paul is looking really nervous here, obviously thinking, "Two bathrooms here, and I'm the only dude." He needn't have worried. He's safe. Tracy and Jennifer are on swab detail.
The top three are James, Marty, and Matthew. Gayleen was robbed here. Matthew, sad to say, in my opinion did not deserve that place. Marty, here, however wins, and rightly so.
When asked why he won, he says he picked a shorter piece. This is totally right. Some of the people here picked pieces much too long.
And now we have the next week previews. Rebecca pitching her tent, Marty buying his books, and Jennifer cleaning the bathroom in a dress and a wrap.
As the credits roll we find that Marty is delighted to have won because he has a toilet phobia so bad that he can't even clean his toilet at home.
TMI, my friend.
And so we come to the end of episode three, to my mind the most wasted of the episodes so far. I hope episode four is a vast improvement.
See you then.
We have the traditional last week recaps, customary for these reality shows, especially frustrating this time around, knowing that these episodes were to be 48 minutes originally and are now at 24 minutes. Wasting a full minute on this recap is frustrating. I get it, you want new viewers caught up, but man. Anyway.
And we're into the credits. You know I think one of those shadow boxers is Todd Babiak. Am I wrong?
We jump straight into the Saturday afternoon challenge. Oh goody, you know I love these. What fresh hell is this one? Oh right. Rachel asks the writers to, in three minutes, write a scene evoking the setting, using a character from their novels, but it is soon revealed this was a bait and switch. The challenge is really about critical review. Each contestant will read out what is written. They are to listen to the person on their left, and will have three minutes to write a critique.
Two points: First of all, this is finally a challenge, in my opinion, that is actually about writing. Critique is absolutely vital. With out the ability to give, receive, and thoroughly appreciate critique, you're doomed. So good for the producers, especially as it's not a very photogenic endeavour. Secondly, please note that three contestants have no one to their left. The editors have done a good job hiding this clusterfuck, which, at the time led to a complicated conversation about who, exactly, was to listen to whom. The contestants are sleep deprived. What was everyone else's excuse?
The winner of this contest receives a manicure and a night in the hotel. Okay, the only prize anyone wants at this point is free time. The hotel is nice, but it does pull you away from your computers, doesn't it? No sudden getting up and working. The manicure is a time suck. No prize.
Faust, in his Malcolm X t-shirt, still reminding us as hard as he can that he is hip, edgy, black, and political, reveals that the loser will be sleeping out in the parking lot. Which is a whole thing, in fact I suspect next episode will be ALLLLL about what happened there. It was not a good idea and, in time, all realized this.
The contestants are actually horrified. Far more than the producers realized. For they could see the downside perhaps more acutely than the producers had considered while rubbing their hands in nasty glee at a planning session weeks or months earlier.
Paul is first up to read his piece. It's straight description, and kind of dull, something I would not have expected possible for his book. But then, and I say this for all of them. Three minutes is not oodles of time to prep anything that rules. Gayleen is up next, and hers is a bit more evocative of place, but not her best. Jennifer describes a dress rather than a setting. I'm not sure why. Gordon uses some nice language in his description, and more writerly than you'd expect from him. I liked it. Nancy's is kind of bland. Tracy's is interesting in that it describes an unusual setting and occurrence, water dripping, presumably from a pipe, onto someone, but the language is a bit clunky. This brings me to Rebecca. Once again, she is trying too damned hard in her piece. She has way too much going on here, and it's pretty much terrible. Considering that she is well-spoken and bright, I have to think that these challenges throw a whammy on her. Lorna's is full of very nice language, but I honestly have no idea what she's describing. This, I should say, may be the editing. Marty manages to write about something ghastly while not being involving, and I'm not sure how. I don't think anyone was in this particular challenge with much vigour.
We cut to Faust, who explains, apparently for the uneducated masses that are the demographic for BOOK FUCKING TELEVISION, what a critical review is. We jump right into the reviews.
Jennifer reviews Paul, saying that it was energetically described and evocative. Unfortunately she doesn't say why, or what could be better, which is, after all, kind of the idea. Tracy reviews Gayleen, saying what worked, and suggesting that claustrophobia might have been better put across by using the character's senses rather than just saying it. It's a pretty solid comment, and I know Gayleen has found it useful a lot since then. Gordon reviews Nancy, saying that he liked the sensory evocations that Nancy did use to effect, but offers no suggestions for improvement. Marty points out that Jennifer's writing was good, but that the setting was not described. A dress was. Just so. James reviews Lorna, praising her for her economy of language in her first section, but saying the language fell a part a bit at the end. In the part we didn't hear at all. Which is not so good from a program standpoint, but, what can you do. it's a good bit of critique, and I'm unsurprised. James has proven himself to me on this point already. Rebecca critiques Gordon, by which I mean, rephrases what Gordon wrote, but in her own words. Le sigh. Lorna critiques Marty, saying that sickly does not go with the word sweet smoothly. This is, of course, crazy, as "sickly sweet" is a common phrase. Perhaps too common, and that would be fair game. She does, however, pull a brilliant thing out of her hat right after saying the writing is powerful but needs more immediacy. She suggests writing in the present tense. I think this is a brilliant idea for Marty's first person zombie tale. So kudos to her. And several of the reviews are not chosen to be shown. Which is good for time, I guess, and I think most of the interesting ones made it. It was a long time ago, though.
Faust explains that he was looking for details, and diplomacy. Rebecca and Gordon made it to the low rung. Tracy, Lorna, and Marty make it to the high rung. This is all okay by me.
Rebecca is chosen as the loser. And Lorna is the winner, which is fine. Either Tracy or Lorna deserved that one. I think Tracy maybe deserved it a little more, but whatever.
And we're at the "after the break" previews, with the contestants showing their dismay at Rebecca's forthcoming punishment. And no wonder. Consider this. They were all friends at this point, and they were told that this young girl was to sleep, unaccompanied, in a tent in the parking lot in the middle of the night. In a major city. With no security. In the fall. Hells to the no. Rebellion is brewing.
Back from the break, the contestants are doing studio interviews about rejection. Aside from, apparently, Nancy, everyone has their share of rejection letters. Of course they do. It's hard out there for a pimp. I'm shopping a book right now, and I'd be grateful for a rejection letter. I'd know someone had seen my fucking manuscript. Anyway…James gets the last word with "What can you do? The world is full of idiots." Writers should have that all over their workspace.
We cut to Lorna, who is very happy, not so much, I think for winning as not losing. Rebecca is being hugged by Jennifer and says, "You guys are more upset than I am." And they are. They really are, babes. You didn't know the half of it even then. And this incident is why I don't just like these people, but flat out love them. They understood, without needing it explained to them, that they were a team. It's not a contest so much with each other, but against the situation. This was the thing that really caused them to clench together as a team. At this point, the production staff should probably have given up trying to spark tension between them. I think they even did.
Lorna says that she does not want Rebecca outside. Rebecca explains she's been offered cars to sleep in, and blankets. She is unaware, I think, of the serious intent to sneak her back in the building if need be.
We cut to Jennifer who is feeling for Rebecca now, and no wonder. She's lost three challenges in a row, and that has got to suck for morale. Yet, she earns respect by being utterly decent about it. She also shows she has the good sense to know that the challenges will not make or break her actual book.
Rebecca mentions that there have been a couple of protests int he confessional, and sure enough there are Lorna and Nancy expressing disbelief and disapproval. They say it's crazy. And so it is.
And here's Matthew saying fierce again, and then the contestants go to dinner. And we find that the judges are reconsidering the punishment. As if they had a choice.
Tracy is asked if she's where she wants to be right now. She says no. Now, they're asking about her pace here, but they could as easily have been asking her about the contest. She did not want to be there anymore. I, myself, talked her out of quitting once. I know her fellow contestants did too.
We cut to Gayleen being asked the same question. She explains that she thought she had to hit 50,000 words this weekend, and on arrival found out the actual number was 20-3000 words, so she, as it happens, is in a pretty good mood.
Paul is right where he wants to be, Jennifer is a bit behind schedule but happy with her work, and editing on the fly. Marty is aiming for 30- 35 pages a day. Jennifer and Marty also are asked how their holding up. Both are shaky but stable. Joe is worried that she will wear down, and is considering daytime naps. I'd say that's a good idea when you take into account all the real work got done at night.
Tracy says the lack of creature comforts is "conflicting". I think she means distracting. As a friend said to me, "Wasn't she a street kid?" Huh.
Paul seems to be finding sleeping on the bunk beds difficult, and I can get that. Matthew has energy, but is losing short term memory. Marty finds the challenges throw off his momentum, and drag him out of his work. Gayleen says she finds them nerve-wracking. I think what she meant was "a dreadful waste of time, and only leading to pain for both winners and losers". I might be wrong.
James, taken out of context, states the obvious. "You're trying to write a novel, but then, you're trying not to lose the challenges." Yes, that's correct. Now look, I've been hard on James here, but this time I'm speaking up for him. Why use that clip? I mean, honestly. I know he's very photogenic and his voice is pretty to listen to, but I'm sure he said something more interesting than that. It's like having James Earl Jones on the show saying, "You use a bathroom to relieve yourself, but then you comb your hair."
Gordon, with one sleeve rolled up, and one down, and wearing horizontal stripes, is not having the best fashion day of his life. He says the challenges and the cameras are affecting him more than he expected they would. This is probably true, but I think the sleep deprivation hurt him worse.
And after the break we have…another challenge. Man. Okay, at least this one was entertaining live. Mostly. But two in an episode. That might have been cool in a full length episode but it's a total bummer here. Especially with this challenge.
We are introduced to the Raving Poets Band, who will be accompanying the writers as they perform an excerpt from their books. That is kind of a cool idea, and live, we had a good time by and large. Of course, I've done the math, and twelve contestants at five minutes each equals roughly five times the remaining time in the episode which means they are going to either butcher the performances or not use them all. I don't like either option. Let's see what they do.
Faust explains that the ability to be interesting while reading is essential for the touring writer. This is an utter lie. The prize for the winner is a 300 dollar Chapters shopping spree. The two losers will clean the bathrooms.
We see James yell "Good evening Edmonton," and cut to Jennifer and Joe and Nancy introducing themselves. Paul reads a short segment, a good beginning. Tracy is singing, though to be fair, so is her character, but I don't like it, and then looks to the band for a cue and falters while reading. Joe reads confidently and smoothly, but with no interaction to the music. We get a snippet from James, well read, but not acted as the character, nor, again, enhanced by the music. Not in this tiny little piece out of context. Which is, as I feared, the problem. A lot of these performances worked because they built a rhythm and pace. Grr. Nancy is reading a little too loudly. Jennifer is staring at her page, reading well, but not performing. Paul is reading and performing, but his eyes are locked to his page. He's in his own world, which works for me, oddly, but not, I think, for most people. Lorna is just reading. Tracy is acting better now, but reading a little less well. Joe gets off a funny line, which is a good choice for the contest. "I laughed like a happy stoned person, which made sense because I was a happy stoned person". She takes advantage of the performance aspect because that is a lot funnier coming from her that it would be from James or Rebecca, for example. We cut back for another piece of James and another piece of Jennifer, and I'm already annoyed because there's no context to any of it for the viewers.
We take a halftime break and Faust is seeing some quality but is hoping to see a break out. We cut to Matthew who is reading a bit too stagily for my tastes. It's not Canadian poet voice, but its close. Marty is reading very well, and performing his guts out. This is also true of Gayleen, who uses a character voice, the first time the viewers are seeing one. Gordon is reading hard and vividly, but with total indifference to the music. Back to Marty, he's very into it, and switching up voices. Rebecca, thank god, is doing really well. She's relaxed, using her hands, and in time with the tune. She not only isn't losing, she maybe could even place, based on the little pointless tiny clips we're seeing. We're back to Matthew, who is reading a little better, then to Rebecca, still in swing, and to Marty, who tracks a severed head with fingers and eyes to the ground for a big finish. Gayleen has the last word, finishing with a flourish and quite enjoying it. The crowd applauds, and should.
