Episode 4: The Capper Digresses

Welcome back for a belated week four. I'd liked to have had this done a lot sooner, but I spent an inordinate amount of time this week doing actual activities which required human contact. While many of these things were, in fact, enjoyable, I can't deny that I'd have rather been here, just you and I, cuddled under the blanket on a comfy couch and bitching impotently about the show.

Without further delay, let's hop to it. Oh wait, that reminds me, did anyone else see the latest SNL digital short featuring a rap between the resident wiseass Andy Samberg and a 250 pound black dude pretending to be Reba McEntire? I find myself in the strange position of wanting to call that woman on the phone and see how she's doing. I mean, they weren't actually taking the piss out of her so much as painting Samberg as a total fool, but wow.

That's how you digress, kids. That's how it's done. Today my brain is a free-associational jukebox. I have more needless asides today than that time on Family Guy when Peter said, "This is more redundant than a flashback within a flashback", and there was a series of quick cuts to versions of him saying that, and flashing back ad infinitum until my television exploded.

Which reminds me, my guest co-capper today is Seth MacFarlane, the show runner over at Family Guy, and also the voice of Peter, Stewie, and Brian. How are you today, Seth?

Seth: (in Peter's voice) Freakin' sweet.

Good to hear, you pipe up when the mood strikes you.

Seth: (in Stewie's voice) Oh, never fear. I shall.

Great. So, we're into the last week ons, and I won't go into that, you were all here. Except for you Seth.

Seth: That's true.

Wait, are you doing Brian's voice, or is that you doing your normal speaking voice?

Seth: (long pause): I...I don't know anymore. Oh God!

Great. Well, it was pretty dull. It was all challenges all the time.

Seth: (as Peter): Wait a minute. These guys are all just writing books? For three days?

Yes. It's for a specialty network about reading.

Seth: And nobody's even freaking naked or anything? How do you get eliminated? Do you get kicked off the bookstore...oh no wait...written out of the plot.

Seth: (as Brian) Oh my god. Peter, that was actually witty.

Um. Seth. Can you prune it back a little here? We're only twenty seconds in, and already this is getting long.

Seth: (with deep self loathing, as Meg) Sorry. I'm just so stupid. Stupid.

Seth, you don't even DO Meg's voice on the show.

Seth: (as Peter) Oh who cares? It's only Meg.

Anyway, here are the opening credits now, and I am almost sure that's Todd shadowboxing now.

The episode starts with Jennifer and Tracy (who lost the last challenge) preparing for their bathroom cleaning adventure. Not surprisingly, they are focusing on Jennifer's attire. She is in four inch heels, a satin leopard print dress and a faux fur wrap. Tracy is as amused as anyone.

Seth: (as Peter) This is what I'm talking about. Oh yeah, the blonde one's cute too. Look at her bending over to pour that floor cleaner. Do they make out?

No. But that little thing where Tracy points her toe like a housewife in a commercial is cute. And as they push open the bathroom door to the men's room Tracy seems to think this is both sick and wrong.

Speaking as a dude who did a short time as a night janitor, the men's room is usually a walk in the park by comparison to the ladies' room. I think that the lineups are so long that by the time women get in the stall they have been reduced to primitive simian dung-throwing rage. It's the only explanation because, let's face it, men are animals. There is no way their bathroom should be cleaner.

Now a word on form, here. Girls, sweep before you mop. Especially when there are visible pieces of paper towel and toilet paper on the floor. Think. You are making papier-mâché with that mop. It's not productive.

Seth: (as Brian, I think) No, it's not productive but it's quite a show. Her bra is showing and everything. That is undeniably hot. I love a woman cleaning in four inch heels.

Seth: (as Stewie) Sure, everyone talks about me, nobody talks about your issues. You're a dog, you realize that? If you showed as much attention to that witch in the satin dress as you show your many girlfriends, she'd swat you with a rolled-up newspaper.

Seth: (as Brian) I should be so lucky. Awooo!

Hey, that is a friend of mine. A friend with children. Stop that ogling right now.

