Episode 6: Save your time. Read a book.

So, before I get into this, I should say I watched episode seven first. This episode can't be much worse than the last one, so for me this is going to be a walk in the park. No, I kid, this will be a hell walk. See, my theory, and it's only a theory is this: the lazy assholes responsible for cutting the episodes for air in a half hour format took advantage of the fact that an actually competent team had already completed the first few episodes. So they more or less just cut them up. Then they had to do some work. This can be one of only a few reasons why they would give Friday night nearly a full episode, and then a bunch of time to Saturday and Sunday, leaving, in the end, one episode to deal with Monday.

Of course, you realize that's ridiculous. Monday was the home stretch, and the day when the competitors really let loose, started expressing themselves. It's when MOST of the real moments happened. So they have to cram that all into like 24 minutes, and show at least one of the challenges under Todd Babiak. I happen to know they show, instead, all three of his challenges.

So, this is going to be, as I said, a hell walk.

Last week blurb is obsessed with page count and the spelling bee. They recount the prize and the failure. And once again, I'm struck by how wasteful the reality format can be. Two minutes on a recap.

And we're into the credits.

It's Monday morning and we're straight into a challenge. Rachel introduces Todd, who looks profoundly uncomfortable in front of a camera. Todd is a little condescending to the contestants/viewers of BOOK TELEVISION as he explains what a story is, and how it works. Anyway, they have to write a piece that illuminates a character. They get five full minutes.

The winner receives transcription. No explanation of what they mean by THAT, though. Because they are short on time, and Todd's explanation to us that a story consists of characters and obstacles was TV gold. What they meant was that the winner would get one of those voice recorders and could dictate their novel for an hour or so. Not a prize. Find me a writer in twenty who would want to work that way. I'll wait….

See.

No word on the punishment. And cue the camera moves.

5 4 3 2 1. Pens down, please

Gordon starts off, and the character he;s describing is a dog. He loves dogs, and I am an idiot about dogs. I'm disqualified from discussing his fuzzy protagonist. Yes I am! Yes, I am!

Jennifer's is about a bridal fair again. Didn't she use this bit already. I don't know how much character is being revealed here, as they only give her about twenty damned words.

James' likewise, is too short for any indication of quality, but damn he is pretty to look at.

Marty's is okay, but cliched, but they give him a full paragraph to do his work.

Joe gets the first bleep of the show! Yay! I remember this part. Hers begins with "Fuck off bulldyke!" and ends with that bulldyke leaving with a hot chick. Sadly we ditch before that part. Still, at least it grabs attention.

Lorna's is too short to say anything about anything. Same with Nancy's.

Rebecca's is colourful and is about a clown. It's pretty good, but again, we don't get much.

Gayleen's is edited so that we have no sense of context or who's speaking. Same with Matthew's and Tracy's. Except Tracy's gets to shoot some people.

Paul is vibrant, and his book is still insane. I'm glad they give him some time to play.

Todd picks the bottom two. Tracy and James. He thinks they ducked the assignment, in that they didn't write character pieces, so much as set pieces. James is loser this time and "must go do some writing". No explanation. At all. Because who cares?

Top three are Marty, Joe and Paul. Fair enough. Marty shows his character's inner conflict. Joe revealed the pride in hers. Paul's was comedic but was all about desire and the want to win. And nazis. Paul takes it. Now, he might actually benefit from transcription. Who knows.

Now Rachel says she hears two people have already finished their novels. Record scratch. We saw Joe do that last episode. No camera love for our second? Gordon? Dude. I'm sorry. That blows.

After the break, another challenge. Yay. Who needs to see the actual contest part? The challenges are all together in a convenient, easy to slap together package, and three should use up the whole sixth episode. Then, all we have to do is butcher the seventh episode which was shot live on the floor and we're done, and can go snort meth off our girlfriends and try to forget we were ever given this shitty editing job. Who wants to watch writers, or anything filmed in Edmonton. Please.

And we're back from the break, and it's probably good I'm already locked up for my rage issues.

It's the Monday afternoon challenge. They're split into teams to solve a crossword. How do they justify this, exactly, Todd? Oh, they're testing knowledge and intelligence. Great. Sure. We'll go with that. The winner gets an accutonic massage. That sounds like wank, and a waste of time. The losers have to read to children. Of course, they won't show that. Though they do chastise Joe for swearing.

And there's salsa music for some reason as we watch them work. I happen to know Gayleen is a crossword wizard. The camera follows Todd as he heckles them in his soft-spoken milquetoast way. We see a shot of Gayleen hating the process. Her team wins. No surprise there. And the contest crawls on. Who will be the last to finish. And it's mercifully over. I have no idea who was on the teams, and I don't care enough to look.