This was so much better live. A real lost opportunity, and it's sad to see it edited down into something that seemed a lot more mediocre than it was. Anyhow, Faust's bottom three are: Jennifer, Paul and Tracy. Paul is looking really nervous here, obviously thinking, "Two bathrooms here, and I'm the only dude." He needn't have worried. He's safe. Tracy and Jennifer are on swab detail.
The top three are James, Marty, and Matthew. Gayleen was robbed here. Matthew, sad to say, in my opinion did not deserve that place. Marty, here, however wins, and rightly so.
When asked why he won, he says he picked a shorter piece. This is totally right. Some of the people here picked pieces much too long.
And now we have the next week previews. Rebecca pitching her tent, Marty buying his books, and Jennifer cleaning the bathroom in a dress and a wrap.
As the credits roll we find that Marty is delighted to have won because he has a toilet phobia so bad that he can't even clean his toilet at home.
TMI, my friend.
And so we come to the end of episode three, to my mind the most wasted of the episodes so far. I hope episode four is a vast improvement.
See you then.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Episode 3: The Recaplet
Okay, so I got my hands ona copy a little earlier than usual, and I managed to watch it. I think I'll take my time on the recap this week.
The entire episode consists of two challenges. Both of them better than average, and both of them butchered in editing. I suspec this is because they compressed the episode to half it's original length.
This episode was, I'm sorry, just kind of...dull. Even the recap is unlikely to be exciting, but I'll do my best to at least try. I just don't have it in me to watch it again tonight.
It was just a lost opportunity. On the other hand, I think it mostly set up next week's episode. I expect that one to be much better, insofar as shit will happen that aren't challenges.
The entire episode consists of two challenges. Both of them better than average, and both of them butchered in editing. I suspec this is because they compressed the episode to half it's original length.
This episode was, I'm sorry, just kind of...dull. Even the recap is unlikely to be exciting, but I'll do my best to at least try. I just don't have it in me to watch it again tonight.
It was just a lost opportunity. On the other hand, I think it mostly set up next week's episode. I expect that one to be much better, insofar as shit will happen that aren't challenges.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Episode 2: Storm? What Storm?
It's time for the second episode recap, and I feel the need for something of a preface. I am concerned that I may have hurt or offended some people last week. Naturally, this was not my intention. Recapping is a new internet art form, and it's still in development. This may be the first time the recapper has personally known the participants, and it may, therefore seem more…well…personal. I admit, it's a little weird, even for me. I swear it isn't meant to be cruel.
It's a very time consuming process, and you need to understand the aesthetic is that you are watching the show with your very snarkiest friend. You know the one, the one whose motto is "If you can't say anything nice, sit right down here next to me". Still, you understand, you are watching this show together every week. Clearly, you must have a strong emotional investment in the show.
So please, everyone, especially Todd and Faust, on whom I have been, and, I expect, will continue to be ragging upon, understand that this comes from a deep love.
I love the people I met during the taping. I love the camera guys and production staff who made it and designed the show. I love that the show was made at all. I love the whole thing in a very family based way.
But still, you know, your sister's reality show married a doctor. Also are you sure you're okay? Do you need some money? You look tired.
So I'm ribbing, and saying what I think is wrong with it, but it's love. I swear.
Also, I'm a little pissed off at Book TV. I don't like what they've done in waiting so long, and Im not wild about the compression. I am not wild about the way in which I think they have misunderstood some things. And I may vent a little.
So yeah. Anyway. Please stop hating me, if you do. And if you can't, then by all means defend yourself :)
And James, while having your website link to Guinness amused me greatly, surely you could drop me a line with a better place to point those who want to learn more about you? I'm just saying.
Onward...
This episode opens with a brief restatement of the show, and finally, we get to see some of the behind the scenes people rolling out wire and placing lights. This pleases me because they had a big part to play, obviously, in the proceedings. We then see some quick replays of the contestants arriving. They move the camera in a big sweep around the table.
The first contestant singled out by name in the review is Gayleen, who as the Parasite says "came prepared for anything". We see my huge, huge ass, and then the shot of her pulling out turkey jerky, and every legal stimulant under God's blue heaven. And her tent pole. And rightly so, for this is an excellent way to define her for the viewers.
Incidentally, it does need to be said that what I did actually like about the first episode was the introductions to everyone. In a very short period of time we got a taste of everyone. This was a pretty amazing confluence of good footage and good editing. Would that the whole show had been devoted to that instead of devoting so much time to the challenge and the pontification of the judges.
But back to this week's episode, they cut to a quick replay of the pitch challenge from last week, starting with Faust telling the writers that they are "nobodies sitting on the street corner" and cutting, once again, to James' ass. It's a very nice bottom, but does it need more screen time? Oh well, I prefer it to his pitch, which is what we hear next. I'd have probably done the same thing. So if I sounded harsh last week about it, and let's be real, I did, it's probably because I hate myself.
We cut to Paul's wonderful pitch and unjust excoriation, and a replay of his confession booth decision to destroy his outline and start anew with his insane and delightful second idea.
Rachel's countdown is replayed, and the Parasite asks the question, "Can 12 writers living in a bookstore write 12 novels in just 72 hours?"
Yes.
"Who will achieve literary acclaim," he continues,"and who will fail? Whose novel will get published and who is destined to keep trying?"
Wow, there's a lot wrong there. First of all, and I don't mean to belittle the contest, but literary acclaim? That's a pretty hefty thing to throw out there. Who will fail? Considering that they KNOW everyone finishes, I'd probably choose not to pursue that path. Whose novel will get published? Now, if I remember, the winner of the contest was supposed to be serialized in the Alberta Writer's Guild magazine. That does count as publishing. However, it feels to me like the new team editing the show have confused the overall contest for the show here. Also? What of the five thousand dollars? The twelve of them were competing for five grand. Somebody won it. We saw it, we were there.
It seems pretty peculiar not to mention that. What the hell is up with that? Anyone have any ideas why? I mean, bad enough that they're sort of pretending this happened in September 2009, but to not mention the prize? Why? I admit, this had to be pointed out to me, and now that I've seen it, it's really bugging me.
But I digress.
The parasite closes with "Some of these questions will be answered in this segment of the 3 day novel contest."
But that is an utter lie. None of those questions are resolved in this episode. Why would they be? Nonsense.
And we're into the credits, slightly expanded from last episode, but gratefully they haven't decided to use the cute labels that each contestant was given. I've forgotten most of them. Poor Matthew, they saddled him with "The Toronto." I remember that. I'm like, way to cast him as the villain to half the country while saying nothing about him. Headshake. At least he is allowed to look properly smoking hot in his credit roll after the unfortunate intro segment of last episode.
The Parasite sets the scene, it's early, early in the morning, after the store is locked. Now my attention is rapt because this is the part of the show I actually wasn't there to see. So, like, now, I'm just a viewer like the rest of you.
Gayleen's eyes are bloodshot as hell, and we cut to Jennifer. In sweats.
Record scratch. I back it up.
"Jennifer," I exclaim to Gayleen, a foot away, "is in SWEATS."
"Oh yeah," she says, "Once the crowds were gone, she totally dressed down."
I feel a little cheated, as I liked to picture her at 3 am typing in a cocktail dress, while those around her grew more and more subhuman and disheveled. And of course, this was her cunning plan.
By 1 a.m. or thereabouts we find Paul has written 1500 words. Not too bad considering he's making it up out of whole cloth. Marty does a confessional around this time and lets us know he's done the first section of twenty-two and is heading to bed.
He's not the only one, and we see James in his bunk shirtless and wearing a sleep mask. I like to think he does that at home too, but I'm guessing it was a special occasion.
On her way to the bunk room, Nancy is asked by the camera person if she got a good start. Nancy responds that she doesn't know, and they'll have to get back to her in the morning. I know that feeling pretty well.
We see Gordon's confessional, taped at an undetermined time. He's at 1100 words, which is 700 ahead of where he thought he'd be. For all of that, he sure doesn't look like a guy having fun. He looks like a guy who needs to go to bed. He looked like that come the morning too. I don't know if he actually DID sleep. I can't remember. Perhaps this episode will refresh me.
The camera person asks Rebecca if she's still feeling energetic. The answer, in short is no. She's looking pretty good, but there's a waver of exhaustion that voice. I recommend sleep.
We're back to Gordon's confessional, and he tells us that if the rest of the weekend goes this well, he's feeling pretty good about it. I'd hate to see him feeling rough about it.
Paul decides to retire after finishing his first chapter at 2200 words. He seems really delighted with his new toy, and I'm happy to see that. I think the secret to the contest, honestly, is to fall in love with your book regardless of its warts. I think he already has. Good for him.
Joe, conversely feels that her book is going in a "workman-like flow" and she hasn't really got it where she wants it, but that it will come when she's not so tired.
Rebecca tells us that she started off with just a few notes and then looked up to see an hour and a half had gone by. That's also probably a good sign.
Okay, Paul appears to, instead still be up. He is concerned about the tone of his book. He is afraid he might be making it too serious. His book. About a squad of elite tap-dancing soldiers. I wouldn't sweat it big guy. The more serious you play that the funnier and sillier it will be. Oh, that's sweet. We see him at the typewriter laughing at something he just wrote. See, that's love. And yeah, okay, maybe laughing at your own material is a little shameful but it is, as the clock on his computer says, 3:41 a.m. Come on.
Apparently his protagonist is suffering from a tap-dance-induced delirium called "tap fever". Jesus I want to read Paul's book. Paul? Buddy? Please?
It's raining outside, and we see Paul is now going to bed. It is 4:30 am, and he doesn't look too tired. Gordon and Rebecca are still up. Gordon. Go to bed. Jesus.
Jennifer gets up at around this point. In sweats. It seems she had a character perking away in her mind, and had to get up to develop her. We see her workspace, and it has little lights on it. We see her screen, and the word "kinky" front and center. She claims motherhood and nursing babies have prepared her for this event. Probably true.
Tracy is still up, and she is in a foul little mood. She seems VERY hostile to the camera, but at least she is honest about it.
At 4:45 Jennifer is in confessional. She is the only one up. She explains that Tracy is drifting in and out. She comes out, writes a couple of lines down, and heads off to get more sleep. In and out, in and out.
I bet the others loved that. I'm amazed she wasn't strung up by a lynch mob.
The camera man is in her face again. It turns out she's just back from a 5 minute sleep. Apparently she just had a good idea and needed to write it down. I understand that process, but we also find that her computer has crashed all the way out. This is a plot thread left to dangle. Apparently it all turned out for the best. At this point it looks as though she may have lost her files. She seems awfully at peace with that, considering.
We cut to Jennifer, apparently sleeping in her chair, feet up on the table, head in hands. ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: Sympathy evoked. Ah. She tells us she grabbed a catnap. She's a little too aware of everyone else's breathing pattern. On that topic, Gordon is, at this point, asleep. I'm a little astonished, from what the contestants told me, that we can't hear his snoring in these scenes.
Outside it's early dawn, and inside we see Matthew carrying a change of clothing someplace, presumably the bathroom. It must be nice to look that cute when you first wake up in the morning. I don't look that cute at…I never look that cute. I think I hate him a little here.
Nancy is unspeakably chipper as she turns on her computer. Tracy seems to be both amused and horrified at the sight of it.
Gordon looks like a man who slept for an hour, and now has a camera in his face.
Out in the parking lot, Jennifer is skipping rope and being interviewed. She describes the first night as surreal, and says that the contestants seemed to be experiencing angst. I'd call it exhaustion. But you call it what you like, and just keep skipping. Eye candy, baby. This is great television. She says the cardio helps her brain fire more accurately. Hooray for cardio.