Oh good, we're in the bookstore with Marty. He is on his $300 shopping spree, the fruit of his victory last challenge. The first thing he does is buy all the books he can find by his fellow contestants. Don't you want to just pinch those cheeks? He is such a nice guy. I repeat, bodies in the basement.

Seth: (as Peter) Yay, we're back in the bathroom with Catwoman.

Okay. Enough. Look. Seth, when I asked you to co-cap today, I asked you here because you're the chief mind behind what is arguably the seminal comedy show of our times. You have an enormous amount of insight to offer on how shows are made and how they could be improved. I want that Seth. I didn't ask you here as some kind of performing ape. You don't have to just do impressions all night long.

Seth: Should I...should I sing?

God no. You should stop doing that altogether. It was funny once or twice but now it's just this weird affectation that people tolerate. Like with Jerry Lewis.

Seth: Are you comparing me to Jerry Lewis?

Not in a good way.

Seth: Oh.

Anyway, we're out in the parking lot with Rebecca. With her is a bald fellow. This is Tate. The show was his baby, and we don't see much of him in the show. I don't know if he wound up on the cutting room floor by design, or from time constraints or what, but it's too bad. I love Tate. I don't have a bad thing to say about the man. Even though I might not agree with some of his decisions, he's the reason we have this show at all. That takes drive.

He's helping Rebecca set the tent up in the parking lot. Pay attention to how unhappy he looks. Also how cold and empty that lot is. There's a shot of Tate looking at the tent and walking toward the store with some serious concern on his face, and then the Parasite pipes up. He says that Rebecca's fellow writers insisted she sleep inside. This is one way to put it. Another way would be to say that they screamed and threatened lives.

I don't think they had to twist many arms. I happen to know there was a confessional with Tate addressing the camera about how this sounded like a good idea, but that he didn't want to do it now. Aww.

Anyway, the Parasite says, a compromise is reached. She's sleeping in the entranceway. Technically inside.

Seth: Uh...doesn't that sort of cut back the drama?

Was that Seth or Brian asking? Never mind. It does, but only a little, and this show, if you're paying attention is about twelve people becoming friends. The only contest on this show that matters is writer versus their own book. And, as if to prove my point, Tracy and Rebecca have sneaked next door to the bar for a drink, and Marty has tracked them down. He had some money left over on his spree and bought chocolates for everyone. Because he is my new imaginary boyfriend. Don't tell him, he'll blush.

Seth: (shifting over uncomfortably) Uh...are you....

Oh, what's the matter Seth? Are you scared you're going to trip and go down on me? Nobody makes as many cheap gay jokes as you do without having some issues. I'm bi. Whatever. Relax. I'm not into frat boys who do voices for a living.

Marty joins them, and then Nancy shows up. I suspect her booze sense was tingling. "Somewhere," Nancy says, looking up suddenly, "a writer is drinking beer. I like beer."

Tracy is now eye-fucking the camera and suggesting that one night, the writers should sneak away to an undisclosed location for a drink. Good luck with that, hon. Marty suggests an underground novel reading and pit-bull fight.

How much do you want to bet he and the station receive letters from people about this? Oh wait...I think the contestants and their friends and families may be the only ones watching.

The Parasite takes us back to several quick shots of the writers at their keyboards, and there's Gayleen getting down with her bad self. The transition here is from the excitement of the challenges and post-challenge antics to the serious night's work of writing. This was a major part of the weekend. Really, most of the work was done in those hours between being hassled and sleeping.

Marty and Rebecca are not slipping back into it, so we see Rebecca teaching Marty to juggle. This is very sweet stuff. This is why I tune in. She's really good at explaining it, and he's picking it up pretty good for a guy who's just starting.

The Parasite seems to disagree, advising him to keep his day job. Shut up, scab they hired so as to not pay Rachel to do the rest of her job as the host. Grrrrr.

Seth: (as Peter) Woah, what the hell? That is not cool? What'd he do?

That's it.

(shoots Seth MacFarlane in the face, body drops)

I'm sorry about that. It was a bad idea having him here. I know you'll miss new episodes of Family Guy. I will too. I really do like it. Don't worry though, Harvard will spit out a new douchebag soon. It used to be a great school. Now it's a factory for funny douchebags.