Oh look, Marty is asking Todd to autograph The Book of Stanley. Unless the inscription is, "I'm so sorry." It's not right. I kid. It's a good book. Todd insists that sucking up does work. Oh look, they're plugging the book.

And now Gayleen is face down in a massage chair. All we can see is her nose and mouth. The camera person asks how she's feeling, and she laughs the mirthless laugh of the damned, and says she has an overwhelming sense of the ridiculous. And rightly so. Accutonics is stupid. There. I said it. But she's not actually saying that. She's finding it actually relaxing. It turns out she finished about an hour ago, and is feeling good. She intends to do an edit and see what happens.

Lorna also liked the massage, and felt "crazy mellow" afterward. Matthew too. We see him and Rebecca talking briefly. Savour it kids, it's one of the few pieces of human contact in the show. She says he looks good, and he is all like, "I know, right?"

Gordon, who has finished, sends Rebecca and Jennifer back to their book, and reads to the kids. That's a nice thing to do, and he's a big bear of a daddy type, so I bet he rocks at it. Tate announces that Gordon will be reading. He decides to read the book of Puff the Magic Dragon. He is a hippie, and he is pretty good with the kids. It's a pop-up. This is sweet, but I want more stuff.

We see Gayleen raise her novel over her head. Then she admits it's a novella, but they're calling it a novel! Good girl!

Someone says it looks like the weight of the world has been lifted off her shoulders. She says it feels awesome. I think this is out of sequence, but what the hell do I know. I started drinking an hour ago. I barely recognize these people now. G says she thought she'd be writing into the late evening with a n hour for edits, so she's glad and says she doesn't care about the challenges. More on this in a few minutes.

We see Paul finish. He is pretty happy. It's an extremely silly story. He lies on the floor, and Mary and one of the crew hand him stuffies. Then Marty lies down and spoons with him. Hey James, you're off the hook with the whole erotic fan fiction thing now.

They ask Marty what his greatest memory will be and he says spooning Paul Matwychuck. Paul calls him a very affectionate man. More spooning.

Marty is asked if there will be any long lasting relationships formed as a result of the weekend, and Marty says he and Paul will get together and spoon. Again, James, this writes itself.

James is finished, save editing, and he looks happy and relieved, but also pensive as he gets up and takes a victory lap around the store.

Marty finishes and does a slo-mo run across the finish line.

Into the break, we are coming back to another fucking challenge. Dammit.

Now this challenge had one of the only moments of drama, and I am sort of ken to see what happens. it was genuinely tense at the end. We'll see. they are given three minutes to write a dream ending to a novel.

Todd says that what you leave your reader with is key.

You'll notice they don't have a penalty this time. They paint it as benevolence. In fact the writers simply said to Tate they wouldn't do one. it wasn't fair with half of them finished. So they relented. No mention of that, of course.

The winner receives and introduction to an agent.

Cue the camera jerking.

Joe's is actually a pretty good way to stop a book. Gordon's is interrupted. Way to go editor.

Rebecca's is so quiet I can barely hear it.

James' is well read, but cut in the middle. Marty's is weird out of context, and he is exhausted, and I think, not into this.

Paul's is an excerpt from a theatre review. It's a wonderful concept for his book, and well written.

Tracy's rhymes. And is not good. I want to go back in time and tell her this, but I can't. Happily, it's short.

Jennifer's is strong.

We skip four people. One of them is Gayleen.

She refused to do it. They asked her why and she told them, essentially, that an ending is a reward to the reader for going through a book. it's part of the compact between author and writer, and she wasn't about to trivialize it.

Todd was stunned, and babbled and then they went on. You see no trace of that here. They cut the whole thing out. I'm not sure why the rest were done. Todd does seem a bit flustered.

Lorna and Matthew's felt endingy, he says. James' was passionate in second. Todd picks Paul as the winner of the contest. He is good in these things.

Rebecca, Jennifer and Matthew write to the last second.

We see them pose for a cast photo and that's it. See you next week to find out who won.

We don't see Nancy burst into tears when she finishes. We don't see Gordon, Nancy and Gayleen drunkenly discussing the famous writers they don't like. We don't get to see Marty threaten to run naked through the store and defile the books.

Monday was the day they all became real friends. How boring, I suppose.

Marty shows his book, and safety copies, joking that his book is 300 pages long. Nancy says the experience was phenomenal. Rebecca wishes she had a few more days to work on hers…but not in the store. Joe says it was an exciting weekend.

Over the credits Rebecca says she's never finished a book before. She's an author now. it's a sweet feeling ennit? Nancy says a lot of the weekend was about the people. Marty is asked how his book is. He explains it's crap but he bribed Todd Babiak.

Lazy. Lazy. Wasted opportunity.

Good thing the cast is so likeable.