From the sublime to the ridiculous, we cut to Gayleen by her tent, which is labeled in black as "Gayleen's Happy Place". It is 9:30 in the morning. She has chosen, wisely, to sleep long enough to not be destroyed physically. Rachel is interviewing her. She is using, also wisely, her don't poke the bear voice. She asks how Gayleen slept. Gayleen says she doesn't know how she slept. She slept about three hours and doesn't know why. I can't tell if she is being funny here, and pretending not to realize that Rachel was inquiring as to the quality of her sleep and how the tent worked to that goal, or if she is just being hilarious by accident. Gayleen informs me that she intended to be funny, here. Okay.
Rachel asks about Gayleen's setup. Gayleen demonstrates basic literacy by reading the sign on her tent, and then explaining that it is a tent. Rachel asks if the organization is going to translate to Gayleen's writing. Gayleen says she doesn't know but is reassured to be prepared for every eventuality. Ha! I'd like to see her cope with the other contestants turning into flesh hungry slavering undead monsters! Ha! Didn't prepare for that, did you?
Oh, earthquake, flood, and tornado, sure. But let's see your precious SAS Survival handbook save you from brain feasting!
We go to a preview of what's coming up after the break. A fucking challenge. Faust is, at least, wearing a suit. See, the suit works. The tie adds a nice African feel, but it's restrained and cool. Also, he is blessed with a very appealing bald head. Show that cue ball off, my friend.
The challenge will be to produce a scene with conflict involving their main character. Well, at least that isn't some totally bogus thing like the last challenge, but I don't see it being such great TV. We'll find out in just a moment.
Let me take a moment while we're here in commercials to go off for a second again about why the challenges are so useless. Up until this point, eight minutes or so into the episode I am engaged in the narrative of the weekend. We've been meeting people and seeing them in the act of the work itself and it has NOT been dull. Now we're going to cut to them sitting perfectly static in 3 rows of four, scribbling for a few minutes and then reading. Some will be good readers, and some not, but it will be the same shot over and over. THAT is boring and static. It's the opposite of what these should be. The only tension comes from the potential punishments. Winning doesn't really have an effect on the process. So, aiming for the middle is a good option. That's dreadfully Canadian, but in the worst way.
Also, I don't think that writers should have to be performers. I know they picked this crew to be a little more alive than most writers on camera, and good, but, again. I don't like penalizing the meek. Glowing prose, badly read is going to lose to bad prose well performed in a setup like this. It's human nature.
But I digress.
Back from the break, the contestants are sharing the ages at which they decided to be writers. All of them were very young. So was I. James reveals a very adorable thing. His decision to become a writer was a film about Hans Christian Andersen. I think I've seen that movie, and can understand where he was coming from.
Some very nice editing now ensues in which we cut from contestant to contestant, each of them adding words to what seems like a perfectly coherent narrative as to how they became writers. It's tough to recap, but good for you, whoever you are, and I hope it's Bill. Marty and Paul both come from a theatre background.
It is now nine a.m. and we see a long shot of the group. I am there, looking only slightly less corpulent and terrible holding one of Gayleen's dogs, who has come to visit. That footage was shot in the early afternoon. The Parasite is lying to us, people. What's his game?
They decide to check in on the writing process. Gordon explains that a couple of his characters are having some different ideas from what he planned, and that it ticks him off when fictional people talk back. Secretly, I think he loves it. Every writer I know loves it when that's what happens. It helps foster, I think, the idea of the writer as priest and channeller.
Paul is just plugging away typing and waiting to be told which way it wants to go. See? I told you. He's waiting for the miracle.
Gordon is at 3728, and by the end of the day is aiming for 20,000. Joe is more cautious. She expects to do a ragged five pages while the store is open and twenty after closing. That seems entirely sensible from what I could see of the demands of the show. It seems to have been the way of it. Joe seems moderately more comfortable with a camera up her nose than Tracy, but still not wild about it. And, seriously, camera dude, why ask that question? Do you like to get your feelings hurt?
Here we go. Challenge time. Three minutes to write a scene of conflict. Faust is looking for character, plot and language. Faust explains you may have to hook a publisher with three pages. Which is true. Much truer than the last one. So which is it, huh? HUH?
Oh right, there WAS a prize for this challenge. The winner gets their manuscript professionally edited by the Alberta Writer's Guild. Aim for the middle, team. You have no idea who you're getting there. You might get the best editor in Western Canada. On the other hand you might get your manuscript edited by a writer of cat poetry who has been revising the same 35 page poem called "My Precious Perfect" since 1973. Anyway.
The loser is going to have to write on an antique manual typewriter by the front door for two hours, or give up the last three pages. I would give up those three pages... but whatever.
Let's zoom and move the camera for a while to try and make the physical act of writing interesting, and cut to Marty in progress. Zombie attack! Cut to Matthew, bear hug attack! Cut to Gordon, sardonic dead hairdresser found! Cut to Nancy, um…moment without context attack! Cut to Jennifer, mild disagreement about bridal show! Um.. I mean mild disagreement about bridal show. Cut to Joe, pod person attack misunderstood as transgendering attack! Ha. Cut to Paul, Nazi chorus boys attack! Boffo! Cut to Rebecca, unintentional overuse of adverb attack! Cut to Gayleen, domestic abuse attack! Cut to James, catty bitch attack!
The editors wisely jumped quickly from writer to writer, not always showing the whole bit. Aside from Paul and Joe's there's really nothing that jumped out here as great. No slight against the writers, it's hard to have conflict without context. That said, Jennifer and Nancy seem to have a different sense of conflict than I do. Rebecca's was, I'm sorry, just not well written. It was sloppy. None of the others were flat out sloppy.
Why were Lorna and Tracy not even shown? What's up with that? Oh well. On to the judging.
Nancy and Rebecca are singled out as the losers, but Faust is fairly merciful. Rebecca is selected for the punishment, and she is clearly disappointed, but sucks it back, and plays it with a lot of grace in the next few seconds. Good for her, embracing the thing as just one more part of the game.
The top three were Paul, Jennifer, and James. I don't get you Minister Faust. Paul, of course, is a given here. His was a stand out scene that made everyone laugh, was written in the perfect tone, and stood on its own without the need for propping up. Jennifer's was not a scene of conflict in this reporter's opinion. I think Joe would have placed top three, but James is a better reader. This isn't a dig at James, just pointing out the problem I mentioned before. James' bit isn't bad or anything, but it's not better than Joe's. He just performs it, where Joe doesn't. One minor thing, "Crack Whore Monthly" is a cliche in need of retiring.
So we get our first contest: In the comments section I invite you to come up with a more insulting magazine to feature on. The winner will receive a very small prize. The loser will receive nothing but scorn.
I won't bitch too much, because Faust does get the actual winner right, and Paul is vindicated in the eyes of show for jumping to a new idea, and succeeding at it.
Paul is a graceful winner. Rebecca is a graceful loser. Minister Faust is not entirely infuriating this time. Bonus points all around.
Rebecca has chosen the typewriter over losing the three pages, because she's very attached to them. Fair enough.
Coming up, the Parasite tells us, the contest is taking its toll.
Back from the break, We are with Marty, who discusses his hobbies. Apparently, he's a nerd. If he isn't writing, then he's writing. James likes to make films. Matthew acts and does improv. Nancy apparently has done a lot of TV commercials, some in Japan, and we see a lot of shots her in her home. Oh saucy librarian lady, you delight me. Gayleen reveals that SHE is in fact the biggest nerd, and talks about D&D and LARP. This causes her physical pain to watch because everyone else, she thinks, is coming off as doing worthwhile things. Whatever. I'm just glad to see her flying that freak flag high. Gamers can use some more positive role models out there. There are some shots of our gamer buddies in costume. Hee.
Paul discusses that his whole life is either consuming entertainment and pop culture. Hence the loneliness. And, again, we're not seeing a lot of the others. I guess they were just too damned boring for this wacky compressed 22 minute version of the show. We wouldn't want to lose those challenges though, boy howdy are they great.
Grumble.
Paul and Marty and James are in confessionals happy not to have lost the challenge. Marty takes the time to thank the mystery fans that left him the gift of a head band at his computer. Marty is just the nicest guy in the world. I bet he eats babies in his off hours. He must do.
Gordon describes the challenges as "interrupting". I can tell he feels as I do. I could tell this even if he hadn't loudly proclaimed his hate for them a thousand times over the weekend. He was on a roll and feels his train of thought was broken. He hopes to burn on and hope exhaustion doesn't hit.
Rebecca is tip-tap-typing away with a smile, and tells us she hopes the sound is distracting the hell out of the others. Sadly, hon, they could barely hear you, but if it makes you feel better, they all felt bad for you. I remember this very acutely. There was no gloating. Her pace is slow, but she does seem to be progressing.
We cut to Joe who is lying on her back with a bag of ice, dealing with a nosebleed. This was fucking terrible and, for obvious reasons, show can't talk about it much. The show had a hotel room and the contestants were given leave to go there and shower periodically in shifts. During Joe's shift, something happened and she got a terrible nosebleed. She asked the hotel staff at the DELTA EDMONTON SOUTH to help her, and they basically half-ass threw her out of the hotel as an annoyance. No concern, no compassion. None. Just take your bleeding elsewhere. I wanted to go down there with a baseball bat and start fucking the place up X-Men style. I refrained. We were all very upset by it though.
Anyway. This is after the worst of it, and for some reason the camera guy is right up her nose. I guess I can't blame him. It's drama. However the guy taunts her, asking how tough this will make it to meet her goal. Instead of springing to her feet, grabbing the camera and beating the man to death with it, she simply says that she expects it won't help. God love the graceful. She even manages a stiff upper lip laugh.
Hey, there's Lorna, who we see NOTHING of this episode. She has had an okay first night and it feels like a strange camping trip. Matthew says he's stayed in hostels worse than this. I'd be curious to hear some of those stories. Did they film you in those hostels? Because if they did, I bet they weren't really hostels. Nancy tells us that the experience has been odd, and not in the ways she expected. Lorna says her ideas are starting to flow more smoothly now.
Joe is back at the keys, bleary eyed, and exhausted talking about washing the blood off her face and gives a smile that is genuinely adorable and open. Nancy finds that the rhythm of her writing has been affected by the situation. Tracy says she's found her niche and the writing is going well. She then says she is running on nothing but "adrenaline and cr- (slight pause)caffeine" Oh dear. She says that she may be crying by the end of the day.
Having lost two hours to the nosebleed, Joe gets back to it. we cut to Matthew who reminds us, ironically that the loser of the challenge also lost two hours. He is grateful not to have lost precious time.
Rebecca, we see, has found a groove and is doing well. An adorable moppet is standing several feet away watching her. Go role model Rebecca! Woo! And bonus points for the inappropriate use of Negro spirituals to complain about mild inconvenience!
She and her seven pages are warmly welcomed back to the table by Matthew.
We see Joe and Matthew both saying the first day was harder than anticipated. Matthew describes the challenges as "fierce" which is, I'm sorry, too gay even for him. James hopes for pleasant mediocrity from this point out. This is Canada, I'd bet on that, Jamie. Heh.
And now we're into the previews of next week. There are many shots of people stating their word counts with a fair amount of consistency across the board. Rebecca is about nine hundred words behind, and no wonder. We see a taste of the next challenge, as James screams "Good Evening Edmonton", like a very civil rock star. We see the penalty for this challenge is to spend the night sleeping in the parking lot. Therein lies a tale I hope we see a lot of next week.
There are some obligatory shots of tired people, and then James thanks Book TV for making the weekend dreadful, Rebecca sneaks to bed, and we see Jennifer getting her dress zipped up for her.
And we're out.
So, that wasn't so bad now, was it?
See you next week.
It's a very time consuming process, and you need to understand the aesthetic is that you are watching the show with your very snarkiest friend. You know the one, the one whose motto is "If you can't say anything nice, sit right down here next to me". Still, you understand, you are watching this show together every week. Clearly, you must have a strong emotional investment in the show.