Anyway.

Now it's the voyeur cam. Nothing creepy about filming people sleeping with a low-light lens. Seriously, that's just weird.

We see a printer in the throes of a serious technical malfunction. If memory serves, this malfunction was one of many, and the writers had taken to printing hard copy regularly because none of them trusted the servers at all.

Gayleen asks the crew what it would take, financially, for them to turn their heads while the writers go Office Space on the printer. Oh Gayleen, we've been through this so many times, me and you. That is a long term solution to a short term problem. But you're sleep deprived, and so are the other worried people agreeing with you. The cameraman points out, and rightfully so, that he'd be pretty remiss not filming that.

Marty asks what the odds are on somebody throwing a rampage, and from the look in his eyes it appears it may be time for him to put down the pen and kill again. He pulls back his Dark Passenger, and says solemnly that he will trust that whatever pages he's written will remain on the system should it crash. it sounds like a threat.

One by one, we are informed, the writers head to bed, save Rebecca, who, being a supergenius, steals her mattress and takes it into the tent. As near as I can tell, aside from Lorna, who is crashing in a hotel this night, she now has the best shot at restful sleep. She is in a darkened, zipped tent with a good mattress and nobody snoring. Turning your disadvantages into advantages is the sign of a wise warrior.
She is surely savvy enough to have figured this out. She suggests she should roast marshmallows. I'd have loved that.

And now the first commercial break is up. A word on that. Is it just me or, demographically speaking, is this show aimed at women between 40-60 exclusively. I haven't heard a record scratch or anyone using the word "extreme" yet. Hmm.

Seth MacFarlane's body is rotting, by the way, much faster than you'd expect. There's very little smell, though. It's almost like some supernatural force has kept him alive for far longer than the natural lifespan he should have had. Like the last couple of years of his life have been a little sub-par. Almost as if he were exchanging quality for quantity. Like the Simpsons, for just one example.

But back to the show, it's Sunday a.m. and the writers are being observed as they wake up. Gordon makes his way to the keys and he is so exhausted that I can't even enjoy seeing him this way. I worried about Gordon that weekend. He slept the least, and with his partial paralysis, needs to pay attention to things like where his feet are as he walks. He doesn't have the automatic feedback that most people have and can seriously injure himself. I did not want this to happen. He is my friend.

We cut to Jennifer, who has no makeup on right now, though she is in some stylish workout clothes. No jumping rope this morning though.

Ghostly voice of Seth: (as ghostly voice of Peter) I missed seeing this chick skip rope? What a rip.

Begone unclean spirit, the power of Christ compels you.

Ghostly voice of Seth: (as Stewie) You've not heard the last of us, priestly one. (unearthly scream of the banished damned)


Anyway, god love her, Jennifer does not want to be seen sans makeup and has brought a blue feathered mask to conceal her shame. She wears this all the way to the bathroom. No wonder she and Gayleen get along so well. They are crazy in very similar ways

Matthew is interviewed from bed, and discussing how he can't believe there are two more days, and that bedtime that night seems very far away.

Marty is also filmed in bed, and is about as happy as I'd be. See, people, you made fun of her for bringing a tent, but who's laughing now? Nobody. Nobody is laughing now. Sleep deprivation has no winners and losers, just sufferers, and you are all starting to suffer.

Marty is wearing a t-shirt with a CBC logo on it. If this was an American show, they'd digitally blur that logo. This is Canada, we're classier than that.

"And then," the Parasite says, "There are people like Nancy."

Nancy is bright eyed, you might say manic, and bushy tailed. She is well-rested and cheerful, and if I were Matthew, and had just taken that long to find and pick up my own clothing for the day, I'd be inclined to bash her brains in with a chair. Morning people are creepy and weird. Of course, she saved some time by not worrying extensively about her personal hygiene. This is not a cheap shot. She bragged to some of the other contestants about how she didn't need to shower. Her mother, apparently, her MOTHER, once gave her this sage advice, "You've got to wash the tits, pits, and slits." Stay classy, crazy hellcat librarian lady. I wish they'd got THAT on film and aired it. They did not. She tells us that at home she is woken up by any teeny noise, but here, sleeping in a storeroom with 11 other wacko people she didn't hear a thing.