So please, everyone, especially Todd and Faust, on whom I have been, and, I expect, will continue to be ragging upon, understand that this comes from a deep love.
I love the people I met during the taping. I love the camera guys and production staff who made it and designed the show. I love that the show was made at all. I love the whole thing in a very family based way.
But still, you know, your sister's reality show married a doctor. Also are you sure you're okay? Do you need some money? You look tired.
So I'm ribbing, and saying what I think is wrong with it, but it's love. I swear.
Also, I'm a little pissed off at Book TV. I don't like what they've done in waiting so long, and Im not wild about the compression. I am not wild about the way in which I think they have misunderstood some things. And I may vent a little.
So yeah. Anyway. Please stop hating me, if you do. And if you can't, then by all means defend yourself :)
And James, while having your website link to Guinness amused me greatly, surely you could drop me a line with a better place to point those who want to learn more about you? I'm just saying.
Onward...
This episode opens with a brief restatement of the show, and finally, we get to see some of the behind the scenes people rolling out wire and placing lights. This pleases me because they had a big part to play, obviously, in the proceedings. We then see some quick replays of the contestants arriving. They move the camera in a big sweep around the table.
The first contestant singled out by name in the review is Gayleen, who as the Parasite says "came prepared for anything". We see my huge, huge ass, and then the shot of her pulling out turkey jerky, and every legal stimulant under God's blue heaven. And her tent pole. And rightly so, for this is an excellent way to define her for the viewers.
Incidentally, it does need to be said that what I did actually like about the first episode was the introductions to everyone. In a very short period of time we got a taste of everyone. This was a pretty amazing confluence of good footage and good editing. Would that the whole show had been devoted to that instead of devoting so much time to the challenge and the pontification of the judges.
But back to this week's episode, they cut to a quick replay of the pitch challenge from last week, starting with Faust telling the writers that they are "nobodies sitting on the street corner" and cutting, once again, to James' ass. It's a very nice bottom, but does it need more screen time? Oh well, I prefer it to his pitch, which is what we hear next. I'd have probably done the same thing. So if I sounded harsh last week about it, and let's be real, I did, it's probably because I hate myself.
We cut to Paul's wonderful pitch and unjust excoriation, and a replay of his confession booth decision to destroy his outline and start anew with his insane and delightful second idea.
Rachel's countdown is replayed, and the Parasite asks the question, "Can 12 writers living in a bookstore write 12 novels in just 72 hours?"
Yes.
"Who will achieve literary acclaim," he continues,"and who will fail? Whose novel will get published and who is destined to keep trying?"
Wow, there's a lot wrong there. First of all, and I don't mean to belittle the contest, but literary acclaim? That's a pretty hefty thing to throw out there. Who will fail? Considering that they KNOW everyone finishes, I'd probably choose not to pursue that path. Whose novel will get published? Now, if I remember, the winner of the contest was supposed to be serialized in the Alberta Writer's Guild magazine. That does count as publishing. However, it feels to me like the new team editing the show have confused the overall contest for the show here. Also? What of the five thousand dollars? The twelve of them were competing for five grand. Somebody won it. We saw it, we were there.
It seems pretty peculiar not to mention that. What the hell is up with that? Anyone have any ideas why? I mean, bad enough that they're sort of pretending this happened in September 2009, but to not mention the prize? Why? I admit, this had to be pointed out to me, and now that I've seen it, it's really bugging me.
But I digress.
The parasite closes with "Some of these questions will be answered in this segment of the 3 day novel contest."
But that is an utter lie. None of those questions are resolved in this episode. Why would they be? Nonsense.
And we're into the credits, slightly expanded from last episode, but gratefully they haven't decided to use the cute labels that each contestant was given. I've forgotten most of them. Poor Matthew, they saddled him with "The Toronto." I remember that. I'm like, way to cast him as the villain to half the country while saying nothing about him. Headshake. At least he is allowed to look properly smoking hot in his credit roll after the unfortunate intro segment of last episode.
The Parasite sets the scene, it's early, early in the morning, after the store is locked. Now my attention is rapt because this is the part of the show I actually wasn't there to see. So, like, now, I'm just a viewer like the rest of you.
Gayleen's eyes are bloodshot as hell, and we cut to Jennifer. In sweats.
Record scratch. I back it up.
"Jennifer," I exclaim to Gayleen, a foot away, "is in SWEATS."
"Oh yeah," she says, "Once the crowds were gone, she totally dressed down."
I feel a little cheated, as I liked to picture her at 3 am typing in a cocktail dress, while those around her grew more and more subhuman and disheveled. And of course, this was her cunning plan.
By 1 a.m. or thereabouts we find Paul has written 1500 words. Not too bad considering he's making it up out of whole cloth. Marty does a confessional around this time and lets us know he's done the first section of twenty-two and is heading to bed.
He's not the only one, and we see James in his bunk shirtless and wearing a sleep mask. I like to think he does that at home too, but I'm guessing it was a special occasion.
On her way to the bunk room, Nancy is asked by the camera person if she got a good start. Nancy responds that she doesn't know, and they'll have to get back to her in the morning. I know that feeling pretty well.
We see Gordon's confessional, taped at an undetermined time. He's at 1100 words, which is 700 ahead of where he thought he'd be. For all of that, he sure doesn't look like a guy having fun. He looks like a guy who needs to go to bed. He looked like that come the morning too. I don't know if he actually DID sleep. I can't remember. Perhaps this episode will refresh me.
The camera person asks Rebecca if she's still feeling energetic. The answer, in short is no. She's looking pretty good, but there's a waver of exhaustion that voice. I recommend sleep.
We're back to Gordon's confessional, and he tells us that if the rest of the weekend goes this well, he's feeling pretty good about it. I'd hate to see him feeling rough about it.
Paul decides to retire after finishing his first chapter at 2200 words. He seems really delighted with his new toy, and I'm happy to see that. I think the secret to the contest, honestly, is to fall in love with your book regardless of its warts. I think he already has. Good for him.
Joe, conversely feels that her book is going in a "workman-like flow" and she hasn't really got it where she wants it, but that it will come when she's not so tired.
Rebecca tells us that she started off with just a few notes and then looked up to see an hour and a half had gone by. That's also probably a good sign.
Okay, Paul appears to, instead still be up. He is concerned about the tone of his book. He is afraid he might be making it too serious. His book. About a squad of elite tap-dancing soldiers. I wouldn't sweat it big guy. The more serious you play that the funnier and sillier it will be. Oh, that's sweet. We see him at the typewriter laughing at something he just wrote. See, that's love. And yeah, okay, maybe laughing at your own material is a little shameful but it is, as the clock on his computer says, 3:41 a.m. Come on.
Apparently his protagonist is suffering from a tap-dance-induced delirium called "tap fever". Jesus I want to read Paul's book. Paul? Buddy? Please?
It's raining outside, and we see Paul is now going to bed. It is 4:30 am, and he doesn't look too tired. Gordon and Rebecca are still up. Gordon. Go to bed. Jesus.
Jennifer gets up at around this point. In sweats. It seems she had a character perking away in her mind, and had to get up to develop her. We see her workspace, and it has little lights on it. We see her screen, and the word "kinky" front and center. She claims motherhood and nursing babies have prepared her for this event. Probably true.
Tracy is still up, and she is in a foul little mood. She seems VERY hostile to the camera, but at least she is honest about it.
At 4:45 Jennifer is in confessional. She is the only one up. She explains that Tracy is drifting in and out. She comes out, writes a couple of lines down, and heads off to get more sleep. In and out, in and out.
I bet the others loved that. I'm amazed she wasn't strung up by a lynch mob.
The camera man is in her face again. It turns out she's just back from a 5 minute sleep. Apparently she just had a good idea and needed to write it down. I understand that process, but we also find that her computer has crashed all the way out. This is a plot thread left to dangle. Apparently it all turned out for the best. At this point it looks as though she may have lost her files. She seems awfully at peace with that, considering.
We cut to Jennifer, apparently sleeping in her chair, feet up on the table, head in hands. ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: Sympathy evoked. Ah. She tells us she grabbed a catnap. She's a little too aware of everyone else's breathing pattern. On that topic, Gordon is, at this point, asleep. I'm a little astonished, from what the contestants told me, that we can't hear his snoring in these scenes.
Outside it's early dawn, and inside we see Matthew carrying a change of clothing someplace, presumably the bathroom. It must be nice to look that cute when you first wake up in the morning. I don't look that cute at…I never look that cute. I think I hate him a little here.
Nancy is unspeakably chipper as she turns on her computer. Tracy seems to be both amused and horrified at the sight of it.
Gordon looks like a man who slept for an hour, and now has a camera in his face.
Out in the parking lot, Jennifer is skipping rope and being interviewed. She describes the first night as surreal, and says that the contestants seemed to be experiencing angst. I'd call it exhaustion. But you call it what you like, and just keep skipping. Eye candy, baby. This is great television. She says the cardio helps her brain fire more accurately. Hooray for cardio.
From the sublime to the ridiculous, we cut to Gayleen by her tent, which is labeled in black as "Gayleen's Happy Place". It is 9:30 in the morning. She has chosen, wisely, to sleep long enough to not be destroyed physically. Rachel is interviewing her. She is using, also wisely, her don't poke the bear voice. She asks how Gayleen slept. Gayleen says she doesn't know how she slept. She slept about three hours and doesn't know why. I can't tell if she is being funny here, and pretending not to realize that Rachel was inquiring as to the quality of her sleep and how the tent worked to that goal, or if she is just being hilarious by accident. Gayleen informs me that she intended to be funny, here. Okay.
Rachel asks about Gayleen's setup. Gayleen demonstrates basic literacy by reading the sign on her tent, and then explaining that it is a tent. Rachel asks if the organization is going to translate to Gayleen's writing. Gayleen says she doesn't know but is reassured to be prepared for every eventuality. Ha! I'd like to see her cope with the other contestants turning into flesh hungry slavering undead monsters! Ha! Didn't prepare for that, did you?
Oh, earthquake, flood, and tornado, sure. But let's see your precious SAS Survival handbook save you from brain feasting!
We go to a preview of what's coming up after the break. A fucking challenge. Faust is, at least, wearing a suit. See, the suit works. The tie adds a nice African feel, but it's restrained and cool. Also, he is blessed with a very appealing bald head. Show that cue ball off, my friend.
The challenge will be to produce a scene with conflict involving their main character. Well, at least that isn't some totally bogus thing like the last challenge, but I don't see it being such great TV. We'll find out in just a moment.
Let me take a moment while we're here in commercials to go off for a second again about why the challenges are so useless. Up until this point, eight minutes or so into the episode I am engaged in the narrative of the weekend. We've been meeting people and seeing them in the act of the work itself and it has NOT been dull. Now we're going to cut to them sitting perfectly static in 3 rows of four, scribbling for a few minutes and then reading. Some will be good readers, and some not, but it will be the same shot over and over. THAT is boring and static. It's the opposite of what these should be. The only tension comes from the potential punishments. Winning doesn't really have an effect on the process. So, aiming for the middle is a good option. That's dreadfully Canadian, but in the worst way.
Also, I don't think that writers should have to be performers. I know they picked this crew to be a little more alive than most writers on camera, and good, but, again. I don't like penalizing the meek. Glowing prose, badly read is going to lose to bad prose well performed in a setup like this. It's human nature.
But I digress.
Back from the break, the contestants are sharing the ages at which they decided to be writers. All of them were very young. So was I. James reveals a very adorable thing. His decision to become a writer was a film about Hans Christian Andersen. I think I've seen that movie, and can understand where he was coming from.
Some very nice editing now ensues in which we cut from contestant to contestant, each of them adding words to what seems like a perfectly coherent narrative as to how they became writers. It's tough to recap, but good for you, whoever you are, and I hope it's Bill. Marty and Paul both come from a theatre background.
It is now nine a.m. and we see a long shot of the group. I am there, looking only slightly less corpulent and terrible holding one of Gayleen's dogs, who has come to visit. That footage was shot in the early afternoon. The Parasite is lying to us, people. What's his game?
They decide to check in on the writing process. Gordon explains that a couple of his characters are having some different ideas from what he planned, and that it ticks him off when fictional people talk back. Secretly, I think he loves it. Every writer I know loves it when that's what happens. It helps foster, I think, the idea of the writer as priest and channeller.
Paul is just plugging away typing and waiting to be told which way it wants to go. See? I told you. He's waiting for the miracle.
Gordon is at 3728, and by the end of the day is aiming for 20,000. Joe is more cautious. She expects to do a ragged five pages while the store is open and twenty after closing. That seems entirely sensible from what I could see of the demands of the show. It seems to have been the way of it. Joe seems moderately more comfortable with a camera up her nose than Tracy, but still not wild about it. And, seriously, camera dude, why ask that question? Do you like to get your feelings hurt?
Here we go. Challenge time. Three minutes to write a scene of conflict. Faust is looking for character, plot and language. Faust explains you may have to hook a publisher with three pages. Which is true. Much truer than the last one. So which is it, huh? HUH?
Oh right, there WAS a prize for this challenge. The winner gets their manuscript professionally edited by the Alberta Writer's Guild. Aim for the middle, team. You have no idea who you're getting there. You might get the best editor in Western Canada. On the other hand you might get your manuscript edited by a writer of cat poetry who has been revising the same 35 page poem called "My Precious Perfect" since 1973. Anyway.
The loser is going to have to write on an antique manual typewriter by the front door for two hours, or give up the last three pages. I would give up those three pages... but whatever.
Let's zoom and move the camera for a while to try and make the physical act of writing interesting, and cut to Marty in progress. Zombie attack! Cut to Matthew, bear hug attack! Cut to Gordon, sardonic dead hairdresser found! Cut to Nancy, um…moment without context attack! Cut to Jennifer, mild disagreement about bridal show! Um.. I mean mild disagreement about bridal show. Cut to Joe, pod person attack misunderstood as transgendering attack! Ha. Cut to Paul, Nazi chorus boys attack! Boffo! Cut to Rebecca, unintentional overuse of adverb attack! Cut to Gayleen, domestic abuse attack! Cut to James, catty bitch attack!
The editors wisely jumped quickly from writer to writer, not always showing the whole bit. Aside from Paul and Joe's there's really nothing that jumped out here as great. No slight against the writers, it's hard to have conflict without context. That said, Jennifer and Nancy seem to have a different sense of conflict than I do. Rebecca's was, I'm sorry, just not well written. It was sloppy. None of the others were flat out sloppy.
Why were Lorna and Tracy not even shown? What's up with that? Oh well. On to the judging.
Nancy and Rebecca are singled out as the losers, but Faust is fairly merciful. Rebecca is selected for the punishment, and she is clearly disappointed, but sucks it back, and plays it with a lot of grace in the next few seconds. Good for her, embracing the thing as just one more part of the game.
The top three were Paul, Jennifer, and James. I don't get you Minister Faust. Paul, of course, is a given here. His was a stand out scene that made everyone laugh, was written in the perfect tone, and stood on its own without the need for propping up. Jennifer's was not a scene of conflict in this reporter's opinion. I think Joe would have placed top three, but James is a better reader. This isn't a dig at James, just pointing out the problem I mentioned before. James' bit isn't bad or anything, but it's not better than Joe's. He just performs it, where Joe doesn't. One minor thing, "Crack Whore Monthly" is a cliche in need of retiring.
So we get our first contest: In the comments section I invite you to come up with a more insulting magazine to feature on. The winner will receive a very small prize. The loser will receive nothing but scorn.
I won't bitch too much, because Faust does get the actual winner right, and Paul is vindicated in the eyes of show for jumping to a new idea, and succeeding at it.
Paul is a graceful winner. Rebecca is a graceful loser. Minister Faust is not entirely infuriating this time. Bonus points all around.
Rebecca has chosen the typewriter over losing the three pages, because she's very attached to them. Fair enough.
Coming up, the Parasite tells us, the contest is taking its toll.
Back from the break, We are with Marty, who discusses his hobbies. Apparently, he's a nerd. If he isn't writing, then he's writing. James likes to make films. Matthew acts and does improv. Nancy apparently has done a lot of TV commercials, some in Japan, and we see a lot of shots her in her home. Oh saucy librarian lady, you delight me. Gayleen reveals that SHE is in fact the biggest nerd, and talks about D&D and LARP. This causes her physical pain to watch because everyone else, she thinks, is coming off as doing worthwhile things. Whatever. I'm just glad to see her flying that freak flag high. Gamers can use some more positive role models out there. There are some shots of our gamer buddies in costume. Hee.
Paul discusses that his whole life is either consuming entertainment and pop culture. Hence the loneliness. And, again, we're not seeing a lot of the others. I guess they were just too damned boring for this wacky compressed 22 minute version of the show. We wouldn't want to lose those challenges though, boy howdy are they great.
Grumble.
Paul and Marty and James are in confessionals happy not to have lost the challenge. Marty takes the time to thank the mystery fans that left him the gift of a head band at his computer. Marty is just the nicest guy in the world. I bet he eats babies in his off hours. He must do.
Gordon describes the challenges as "interrupting". I can tell he feels as I do. I could tell this even if he hadn't loudly proclaimed his hate for them a thousand times over the weekend. He was on a roll and feels his train of thought was broken. He hopes to burn on and hope exhaustion doesn't hit.
Rebecca is tip-tap-typing away with a smile, and tells us she hopes the sound is distracting the hell out of the others. Sadly, hon, they could barely hear you, but if it makes you feel better, they all felt bad for you. I remember this very acutely. There was no gloating. Her pace is slow, but she does seem to be progressing.
We cut to Joe who is lying on her back with a bag of ice, dealing with a nosebleed. This was fucking terrible and, for obvious reasons, show can't talk about it much. The show had a hotel room and the contestants were given leave to go there and shower periodically in shifts. During Joe's shift, something happened and she got a terrible nosebleed. She asked the hotel staff at the DELTA EDMONTON SOUTH to help her, and they basically half-ass threw her out of the hotel as an annoyance. No concern, no compassion. None. Just take your bleeding elsewhere. I wanted to go down there with a baseball bat and start fucking the place up X-Men style. I refrained. We were all very upset by it though.
Anyway. This is after the worst of it, and for some reason the camera guy is right up her nose. I guess I can't blame him. It's drama. However the guy taunts her, asking how tough this will make it to meet her goal. Instead of springing to her feet, grabbing the camera and beating the man to death with it, she simply says that she expects it won't help. God love the graceful. She even manages a stiff upper lip laugh.
Hey, there's Lorna, who we see NOTHING of this episode. She has had an okay first night and it feels like a strange camping trip. Matthew says he's stayed in hostels worse than this. I'd be curious to hear some of those stories. Did they film you in those hostels? Because if they did, I bet they weren't really hostels. Nancy tells us that the experience has been odd, and not in the ways she expected. Lorna says her ideas are starting to flow more smoothly now.
Joe is back at the keys, bleary eyed, and exhausted talking about washing the blood off her face and gives a smile that is genuinely adorable and open. Nancy finds that the rhythm of her writing has been affected by the situation. Tracy says she's found her niche and the writing is going well. She then says she is running on nothing but "adrenaline and cr- (slight pause)caffeine" Oh dear. She says that she may be crying by the end of the day.
Having lost two hours to the nosebleed, Joe gets back to it. we cut to Matthew who reminds us, ironically that the loser of the challenge also lost two hours. He is grateful not to have lost precious time.
Rebecca, we see, has found a groove and is doing well. An adorable moppet is standing several feet away watching her. Go role model Rebecca! Woo! And bonus points for the inappropriate use of Negro spirituals to complain about mild inconvenience!
She and her seven pages are warmly welcomed back to the table by Matthew.
We see Joe and Matthew both saying the first day was harder than anticipated. Matthew describes the challenges as "fierce" which is, I'm sorry, too gay even for him. James hopes for pleasant mediocrity from this point out. This is Canada, I'd bet on that, Jamie. Heh.
And now we're into the previews of next week. There are many shots of people stating their word counts with a fair amount of consistency across the board. Rebecca is about nine hundred words behind, and no wonder. We see a taste of the next challenge, as James screams "Good Evening Edmonton", like a very civil rock star. We see the penalty for this challenge is to spend the night sleeping in the parking lot. Therein lies a tale I hope we see a lot of next week.
There are some obligatory shots of tired people, and then James thanks Book TV for making the weekend dreadful, Rebecca sneaks to bed, and we see Jennifer getting her dress zipped up for her.
And we're out.
So, that wasn't so bad now, was it?
See you next week.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Caplet 2
I have just watched the second episode, and there's not much to say in a caplet except this: It's better, in my opinion, than the first episode. I have less call to be a totally bitchy prick.
But not no call.
Watching it reminded me again of how much fun the weekend was and, again, what a blast it was to meet such great people.
The recap will show up in a few days here. Monday a.m. at the latest. I have a big weekend, but I'm sure I'll squeeze it in.
But not no call.
Watching it reminded me again of how much fun the weekend was and, again, what a blast it was to meet such great people.
The recap will show up in a few days here. Monday a.m. at the latest. I have a big weekend, but I'm sure I'll squeeze it in.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Episode One: The Storm Gathers (no, it DOESN'T!)
So this is the first recap. Please forgive the doubtless atrocious punctuation and spelling you may encounter. I'm trying to make this quick and dirty.
Okay, here we go. I am seated uncomfortably on a wooden chair near the television in case I need to pause the tape or back it up to quote people. Normal people would use a remote, but I don't know where the VCR remote is. At one point in my life this would have been a huge crisis. I'm a movie nerd, and I must have spent a thousand hours or more in front of this particular VCR. Now it occurs to me that I haven't used it in months. Everything's digital now, and I like it. It's better. Still I feel old, and I'm already involved in nostalgia before the credits roll. Nostalgia is all wrong. I'm here to bring snark.
The show starts with a flash of smoke. That's misdirection. Misdirection is important when you are trying to make something seem exciting when it isn't. 12 people, each writing a book, is not exciting. Not visually, anyhow. It's interesting. It's damned interesting, but it's not exciting. For some reason, though, they want to make this exciting and so they're discussing the contest in voiceover while making a lot of quick video game cuts and shaking the camera. The narrator, is doing a fine job.. but is not Rachel. Rachel is the host. I'm guessing by the time the station actually got around to editing this into a show, she had moved on. After two years, no wonder. The thing is Rachel was great, and I wanted her to narrate. Not this guy. He's fine but he's not the host. I'll call him the Parasite. Which is unkind, but that's the name of this dance.
Oh, here's Rachel. And here are some shots of the poor bastards who are on the show in the middle of the night. There's Gordon brushing his teeth and James in his boxers. Lorna is talking about how the experience is like being drunk, and.. oh look, now the girls are getting drunk at the restaurant next door. Heh.
Now there's Joe on her back dealing with her nosebleed. That is a horrible story, and if they don't talk about it in episode 2, I sure will. I wasn't proud of the service industry that day. Fucking hotel fuckers.
Now they're moving the camera around a lot again as we go to the opening credits to build heat. The credits show the writers all in turn, trying to, apparently make them all look fierce. It's sort of funny, and I think it's meant to be, which is good because a less fierce bunch you are unlikely to meet in this world. They're great people, but they are writers after all. Most writers aren't Hemingway or Bukowski.
And the credits are done, which is good, but at least they were short.
And we're meeting the judges. The Parasite describes them as 3 very qualified wizards of the word. I hate that sentence on so many levels.