Other wacko people is the best way to phrase that.

James is now giving us a small lesson in "earplugging". The secret he says is to first roll them between thumb and index finger, "gently, like a lover, and then squeeze them into the orifices. Again, gently, like a lover."

I am concerned at the state of sex education in Britain. That's all I am saying. Maybe they teach "earplugging" as a safe sex alternative, like chastity and butt sex.

Lorna is well rested after her night in the hotel and looking forward to getting a lot of work. Rebecca too, as predicted by me, had a great night sleep in a relative way.

Now we're in the ladies' room with the camera crew. Rebecca, Gayleen and Tracy are at the mirror. Tracy wishes the crew dead with her eyes and says, "Oh hey, it's you." Gayleen laughs because she knows that these confrontations are priceless. You need to know Tracy is not kidding. For a chick what signed up for this it seems she had no understanding that this was going to be on TV and she pretty much resented the cameras a lot.

Tracy asks Gayleen if she stayed up all night writing, and she did not. She was up until about four. Rebecca says something I absolutely cannot hear. The audio in this scene is really rough for some reason. Maybe it's the running water, or maybe the camera man was keeping his distance because Tracy looks as though she could honestly go feral right now. And this chick has lived on the streets, she could probably fuck a body up.

Tracy says to the camera guy, "I thought you weren't allowed in the bathrooms. Seriously."

"They're allowed in the bathrooms," Gayleen says. "I think they're not allowed in the stalls or something." You think? Or something. I'd like to interview past Gayleen and have her elucidate on her train of thought.

Past Gayleen: What? What do you want?

Uh. Nothing. You just finish putting on your makeup.

Past Gayleen: Are you sure? Because I'd love to talk. Really. I have nothing better to do as I try desperately to write a freaking book with a camera up my nose. I'd love to just sit here and….


No, really, it's okay.

Ghostly voice of Seth: (as Stewie) No, no, I'm just messing with you. The afterlife is pretty neat. This whole haunting the living thing is…well…it's no substitute for killing Lois, but it's great. It's great.

(facepalm) This is so out of hand. Wait a second. I have a dose of a freaky ghost. I'd think I d' better call…

(door smashes open and proton accelerators are brandished. Spengler, Stantz, Venkman and Zeddemore fire multicoloured streams of light at the hovering presence and after a very expensive moment, the threat has passed)

Thanks.

Stantz: No need to thank us sir. We're professionals.

Venkman: Will that be cash or Visa?

I'll get back to you on that later.

Anyway, back in the ladies' room Tracy says she can't believe she slept almost ten hours. For a moment Gayleen proceeds with her ablutions, and then stops. "I just processed that," she says, "You did what now?"

Apparently Tracy feels good. I bet. I can't say this enough, if you are playing the home game, do not skimp on sleep. Seriously.

Gayleen explains that her worst fear was that she'd be woken up by the camera crew ten minutes before a challenge at ten in the morning. Tracy offers that they might take the challenge right to her bed. "Write, monkey, write!" She gets it.

Gayleen asks what would happen if you didn't show up for a challenge. It's a good question. Nobody tested it. Tracy brushes theatrically for the camera, annoyed and then tells them to get out because she has to pee.

Having established the scene the writers are asked about their writing. Paul has made good progress but is still a little behind where he'd like to be. Gordon has crossed 10,000 and things are flowing. Then we cut to Matthew.

Matthew's outline is a series of stick figure cartoons describing each chapter. It is a ridiculously wasteful use of the allowed outline space, but I love him to tiny bits. I have rarely laughed so hard at any of the surprises I've had.
Lorna's goal was to write three of her nine planned parts each day, and she is just shy of her goal.