The first we meet is Melissa. To explain who she is you need to know that there is the 3 Day Novel show, but there is also the 3 Day Novel Contest overall. Anyone can enter the overall contest from anywhere in the world. We're just here looking at twelve people doing that. One of them will win the show, but not necessarily the overall contest. Okay. Melissa is currently running the overall contest. Has done for years. She is insanely qualified as a judge. Did she just say she'd read over 2000 3-Day novels. Jesus Christ! I've read about six of them and two were my own. I can't imagine reading that many and still wanting to live. Most of them aren't very good, I'm thinking, and a lot of what gets submitted must be actually insane and dreadful.
Oh and now she's saying that, of course, it will be much harder to write under the conditions of the show. Thank you, Melissa, for fuelling G's constant claims and smug satisfaction that my shortlisting last year was a pale achievement compared to her shortlisting while writing on the show. That's just what I needed. Not that she and I are competitive. Anyway….
And here's Todd. Oh, Todd. Melissa seemed so competent and alive. You are about as exciting as a piece of bread soaking in milk. Not all writers belong on TV, and you are one of those. You seem awfully out of your depth and what?
What did you say? Let me back that up. Yes. You did say that.
"Writing stories of this sort, whether it's novels or plays is the hardest work a human can do."
Oh dear. Todd, to quote Jon Stewart of The Daily Show, join me over here on camera three.
You see, Todd, you look to me like an overprivileged white dude in a suit. There is more to you than that. I know. You, like any human being contain depths and mysteries unfathomable. If I didn't love people for their utter fabulousness I wouldn't have to say this to you. You are a fucking asshat.
The hardest work a human being can do. Bitch, please. Coal mining. Picking cotton. Harvesting coffee beans. I worked in a bread factory for two days. Trust me, that's hard work. I have worked on printing presses, and as far as work goes, I'd rather write the books than print them.
Writing is important, and it's challenging, it is not the hardest work a human being can do. It's not even the most important. The degree to which that comment is sheltered, privileged idiocy is hard to fully describe. It's not a good start, my brother. Seriously. You make me want to slap you. In the nuts.
And now here's Minister Faust. His mother didn't name him that, but whatever. He's a writer and a showman, and I respect his work. That said, that hat. Man. I don't want to be insensitive. I'm aware that hat is part of your cultural heritage, and part of your persona, but it makes you look like a fry cook.
And I've missed some things, while ranting, but here's Faust saying the biggest obstacle for the contestants will be insecurity. Huh. The kind that makes people use a fake name and take on a persona? Interesting. I'm just saying. I think there are some cracks in the tough guy facade here.
Todd has just called this an impossible feat. No. Words mean things. Hundreds of people do this every year. All twelve contestants in this show will finish. It's hard, and it's not for everyone, but it's not impossible. Again, it's interesting. Why is interesting such a hard sell?
Faust and Melissa are talking about the advantage of having finished a book before in completing the 3-day. This is extremely fair comment in my opinion. If I hadn't finished my book (some large portion of it that very weekend there in Chapters) I would not have had the balls to do the 3 Day the following year. They are also talking about bloody-mindedness and the the drive to finish. Also important. You need to get totally focused on the experience of the book. No question there.
Of course, I didn't write mine with strangers in front of the cameras. Well, not strangers. Despite what the show will tell you in a few minutes, none of these people were total enigmas to each other. They had been chatting on message boards and emails and by phone for weeks. Everyone had a pretty good sense of everyone.
Oh, hey, Todd said something relevant. He says that some people know how to tell a story and some don't. It's nice to hear non-drivel from him. I think he's right of course. Writing is a skill that you can learn and improve on through discipline, but story is a gift. It's pure talent and I don't think you can learn it, not really.
Now Faust and Todd are talking about how the weekend will be full of surprises. No, not really. The only contest related surprise is coming up, and I don't think it was a total surprise to the person involved, but I'm a cynic and conspiracy theorist at heart.
And after the commercials we'll meet the writers, which is great, because, aside from Melissa, I'm sick of the judges already.
So Lorna, Nancy and Matthew are the first to enter. Lorna is a first generation Lebanese Canadian living in Ontario and working writing for a web company. She comes off as very sweet and approachable and funny, and she is all of those things, and very photogenic.
Matthew is a born and bred Toronto kid, working with deaf students. He is, in person, a very pretty boy, but he's looking like hell in this little section for some reason. I hope this doesn't continue long for he is one of my favourite people and I want him to come off well.
Nancy is a writer and part time librarian living in a little lakeside Ontario town in a gorgeous old house. Okay, is it just me, or will the casual viewer already see that she is the walking stereotype of the buttoned up librarian who is secretly a total hellcat? Well, she totally is a spitfire. I wonder what that kid taking the book from her will think after seeing this show.
The three of them are looking at the bunk beds. Matt is grateful they have railings as he seems to have a rolling problem. Lorna looks very uncomfortable about sleeping in a room full of strangers. Awww princess. On the other hand, Nancy's wild eyes ARE a little scary and so is her apparent espresso buzz.
Next to arrive are Joe and Paul.
Joe is telling us that she was the first woman in South Africa to do a trans-racial adoption. Jesus Christ, I didn't know that. Is there anything this woman hasn't done to earn my fierce love and admiration. I remember in the weeks building up to the contest reading her profile and seeing her picture and being terrified of her. Fucking terrified, because I was afraid she'd be a man-hating political bull dyke type. And of course she is political, and she's a dyke, but there was so much love and humour and warmth to her that I was actually tongue-tied in her presence. As I've said before, she's marched and suffered and bled for every cause I love.
But I digress.
Paul is up now. He works for See magazine in Edmonton. He is a bubbly geeky bald guy. He seems of my tribe, but he also is very private and a little shy. He comes across wildly likable. I did not know he had a law degree. I sure know a lot of people with those who don't practice law. What is the deal with that? He just described himself as a lonely, lonely man. Ah…kidding on the square.
And we're back to Faust and the judges for some reason? What the hell? Shut up judges, none of this babbling about writing matters right now. You had your turn and fucked it up already. We were meeting the cast and liking them.
Oh good, we're back to them now.
Here are Gordon and Gayleen entering, which makes sense as Gayleen picked him up at the airport and he came by to meet the dogs, who loved him madly. Especially Spenser, who chewed his hand for an hour. I love people who love dogs.
The Parasite mentions Gayleen is bringing lots of baggage. Wow, is that a straight line. Anyway, she sure did. And who is that fat ugly guy helping to carry it. You know, that one who looks like a bag of trash with a huge head. Oh yes, that's yr. humble host, shuddering in horror at the sight of himself.
Gayleen is addressing the camera as she unloads Jolt, ginseng, diet cola. She says she's prepared for all eventualities. All eventualities, it seems to me, that require stimulants. Jesus. You know, she didn't even drink caffeine until we started living together. Make of that what you will.
What's that ridgepole for? A tent? Of course, it is.
And here's Gayleen's profile, there's our house and that fat bastard again. Gayleen's music is playing, and they're talking about her many projects and making her look all well rounded and polymathish.
Gordon jumps out of the gate with his partial paralysis as a result of a spinal injury. Way to go for the sympathy…oh no wait, he's making jokes about it. Which is his forte, and… my god he has a lovely home.
And they're interviewing Gayleen back in the store and she's looking really hot there. Neat.
And now they're interviewing Gordon. Also looking good here.
And now Gayleen spits some casual math.
"I've worked it out," she says. "I figure it's coming in at around 17.34 words per minute sustained over 48 hours throughout the 72 hour period…that's my estimate, and I'm thinking if I do that, I'll be happy."
Also she is thinking that you dropped 43 toothpicks, definitely 43, yeah.
Oh, and the Parasite agrees that Gayleen is an intolerable smartypants deserving of sly mockery. Hooray for the Parasite, even if he isn't Rachel.
James and Marty and Tracy are the next to enter. Marty's profile is filmed in a theatre. That's about right. He's comfortable there, but it helps him keep his privacy. Classy, engaging, affable. That's Marty.
Tracy is talking about her life, which has not been easy. She's been a street kid and a druggie, and is now getting her life together. Her vulnerability is a little raw here, and it's the first time the show has been raw. I think if there are real surprises to come, she'll be at the center of them.
James' profile shows him editing film, and there's a clip of him performing what I assume to be a kind of English folk dance. He's English, of course, and has lived all over the place prior to moving to Canada with his Canadian wife, bringing his devilish good looks and accent across the border. Damn his eyes.
Now back in the store, James and Marty both seem surprised that the writer's table is so centrally located. Oh, you poor naive kids. What did you think they'd do? This is supposed to be a spectacle. You're the monkeys in this zoo. Clap your hands and throw faeces now, come on.
Rebecca and Jennifer are coming into the store now. We see Jennifer's profile. She's talking about her house and her kids, and we see her typing there in her gorgeous little house, and now she's dressed up like Marilyn Monroe. She does this semi-professionally as it happens.
Rebecca's profile is a little awkward, but she is refreshingly honest about being sort of awkward and ill-defined, but with aspirations. She seems confused, and a little troubled and sensitive, but very likable. That's pretty accurate, I think.
Back in the store Jennifer is being mocked for bringing more baggage than Gayleen. Which really is a hell of a thing. Also, she's dressed like a movie star, whereas everyone else is business casual. She's a character.
Marty is filmed saying, "We're all cheery and happy and getting along because we just met each other and we're Canadian". And yes, you all are. Which is why I like you. And why Canadian reality shows are not as passionate and hate-fraught as those from our neighbours. Thank you.
And now the Parasite is describing the contestants as possessing wild-eyed naivete. Are we watching the same show? Seriously. I mean, sure, you're reading a script and never met these people. Unlike Rachel, the host.
And the first challenge is coming up after the break.
I will take this opportunity to discuss the challenges. They are a fucking stupid idea. It was an attempt to create competition and animosity and supposed dramatic tension. In actuality, they were mostly a a waste of time, and kind of embarrassing and awkward. Also, the contestants just wanted everyone to be happy and succeed, so there was no real back-stabbery. This one in particular, I remember. It was painful to watch then, and I'm not looking forward to seeing it again. I would have preferred something more co-operative or more designed to share who these people are.
Before I proceed, you need to understand that I do not blame the writers for the debacle I am about to witness. They are all in a strange situation with no idea what to expect, and these challenges are NOT WELL THOUGHT OUT.
Rachel is back, doing her job as host She's introducing Faust who is the judge for this challenge. The challenge, obnoxiously described by Faust, is to create a pitch for your book in 25 words or less. Now they have a point here, in that selling your book is very hard to do. However, this pitch bullshit has no basis in reality. In reality you write query letters and book summaries considerably longer than twenty five words. Writing a pitch like this would be considered annoyingly clever by most editors. You might get to use this pitch once you had a foot in the door and a face to face, but otherwise forget it. What this is, you see, is good for television. These are film pitches, really, and that pisses me off. At least admit you’re playing to inform the audience about the books in a very short soundbite. Don’t pretend this has anything to do with craft. Jesus.
Also, that hat is stupid, too.
Okay, so they have a time limit, and they are told to begin writing. The act of writing is very dull to look at, so let’s shake the camera a whole bunch. Wow, it really seems as though something is happening now, boy howdy.
Matt is the first to pitch his book, which sounds intriguing but there’s no meat there. How could there be? Distilling a whole book to 25 words is fucking impossible. If the book is any good, anyhow. I hate this challenge
Gayleen is next, her pitch is concise but not great. I know her book pretty well, and it's just not able to boil down into that weak a broth.
James’ pitch boils down to “Think Steel Magnolias meets Saw”. I hate that. More on that in a second, as I slap a judge in the nuts again and bitch profusely about the death of culture.
Joe’s pitch is mildly funny, but doesn’t tell me anything about her book, but who cares as this whole exercise is a monstrously stupid waste of time?
Marty’s pitch about his zombie book is well crafted and amusing, and he comes off as humourously self-effacing here.
Paul’s pitch makes me laugh out loud, and the audience as well. “It doesn’t have much of a plot but it does have a lot of lovely descriptions of eating at Tim Horton’s.” In my opinion, his is the winner here so far. I’m not the judge though.
Nancy’s pitch is bland and boring, unfortunately.
Gordon’s pitch is…well it’s Gordon. It does what it says on the tin. If you like that kind of humour, you know what you’re getting.
Lorna’s pitch is very well worded, and I think accurate, but it doesn’t sell me on what makes it stand apart from the dozens of books you could describe with the exact same words.
Tracy’s pitch is nonsense and moondust. I suspect at this point she has no idea what her book is about. Fair enough.
Jennifer’s pitch is really dull, but I like the idea, which leaves me nowhere.
Up last is Rebecca. This pitch is terrible. It’s like a high school poem. Come on girl, you are smarter than that. Sell yourself.
Man. I hate this challenge.
So Faust is now talking about how some got it and some didn’t. He singles Paul out as the loser, which is absolute crap. Of all the pitches, Paul’s was the one that best sold Paul, and best sold his book. It didn’t bore me and it got my attention. Faust deserves a Slap in the Nuts™ for singling Paul out here as the loser. What Paul did was bank on likability. He displayed wit and goofiness, and that pretty much tells you what you're going to get. As far as I'm concerned, he did it right. Of the twelve, his is the only one that really jumped out of the pack for me.
Except for James', but that wasn't good jumping, I'm sad to say.
Faust names the 3 front runners as Joe, James and Matt. My eyes would bug out in shock if I hadn't been there. And Faust awards first place to James. Faust says that he loves phrases like "Steel Magnolia Meets Saw".
Okay. No. This kind of jigsaw puzzle reductionism is the death of discourse. That's a great idea. Let's break down every new piece of art into a frankensteining of previous works. That should be good for art.
Which reminds me, this whole construction of "It's like X meets Y" comes from a particular source. It's not a proud one. It comes from the creative desperation that Universal pictures went through in the forties. Let me explain. From 1931-about 1940 Universal released some of the most loved and successful horror movies of all times. The viewership started to dip. Frankenstein and Dracula and The Mummy and the Wolfman weren't packing seats the way they used to. And so one day, a guy pitched The Wolfman Meets Frankenstein. It was a huge hit. HUGE. For ten years after that, Universal used that format, mixing characters and genres. Abbot and Costello meet Frankenstein. Abbot and Costello meet the Mummy. About two dozen X meets Y films. And that's where that goddamned phrase comes from.
So yeah, great, it's the kind of phrase that tips the film studios in your favour. Is it good art and storytelling? Hell no.
And from what I know of James' book, it isn't accurate either. His book is more like The Descent meets Saw. There's not a lot of supporting loving girl on girl bonding in his story. It's mostly the dark side of female interactions. So where's the contrast?
But anyway, I digress. It's not James' fault that he went for the cheap shot. It worked. It's my fault that I hate the world and most of how it works.
And Faust's hat.
And look, before I continue, I need to say that I love the guy. I know his actual name and all of that. I think he's swell. It's the persona of Minister Faust that annoys me. And actually mostly because I just think his role on the show is damned intrusive.
Oops, now why, James, are you slapping your ass and using the word genius? Why? No. That'll do. Stop. Thank you.
And now they're asking Paul how he feels about being the loooooser. And he's pretty funny about it, considering it's a grave injustice. Happily, this time there's no penalty and the stakes are small. He is feeling trepidation about his book. This sounds like foreshadowing to me. DUN DUN DUNNNNN.
Oh wait, foreshadowing works better if you let it steep, show.
Paul is in the confessional booth and he's tearing up his outline. He's decided to plunge in unprepared with a new idea he's just conceived. Hm. Part of me, a cynical part, thinks Paul has planned this all along. It's great TV and he's sort of sneaky savvy. Just my two cents.
His new idea is to do a novel combining WWII espionage with Broadway song and dance. the other contestants quite rightly are applauding this excellent notion.
Okay, so Rachel is counting down to zero and the writing begins. We cut to the exterior and some fake ass lightning. Ooo, intimidating.
We get some previews. Then over the closing credits, Gayleen is erecting a tent on her top bunk. An actual tent. Because she is crazy like that. She he asks the guys if they've never pitched a tent. One of her classic single entendres. And we close with Tracy asking if the store is clothes optional.
Closing thoughts. I was really grooving on the scenes where the contestants arrived and their profiles, and just as we started to see them interact we went to the frigging-cliched-reality-show-bankrupt-of-imagination-challenge. Though I confess, the challenge DID in fact show us a fair amount of who all the players are. So, a point for the show.
I just pray the judges become less intrusive, and that Todd, in particular, either thinks harder before speaking or gets a better edit. It was a good start but I want more of the people and less of the faux blood and thunder.
See you next week.
Okay, here we go. I am seated uncomfortably on a wooden chair near the television in case I need to pause the tape or back it up to quote people. Normal people would use a remote, but I don't know where the VCR remote is. At one point in my life this would have been a huge crisis. I'm a movie nerd, and I must have spent a thousand hours or more in front of this particular VCR. Now it occurs to me that I haven't used it in months. Everything's digital now, and I like it. It's better. Still I feel old, and I'm already involved in nostalgia before the credits roll. Nostalgia is all wrong. I'm here to bring snark.
The show starts with a flash of smoke. That's misdirection. Misdirection is important when you are trying to make something seem exciting when it isn't. 12 people, each writing a book, is not exciting. Not visually, anyhow. It's interesting. It's damned interesting, but it's not exciting. For some reason, though, they want to make this exciting and so they're discussing the contest in voiceover while making a lot of quick video game cuts and shaking the camera. The narrator, is doing a fine job.. but is not Rachel. Rachel is the host. I'm guessing by the time the station actually got around to editing this into a show, she had moved on. After two years, no wonder. The thing is Rachel was great, and I wanted her to narrate. Not this guy. He's fine but he's not the host. I'll call him the Parasite. Which is unkind, but that's the name of this dance.
Oh, here's Rachel. And here are some shots of the poor bastards who are on the show in the middle of the night. There's Gordon brushing his teeth and James in his boxers. Lorna is talking about how the experience is like being drunk, and.. oh look, now the girls are getting drunk at the restaurant next door. Heh.
Now there's Joe on her back dealing with her nosebleed. That is a horrible story, and if they don't talk about it in episode 2, I sure will. I wasn't proud of the service industry that day. Fucking hotel fuckers.
Now they're moving the camera around a lot again as we go to the opening credits to build heat. The credits show the writers all in turn, trying to, apparently make them all look fierce. It's sort of funny, and I think it's meant to be, which is good because a less fierce bunch you are unlikely to meet in this world. They're great people, but they are writers after all. Most writers aren't Hemingway or Bukowski.
And the credits are done, which is good, but at least they were short.
And we're meeting the judges. The Parasite describes them as 3 very qualified wizards of the word. I hate that sentence on so many levels.
The first we meet is Melissa. To explain who she is you need to know that there is the 3 Day Novel show, but there is also the 3 Day Novel Contest overall. Anyone can enter the overall contest from anywhere in the world. We're just here looking at twelve people doing that. One of them will win the show, but not necessarily the overall contest. Okay. Melissa is currently running the overall contest. Has done for years. She is insanely qualified as a judge. Did she just say she'd read over 2000 3-Day novels. Jesus Christ! I've read about six of them and two were my own. I can't imagine reading that many and still wanting to live. Most of them aren't very good, I'm thinking, and a lot of what gets submitted must be actually insane and dreadful.
Oh and now she's saying that, of course, it will be much harder to write under the conditions of the show. Thank you, Melissa, for fuelling G's constant claims and smug satisfaction that my shortlisting last year was a pale achievement compared to her shortlisting while writing on the show. That's just what I needed. Not that she and I are competitive. Anyway….
And here's Todd. Oh, Todd. Melissa seemed so competent and alive. You are about as exciting as a piece of bread soaking in milk. Not all writers belong on TV, and you are one of those. You seem awfully out of your depth and what?
What did you say? Let me back that up. Yes. You did say that.
"Writing stories of this sort, whether it's novels or plays is the hardest work a human can do."
Oh dear. Todd, to quote Jon Stewart of The Daily Show, join me over here on camera three.
You see, Todd, you look to me like an overprivileged white dude in a suit. There is more to you than that. I know. You, like any human being contain depths and mysteries unfathomable. If I didn't love people for their utter fabulousness I wouldn't have to say this to you. You are a fucking asshat.
The hardest work a human being can do. Bitch, please. Coal mining. Picking cotton. Harvesting coffee beans. I worked in a bread factory for two days. Trust me, that's hard work. I have worked on printing presses, and as far as work goes, I'd rather write the books than print them.
Writing is important, and it's challenging, it is not the hardest work a human being can do. It's not even the most important. The degree to which that comment is sheltered, privileged idiocy is hard to fully describe. It's not a good start, my brother. Seriously. You make me want to slap you. In the nuts.
And now here's Minister Faust. His mother didn't name him that, but whatever. He's a writer and a showman, and I respect his work. That said, that hat. Man. I don't want to be insensitive. I'm aware that hat is part of your cultural heritage, and part of your persona, but it makes you look like a fry cook.
And I've missed some things, while ranting, but here's Faust saying the biggest obstacle for the contestants will be insecurity. Huh. The kind that makes people use a fake name and take on a persona? Interesting. I'm just saying. I think there are some cracks in the tough guy facade here.
Todd has just called this an impossible feat. No. Words mean things. Hundreds of people do this every year. All twelve contestants in this show will finish. It's hard, and it's not for everyone, but it's not impossible. Again, it's interesting. Why is interesting such a hard sell?
Faust and Melissa are talking about the advantage of having finished a book before in completing the 3-day. This is extremely fair comment in my opinion. If I hadn't finished my book (some large portion of it that very weekend there in Chapters) I would not have had the balls to do the 3 Day the following year. They are also talking about bloody-mindedness and the the drive to finish. Also important. You need to get totally focused on the experience of the book. No question there.
Of course, I didn't write mine with strangers in front of the cameras. Well, not strangers. Despite what the show will tell you in a few minutes, none of these people were total enigmas to each other. They had been chatting on message boards and emails and by phone for weeks. Everyone had a pretty good sense of everyone.
Oh, hey, Todd said something relevant. He says that some people know how to tell a story and some don't. It's nice to hear non-drivel from him. I think he's right of course. Writing is a skill that you can learn and improve on through discipline, but story is a gift. It's pure talent and I don't think you can learn it, not really.
Now Faust and Todd are talking about how the weekend will be full of surprises. No, not really. The only contest related surprise is coming up, and I don't think it was a total surprise to the person involved, but I'm a cynic and conspiracy theorist at heart.
And after the commercials we'll meet the writers, which is great, because, aside from Melissa, I'm sick of the judges already.
So Lorna, Nancy and Matthew are the first to enter. Lorna is a first generation Lebanese Canadian living in Ontario and working writing for a web company. She comes off as very sweet and approachable and funny, and she is all of those things, and very photogenic.
Matthew is a born and bred Toronto kid, working with deaf students. He is, in person, a very pretty boy, but he's looking like hell in this little section for some reason. I hope this doesn't continue long for he is one of my favourite people and I want him to come off well.
Nancy is a writer and part time librarian living in a little lakeside Ontario town in a gorgeous old house. Okay, is it just me, or will the casual viewer already see that she is the walking stereotype of the buttoned up librarian who is secretly a total hellcat? Well, she totally is a spitfire. I wonder what that kid taking the book from her will think after seeing this show.
The three of them are looking at the bunk beds. Matt is grateful they have railings as he seems to have a rolling problem. Lorna looks very uncomfortable about sleeping in a room full of strangers. Awww princess. On the other hand, Nancy's wild eyes ARE a little scary and so is her apparent espresso buzz.