Back to Matthew, he's talking about how he's writing a book about surviving members of sets of twins, so he's had to come up with a lot of deaths. This has been a challenge for him. Apparently he has never worked retail. I spent years planning so many. So very many, and wishing so many more. Anyway, he had finally decided on a diving accident for this one death and accidentally typed "dining accident". Naturally, when fate throws you a fish like that, you snap it from the air with your pointy snout and chirp for another. Also, I'm a dolphin now.

Gordon slept off an on for two to three hours. I think that's a generous estimate. He feels like the book is a monster hanging over his head.

And now we're in the commercial break. I'm sorry, Dr. Venkman. Thanks for waiting. Here's my card.

Declined? What happens now?

(Spengler looks to his colleagues and they go for a conference in the corner)

And we're back from that break.

We start with a confessional from Tracy. I pause the video and go get some popcorn. This should be legend...wait for it...ary.

What was that? I don't quote Barney from How I Met Your Mother, and even if I did that's like two seasons ago, that catchphrase. What have you done to me?

Venkman: Nobody stiffs the Ghostbusters.

(Ghostbusters leave)

Uh-oh. Anyhow. Oh look there's Marty and we're back to Tracy who is apologizing to the cameramen and crew. Marty is beginning to tire of the spectators, but trying not to be mean about it. Oh, look it's James.

James is telling us this is the first weekend since he was 12 that he has been sober the whole time. Huh.

Back to Marty, who is suffering for his local fame a little.

Now James is holding up his "shaking" hand. Then he says, "Thank you Book Television". Excellent piece of deadpan humour/confession from the darkest heart of the soul.

Tracy now is apologizing in advance for tomorrow. Heh.

Paul is browsing book titles for inspiration, and he returns to his desk with "A Great Deliverance" and "Fiasco", his two possibilities for the day.

And now we're into a challenge. There's host Rachel, who I've seen naked.

(head shake)

Okay, that was weird, I haven't quoted that catchphrase in 20 years. But seriously, I have seen her naked. In Chatelaine magazine, of all places. I swear I only read it for the articles. It always freaks me out when I'm reading a magazine and I see someone that I know completely nude. After that pictorial of my Mom and all my great aunts, you'd think I'd have learned. Sadly no.

Rachel asks the poor bastards how they are. They mumble as a group. What happened to the cheerful, enthusiastic crowd from yesterday? Ha! We are introduced to Melissa, the new judge for the day, and Rachel tells them not to think the day will go any better because Faust is gone. Well, for my part, it's nicer to look at anyhow.

The challenge for the day is, in 3 minutes, to write a love scene. Oh dear god, this is the cruelest challenge ever. Did they have to spring it as the first challenge out of the gate with a chick judge.

This is more sexist that the swimsuit competition for the "Lady Nobel" the year Marie Curie won for being so very slim.

Oh God. Oh Jesus no.

Back to the show, the winner is supposed to receive a website designed by book TV. Marty points out that Paul has an advantage as he has "The Idiot's Guide to Writing Erotic Romance". This is hilarious and true.

Melissa gives her criteria, explaining that she is not looking for letters to Penthouse. Rachel says she wouldn't mind. Neither would I. I am totally looking for letters to penthouse. Send them to me at letterstopenthouse@fishclock.ca.

Best letter wins the prize nobody claimed last week.

And 3…2…1…infuriating quick cuts… and stop.

Gayleen is first off, and that love scene is not from her book I can tell you. Her book is entirely about dudes and was, at that time, sex free. It's not badly written, but her heart is not in this. She does not embarrass herself, though she did run howling from the room like a banshee when we watched it.

Marty's (what we hear of it) is short and sweet, but not evocative of passion or strong feeling. He is very uncomfortable reading it, too.

Jennifer's is a romance novel, as it happens, so…well. It's not so good, though again, we're only seeing excerpts.

James' is not a love scene. Again, he and I are kindred spirits. He avoided the contest here by making it a sort of non-love scene. A scene about love scenes. It's a viable way to take it. Three minutes is not enough time to be sure you're going to get it right. A bad love scene is excruciating and totally embarrassing in a way you can tend to duck with most other kinds of writing.

Paul's is dirty. A woman has a kissable puss. This is a comedy, and as such, he's playing it for laughs. His has an actual song in it. Which he sings. Badly. It's a hoot.