Next to arrive are Joe and Paul.
Joe is telling us that she was the first woman in South Africa to do a trans-racial adoption. Jesus Christ, I didn't know that. Is there anything this woman hasn't done to earn my fierce love and admiration. I remember in the weeks building up to the contest reading her profile and seeing her picture and being terrified of her. Fucking terrified, because I was afraid she'd be a man-hating political bull dyke type. And of course she is political, and she's a dyke, but there was so much love and humour and warmth to her that I was actually tongue-tied in her presence. As I've said before, she's marched and suffered and bled for every cause I love.
But I digress.
Paul is up now. He works for See magazine in Edmonton. He is a bubbly geeky bald guy. He seems of my tribe, but he also is very private and a little shy. He comes across wildly likable. I did not know he had a law degree. I sure know a lot of people with those who don't practice law. What is the deal with that? He just described himself as a lonely, lonely man. Ah…kidding on the square.
And we're back to Faust and the judges for some reason? What the hell? Shut up judges, none of this babbling about writing matters right now. You had your turn and fucked it up already. We were meeting the cast and liking them.
Oh good, we're back to them now.
Here are Gordon and Gayleen entering, which makes sense as Gayleen picked him up at the airport and he came by to meet the dogs, who loved him madly. Especially Spenser, who chewed his hand for an hour. I love people who love dogs.
The Parasite mentions Gayleen is bringing lots of baggage. Wow, is that a straight line. Anyway, she sure did. And who is that fat ugly guy helping to carry it. You know, that one who looks like a bag of trash with a huge head. Oh yes, that's yr. humble host, shuddering in horror at the sight of himself.
Gayleen is addressing the camera as she unloads Jolt, ginseng, diet cola. She says she's prepared for all eventualities. All eventualities, it seems to me, that require stimulants. Jesus. You know, she didn't even drink caffeine until we started living together. Make of that what you will.
What's that ridgepole for? A tent? Of course, it is.
And here's Gayleen's profile, there's our house and that fat bastard again. Gayleen's music is playing, and they're talking about her many projects and making her look all well rounded and polymathish.
Gordon jumps out of the gate with his partial paralysis as a result of a spinal injury. Way to go for the sympathy…oh no wait, he's making jokes about it. Which is his forte, and… my god he has a lovely home.
And they're interviewing Gayleen back in the store and she's looking really hot there. Neat.
And now they're interviewing Gordon. Also looking good here.
And now Gayleen spits some casual math.
"I've worked it out," she says. "I figure it's coming in at around 17.34 words per minute sustained over 48 hours throughout the 72 hour period…that's my estimate, and I'm thinking if I do that, I'll be happy."
Also she is thinking that you dropped 43 toothpicks, definitely 43, yeah.
Oh, and the Parasite agrees that Gayleen is an intolerable smartypants deserving of sly mockery. Hooray for the Parasite, even if he isn't Rachel.
James and Marty and Tracy are the next to enter. Marty's profile is filmed in a theatre. That's about right. He's comfortable there, but it helps him keep his privacy. Classy, engaging, affable. That's Marty.
Tracy is talking about her life, which has not been easy. She's been a street kid and a druggie, and is now getting her life together. Her vulnerability is a little raw here, and it's the first time the show has been raw. I think if there are real surprises to come, she'll be at the center of them.
James' profile shows him editing film, and there's a clip of him performing what I assume to be a kind of English folk dance. He's English, of course, and has lived all over the place prior to moving to Canada with his Canadian wife, bringing his devilish good looks and accent across the border. Damn his eyes.
Now back in the store, James and Marty both seem surprised that the writer's table is so centrally located. Oh, you poor naive kids. What did you think they'd do? This is supposed to be a spectacle. You're the monkeys in this zoo. Clap your hands and throw faeces now, come on.
Rebecca and Jennifer are coming into the store now. We see Jennifer's profile. She's talking about her house and her kids, and we see her typing there in her gorgeous little house, and now she's dressed up like Marilyn Monroe. She does this semi-professionally as it happens.
Rebecca's profile is a little awkward, but she is refreshingly honest about being sort of awkward and ill-defined, but with aspirations. She seems confused, and a little troubled and sensitive, but very likable. That's pretty accurate, I think.
Back in the store Jennifer is being mocked for bringing more baggage than Gayleen. Which really is a hell of a thing. Also, she's dressed like a movie star, whereas everyone else is business casual. She's a character.
Marty is filmed saying, "We're all cheery and happy and getting along because we just met each other and we're Canadian". And yes, you all are. Which is why I like you. And why Canadian reality shows are not as passionate and hate-fraught as those from our neighbours. Thank you.
And now the Parasite is describing the contestants as possessing wild-eyed naivete. Are we watching the same show? Seriously. I mean, sure, you're reading a script and never met these people. Unlike Rachel, the host.
And the first challenge is coming up after the break.
I will take this opportunity to discuss the challenges. They are a fucking stupid idea. It was an attempt to create competition and animosity and supposed dramatic tension. In actuality, they were mostly a a waste of time, and kind of embarrassing and awkward. Also, the contestants just wanted everyone to be happy and succeed, so there was no real back-stabbery. This one in particular, I remember. It was painful to watch then, and I'm not looking forward to seeing it again. I would have preferred something more co-operative or more designed to share who these people are.
Before I proceed, you need to understand that I do not blame the writers for the debacle I am about to witness. They are all in a strange situation with no idea what to expect, and these challenges are NOT WELL THOUGHT OUT.
Rachel is back, doing her job as host She's introducing Faust who is the judge for this challenge. The challenge, obnoxiously described by Faust, is to create a pitch for your book in 25 words or less. Now they have a point here, in that selling your book is very hard to do. However, this pitch bullshit has no basis in reality. In reality you write query letters and book summaries considerably longer than twenty five words. Writing a pitch like this would be considered annoyingly clever by most editors. You might get to use this pitch once you had a foot in the door and a face to face, but otherwise forget it. What this is, you see, is good for television. These are film pitches, really, and that pisses me off. At least admit you’re playing to inform the audience about the books in a very short soundbite. Don’t pretend this has anything to do with craft. Jesus.
Also, that hat is stupid, too.
Okay, so they have a time limit, and they are told to begin writing. The act of writing is very dull to look at, so let’s shake the camera a whole bunch. Wow, it really seems as though something is happening now, boy howdy.
Matt is the first to pitch his book, which sounds intriguing but there’s no meat there. How could there be? Distilling a whole book to 25 words is fucking impossible. If the book is any good, anyhow. I hate this challenge
Gayleen is next, her pitch is concise but not great. I know her book pretty well, and it's just not able to boil down into that weak a broth.
James’ pitch boils down to “Think Steel Magnolias meets Saw”. I hate that. More on that in a second, as I slap a judge in the nuts again and bitch profusely about the death of culture.
Joe’s pitch is mildly funny, but doesn’t tell me anything about her book, but who cares as this whole exercise is a monstrously stupid waste of time?
Marty’s pitch about his zombie book is well crafted and amusing, and he comes off as humourously self-effacing here.
Paul’s pitch makes me laugh out loud, and the audience as well. “It doesn’t have much of a plot but it does have a lot of lovely descriptions of eating at Tim Horton’s.” In my opinion, his is the winner here so far. I’m not the judge though.
Nancy’s pitch is bland and boring, unfortunately.
Gordon’s pitch is…well it’s Gordon. It does what it says on the tin. If you like that kind of humour, you know what you’re getting.
Lorna’s pitch is very well worded, and I think accurate, but it doesn’t sell me on what makes it stand apart from the dozens of books you could describe with the exact same words.
Tracy’s pitch is nonsense and moondust. I suspect at this point she has no idea what her book is about. Fair enough.
Jennifer’s pitch is really dull, but I like the idea, which leaves me nowhere.
Up last is Rebecca. This pitch is terrible. It’s like a high school poem. Come on girl, you are smarter than that. Sell yourself.
Man. I hate this challenge.
So Faust is now talking about how some got it and some didn’t. He singles Paul out as the loser, which is absolute crap. Of all the pitches, Paul’s was the one that best sold Paul, and best sold his book. It didn’t bore me and it got my attention. Faust deserves a Slap in the Nuts™ for singling Paul out here as the loser. What Paul did was bank on likability. He displayed wit and goofiness, and that pretty much tells you what you're going to get. As far as I'm concerned, he did it right. Of the twelve, his is the only one that really jumped out of the pack for me.
Except for James', but that wasn't good jumping, I'm sad to say.
Faust names the 3 front runners as Joe, James and Matt. My eyes would bug out in shock if I hadn't been there. And Faust awards first place to James. Faust says that he loves phrases like "Steel Magnolia Meets Saw".
Okay. No. This kind of jigsaw puzzle reductionism is the death of discourse. That's a great idea. Let's break down every new piece of art into a frankensteining of previous works. That should be good for art.
Which reminds me, this whole construction of "It's like X meets Y" comes from a particular source. It's not a proud one. It comes from the creative desperation that Universal pictures went through in the forties. Let me explain. From 1931-about 1940 Universal released some of the most loved and successful horror movies of all times. The viewership started to dip. Frankenstein and Dracula and The Mummy and the Wolfman weren't packing seats the way they used to. And so one day, a guy pitched The Wolfman Meets Frankenstein. It was a huge hit. HUGE. For ten years after that, Universal used that format, mixing characters and genres. Abbot and Costello meet Frankenstein. Abbot and Costello meet the Mummy. About two dozen X meets Y films. And that's where that goddamned phrase comes from.
So yeah, great, it's the kind of phrase that tips the film studios in your favour. Is it good art and storytelling? Hell no.
And from what I know of James' book, it isn't accurate either. His book is more like The Descent meets Saw. There's not a lot of supporting loving girl on girl bonding in his story. It's mostly the dark side of female interactions. So where's the contrast?
But anyway, I digress. It's not James' fault that he went for the cheap shot. It worked. It's my fault that I hate the world and most of how it works.
And Faust's hat.
And look, before I continue, I need to say that I love the guy. I know his actual name and all of that. I think he's swell. It's the persona of Minister Faust that annoys me. And actually mostly because I just think his role on the show is damned intrusive.
Oops, now why, James, are you slapping your ass and using the word genius? Why? No. That'll do. Stop. Thank you.
And now they're asking Paul how he feels about being the loooooser. And he's pretty funny about it, considering it's a grave injustice. Happily, this time there's no penalty and the stakes are small. He is feeling trepidation about his book. This sounds like foreshadowing to me. DUN DUN DUNNNNN.
Oh wait, foreshadowing works better if you let it steep, show.
Paul is in the confessional booth and he's tearing up his outline. He's decided to plunge in unprepared with a new idea he's just conceived. Hm. Part of me, a cynical part, thinks Paul has planned this all along. It's great TV and he's sort of sneaky savvy. Just my two cents.
His new idea is to do a novel combining WWII espionage with Broadway song and dance. the other contestants quite rightly are applauding this excellent notion.
Okay, so Rachel is counting down to zero and the writing begins. We cut to the exterior and some fake ass lightning. Ooo, intimidating.
We get some previews. Then over the closing credits, Gayleen is erecting a tent on her top bunk. An actual tent. Because she is crazy like that. She he asks the guys if they've never pitched a tent. One of her classic single entendres. And we close with Tracy asking if the store is clothes optional.
Closing thoughts. I was really grooving on the scenes where the contestants arrived and their profiles, and just as we started to see them interact we went to the frigging-cliched-reality-show-bankrupt-of-imagination-challenge. Though I confess, the challenge DID in fact show us a fair amount of who all the players are. So, a point for the show.
I just pray the judges become less intrusive, and that Todd, in particular, either thinks harder before speaking or gets a better edit. It was a good start but I want more of the people and less of the faux blood and thunder.
See you next week.
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