Matthew comes out of nowhere with a gay love scene that is both tender and hot without being explicit or gross. I am proud of him for having the guts to do that on TV, and for doing it so damned well.

Nancy's is just crude. "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours." Seriously. Are you Robert Heinlein in a wig? Really? That was less romantic than that romantic comedy starring Sigourney Weaver and Billy Bob Thornton as registered sex offenders on a work release program in Alabama.

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

Gordon's love scene is between a kidnapper and his victim. Again, I can see going there. Again, not a love scene.

Joe's is very short, and seems, from what we see, to focus on love at a distance.

Rebecca's is also short, and very sweet. Not in the least embarrassing. I think in this contest she's a front runner.

We close on Paul finishing his song. Once again Lorna get's no screen time here, nor Tracy. What is the deal with that. Lorna is fucking absent from this show. Why? God knows she's photogenic. I know she might not be the most outgoing person on the show, but she's not the least outgoing. It's baffling. I love you, Lorna, for what that's worth.

Melissa breaks down the losers, saying that everyone did a good job under pressure. Gordon and Jennifer hit the bottom two. Melissa spanks Gordon for being funny but ducking the contest, which he did. Also, I think she's totally correct in pointing out this is non-consensual and therefore creepy. Jennifer she spanks for using the word supple three times in one paragraph. That is too many times. Of course, thanks to the editing, WE DIDN'T SEE THAT. It's not a reason for her to be spared, but it does FEEL like she's being punished for no reason. Jeez. Get with it. If it's important later, don't cut the damned footage. Jennifer is singled out to receive the punishment.

Marty asks when Faust is coming back. Everybody laughs. Good Joke. Not really a joke. Ha. Ha.

The top three are Marty, Matthew and James, and James is eliminated for ducking the game, and Marty for not having the erotic side. Matthew wins it. YES!

And we see Matthew and Jennifer side by side. Rachel asks Jennifer how she feels being a loser. Nice. Jennifer says she stands by her work. Don't. Supple. Three times. One paragraph. Take your medicine. We've all done something that bad. I once wrote a paragraph with the word "pricy" in it seven times. It's okay to be wrong.

Now they're asking Melissa how she felt judging people. Nobody asked Faust that. That's because he has a penis, and it's expected that he doesn't care. Melissa explains that it's hard to do it, as her usual role as an organizer of the contest is to be supportive. Sigh. I know it's true, and she's just being honest, but I find this whole segment really patronizing. "It's hard for women to be aggressive and make decisions, that's why we pay them less."

I respect the shit out of this woman, why the romance challenge and then THIS. Grr. Sexism.

Back to the contestants, Matthew is doing well being light and glib. Rachel asks him if writing the scenes is embarrassing, awkward, does it turn him on? I love Rachel. She's a superfreak, the kind you don't take home to mother. So many people would just be so bland in her shoes. She has fun. Matthew laughs that off and says that every good novel needs a love scene. Like Judgement at Nuremberg.

Okay he doesn't say that. I do.

But hey, at least nobody wrote a scene in which a strong confident woman is raped by an architect and immediately falls in love with him. Unlike Ayn Rand.

I wish that woman was alive again just so I could murder her.

Ghost of Seth: (as Brian) Wow, you really have some anger management issues. All you seem to talk about is murder, and then there was the whole, you know, actually murdering us thing. I don't think I want to be in your head pulling your strings. It's dark in there, man.

You think I don't know that? You think I don't lay awake nights waiting for my own inner voices to stop screaming?

Ghost of Seth: Wow, is that the time….

Fine! Leave me. Leave me like they all leave me, you bastard. Who needs you! Not me.

(sobs through next week previews, which show a spelling bee to be imminent. I like spelling bees. Can I play? No. Nobody plays with you. You're worthless. You're worthless and nobody will ever love you.)

And in the credits we see Gordon complaining about how he was profiled in Reader's Digest with his wife and dog, and twice over the next month people walked up to him because they recognized the dog.

Well, man, what can I say. You're great and all, but people love dogs.